Yelp Review of the First Thanksgiving

In a rare stroke of historical fortune, I managed to get my hands on Yelp reviews from the VERY FIRST Thanksgiving(!). Long considered some of the very first Yelp reviews ever documented, these offer some amazing and unique insight into our country’s history. Peruse and enjoy.

Edward “E.W.” Winslow:
Ugh, where do I even begin? At one time we used to come to the cornucopia at least four times a month, unfortunately in recent years the quality and service has degraded to the point that it is self abuse to even consider eating there.

I think that the management and the employees think that this poor excuse for service and food is acceptable considering how busy they are on Friday and Saturday nights, but most of the activity is outside in the parking lot and we have gone to eating elsewhere prior to showing up at Bobs and seeing our friends.

Here’s what you do.
1. Go to Ribs USA and have ribs and a pitcher.
2. Go Bob’s Parking Lot and look at the cars and see friends.
3. Pick up a latte at Starbucks next to Bob’s.

1/5 Stars, would not recommend.

S.E. Morrison:
Methinks I love it here!

My grandparents used to take me to this sort of thing when I was a kid which contributed to my status of “chubster.”

I have been begging my best friend Eric for years to go and he finally gave in.  We arrived late to avoid the crowds and seated almost immediately.

I remember the burgers being a bit bigger or maybe I just grew into them. They are delicious and the secret sauce is awesome. I enjoyed a diet coke and ended the evening with the chocolate ice cream cake. I nearly stabbed my friend’s hand off when he attempted to hijack some of my cake! It was that good. Of course I’d never resort to violence in a group like this, we just get along too well! :)

4/5 Stars, probably would recommend.

Asst. Chief Kevin “River Bull” Cuadogah:
Cranberry sauce was runny, turkey was dry, but the goose was okay. Stick around for the pumpkin pie though, you do NOT want to miss that! ;) Thought it was odd that several of the cooks asked me for tips on growing corn and catching fish so they could add new courses to their menu, not going to worry about it for now though..besides what’s the harm in sharing some tips & tricks — especially if it means more of that pie 8-)

3/5 Stars, may or may not recommend.

Alexander Young:
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is this place so famous??? WHY?

I have an iron stomach, but every time I eat here I get sick. I initially get mentally sick off the taste/smell/consistency of the food and then later I get physically sick off the food itself.

Every time I go here, I ask myself, “Why did you forget that you hate this place AGAIN?”

If you must try this place, please at least refrain from getting a tuna melt. That’s just plain stupid!

1/5 Stars, would not recommend.

William Bradford:
institution? yes
but the food is horrible
ick ick yuck ick ick.

2/5 Stars, probably would not recommend.

Linda Coombs, Aquinnah Wampanoag:
I felt compelled to write a review, even after dining here many times. After seeing some of the other reviews, I think they are giving them a bad rap. If you visit an establishment one time and have a bad experience, don’t shoot down the business on one visit. Give them another chance and go again. Fortunately I have never had a bad experience either inside or with take out orders. Yes we all have our preference for food, so I just stick to the items I like. So far 5 stars for breakfast, the pulled pork sandwich, the turkey burger and the chili. Service has always been 5 stars. It’s a family place and I love the vibe of the noise. We live right across the street and I can tell you that yes parking can be a problem on Friday night, but come down our street (Rose) and park, police won’t bother you in the late afternoon/early evening, and lots of parking on Valley. We love it here, especially because it is an historical site and represents so many memories for so many people. We need more family friendly food places in this day and age of trendy hipster joints. Put down your veggie wrap and green tea and have a turkey burger and cranberry sauce milkshake once in awhile. Life is short. Also, could definitely take these guys in a fight.

5/5 Stars, would definitely recommend.

Sarah Josepha Hale:
Forget Denny’s or IHOP! This place is awesome! Food is just as good if not better than those other places, but you mainly come here for the environment and nostalgia. And every Friday, they have car shows! Waitstaff seemed like mostly English-as-a-second-language speakers, but what they lacked in service skills they made up for in passion for their craft and work ethic. Could def take them in a war, though, if that sort of thing ever went down.

