In 2014, every single person in American is stuck somewhere along the never-ending loop of either being incredibly offensive, immeasurably outraged, undeservedly morally superior or insincerely contrite…or occasionally, all four at once (here’s looking at you, Roger Goodell).
Recognizing that I am currently offending several different people and people groups in a wide variety of ways — just by existing, let alone by my day-to-day actions — I have decided to take the only responsible course of action, and compose a formal apology for myself and my actions, to everyone.
It has come to my attention that I have offended you with my recent [action, statement, viewpoint, or persona], and I am deeply and sincerely sorry. The aforementioned offense was the result of a brief lapse in judgment on my part and is not accurately reflective of the thoughts, beliefs, priorities or respect I have for you, both individually and the larger people group to which you also belong. The unfortunate incident was merely the result of residual mental clutter left ricocheting around my head from when I was a younger man— less educated and less aware of the deep hurt that my words/thoughts/deeds/existence could potentially cause people such as yourself. Furthermore, you have my assurance that I am taking all the necessary steps to correct this issue within myself and/or my organization, and that no corners will be cut nor shortcuts taken in my relentless pursuit to make amends for the injustice that I have inflicted.
…I acknowledge that in certain extreme cases, even further action may be needed to prove how specifically sorry I am to you and the high quality and well-respected sort of people that you represent, either directly or indirectly. In these extreme cases, please locate yourself and/or your organization/cause in the list below. You may select all apologies from me that apply to your particular situation
To my ex-girlfriends, I am sorry.
To my coworkers; past, present, and future; I am sorry.
To black people, I am sorry.
To astrophysicists, I am sorry.
To Mrs. Klebe’s First Grade Class at Anasazi Elementary, I am sorry (but to Mrs. Klebe herself, I am not sorry).
To The O.C. Supertones, I am sorry.
To Claire Peterson, I am sorry.
To the mid-90s Swing Music resurgence, I am sorry.
To the 2014 Michigan Wolverines, I am sorry.
To women, I am sorry.
To The Pepsi-Cola Corporation, I am sorry.
To the creative team behind SeaQuest DSV, I am sorry.
To Tim Couch, I am sorry.
To the internet, I am sorry.
To the pre- and post-LeBron-era Cleveland Cavaliers, I am sorry.
To NASA (and specifically to the Glenn Research Center in Cleveland, Ohio), I am sorry.
To the 1996 Cincinnati Bengals, I am sorry.
To Groucho Marx and Harpo Marx, I am sorry (but to Chico Marx, Zeppo Marx, and Karl Marx, I am not sorry).
To any and all of the women I swiped left on during the week-and-a-half that I was on Tinder, I am sorry.
To my friends, family, and loved ones, I am sorry.
To the Petco right off of Route 33, I am sorry.
To every tour group and visiting club that took a tour I led at Otterbein University from Fall 2002-Summer 2006, I am sorry.
To the Enjoy Theatre Production of “King Arthur’s Calamity,” I am sorry.
To Erin, whose last name I was never aware of, I’m sorry.
To print media, I am sorry.
And lastly, to David Hasselhoff, I am sorry I’m not sorry. (He knows what he did).
(This list to be updated with future specificity as needed)
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