5/5 Stars, would definitely recommend.

Chief Temecuah “Beverly” Massasoit:
Flashback! OMG! Too bad there are not more of these places like when I was a kid! I loved taking pictures with the ginormous statue outside the building wearing his red and white pants! Good times, good times!

So I went back as an adult and got the original combo because I know how it’s supposed to taste! And OMG! THE SAME. NOTHING has changed except the location! :-D That is probably a good thing because I’d be a regular fixture and they’d be paying me to stay away! I of course washed it all down with a Coke! I WAS SO NOT WATCHING MY WAISTLINE THIS NIGHT, maybe watching it expand! ;)

The sauce — which you can buy in some grocery stores — was SOOOO YUMMY DELICIOUS! I was such a piggy! I of course could NOT finish it all but I sure had fun trying!

I needed to be rolled out of there by the time I was done! I certainly couldn’t drive so I had to just sit and wait for some of my food to go down! YIKES! Can somebody say “GLUT ALERT!” LOL So shameful! But I certainly enjoyed myself!

But it was DELICIOUS and I WILL BE BACK! The wait staff was really nice and friendly. They always were! I remember when I was a kid I learned a big money lesson here one year around Christmastime, which I have NEVER FORGOTTEN! In fact I am REALLY GOOD with money NOW! Try to take advantage of me, cheat me, steal from me and it will be the last thing you do!  LOL! ;)

I LOVE YOU!  Don’t evaaaa leave me! ;)

Could def take them in battle tho, and their knowledge of growing corn and netting fish is like NOPE. lol. Looks like they’re gonna need us for a long, long time. 8-)

5/5 Stars, would definitely recommend.

Squanto:
Yawn, felt like a worse version of what I could’ve made for myself at home. Points for effort tho.

3/5 Stars, may or may not recommend.

Eleanor Billington:
just another place where me and my ride or die betches can GET TURNT UP (lol i’m looking at you Elizabeth Hopkins, Mary Brewster, and Susanna (White) Winslow :-* xoxo). The vibe can get WEIRD if you stay long enough to wear out your welcome, but me and ma gurlssz always know how to keep the party going ALL NIGHT LONG ;) did someone say SHOTS? YASSSS PLZ.

5/5 Stars, would definitely recommend.

Play on,
Dustin

…Want more Mind Bullets? New posts go up every Wednesday at noon PST (or as close to that as I feel like), and you can subscribe if you want them delivered right to your inbox! …Or if you’re too impatient to wait that long you can follow me on twitter, instagram, youtube (new videos every Monday), and my boring personal website. Whew, that’s a lot of self promotion…even I don’t like me enough to keep up with all that.

A Formal Apology to Everyone

In 2014, every single person in American is stuck somewhere along the never-ending loop of either being incredibly offensive, immeasurably outraged, undeservedly morally superior or insincerely contrite…or occasionally, all four at once (here’s looking at you, Roger Goodell).

Recognizing that I am currently offending several different people and people groups in a wide variety of ways — just by existing, let alone by my day-to-day actions — I have decided to take the only responsible course of action, and compose a formal apology for myself and my actions, to everyone.

Dear Everyone,

It has come to my attention that I have offended you with my recent [action, statement, viewpoint, or persona], and I am deeply and sincerely sorry. The aforementioned offense was the result of a brief lapse in judgment on my part and is not accurately reflective of the thoughts, beliefs, priorities or respect I have for you, both individually and the larger people group to which you also belong. The unfortunate incident was merely the result of residual mental clutter left ricocheting around my head from when I was a younger man— less educated and less aware of the deep hurt that my words/thoughts/deeds/existence could potentially cause people such as yourself. Furthermore, you have my assurance that I am taking all the necessary steps to correct this issue within myself and/or my organization, and that no corners will be cut nor shortcuts taken in my relentless pursuit to make amends for the injustice that I have inflicted.

…I acknowledge that in certain extreme cases, even further action may be needed to prove how specifically sorry I am to you and the high quality and well-respected sort of people that you represent, either directly or indirectly. In these extreme cases, please locate yourself and/or your organization/cause in the list below. You may select all apologies from me that apply to your particular situation

To my ex-girlfriends, I am sorry.

To my coworkers; past, present, and future; I am sorry.

To black people, I am sorry.

To astrophysicists, I am sorry.

To Mrs. Klebe’s First Grade Class at Anasazi Elementary, I am sorry (but to Mrs. Klebe herself, I am not sorry).

To The O.C. Supertones, I am sorry.

To Claire Peterson, I am sorry.

To the mid-90s Swing Music resurgence, I am sorry.

To the 2014 Michigan Wolverines, I am sorry.

To women, I am sorry.

To The Pepsi-Cola Corporation, I am sorry.

To the creative team behind SeaQuest DSV, I am sorry.

To Tim Couch, I am sorry.

To the internet, I am sorry.

To the pre- and post-LeBron-era Cleveland Cavaliers, I am sorry.

To NASA (and specifically to the Glenn Research Center in Cleveland, Ohio), I am sorry.

To the 1996 Cincinnati Bengals, I am sorry.

To Groucho Marx and Harpo Marx, I am sorry (but to Chico Marx, Zeppo Marx, and Karl Marx, I am not sorry).

To any and all of the women I swiped left on during the week-and-a-half that I was on Tinder, I am sorry.

To my friends, family, and loved ones, I am sorry.

To the Petco right off of Route 33, I am sorry.

To every tour group and visiting club that took a tour I led at Otterbein University from Fall 2002-Summer 2006, I am sorry.

To the Enjoy Theatre Production of “King Arthur’s Calamity,” I am sorry.

To Erin, whose last name I was never aware of, I’m sorry.

To print media, I am sorry.

And lastly, to David Hasselhoff, I am sorry I’m not sorry. (He knows what he did).

(This list to be updated with future specificity as needed)

Play on,
Dustin

v sorry

…Want more Mind Bullets? New posts go up every Wednesday at noon PST (or as close to that as I feel like), and you can subscribe if you want them delivered right to your inbox! …Or if you’re too impatient to wait that long you can follow me on twitter, instagram, youtube (new videos every Monday), and my boring personal website. Whew, that’s a lot of self promotion…even I don’t like me enough to keep up with all that.

Dustin Heveron’s: Less Good Versions of Well-Known Songs — Something

Hello, chum! If the colder autumn weather and constant threat of the zombie apocalypse (trust me, it’s closer than you think) have you feeling down, then allow me to recommend a solution that’s even better than anything your local apothecary could whip up with their entire vault of sundries! That’s right, I’m talking about the dulcet tones and delightful rhythms of Dustin Heveron’s Less Good Versions of Well-Known Songs™ (patent pending). On the butcher’s block in this inaugural episode is a legendary song by the Fab Four from Frankfurt, The Beatles! If you’ve ever heard The Beatles’ song, “Something” and thought to yourself, “Hm, I wonder what that song would sound like without all the instruments and other band members and musical ability?” than THIS is the version for you! If you enjoy it, share it with your friends so they can enjoy it too! Or if you hate it, still share it with your friends and you can all bond with one another by mocking it mercilessly as a group! It’s 2014, and hatred is every bit as valuable as positivity when it comes to the internet.

Play on,
Dustin

…Want more Mind Bullets? New posts go up every Wednesday at noon PST (or as close to that as I feel like), and you can subscribe if you want them delivered right to your inbox! …Or if you’re too impatient to wait that long you can follow me on twitter, instagram, youtube (new videos every Monday), and my boring personal website. Whew, that’s a lot of self promotion…even I don’t like me enough to keep up with all that.