American Idol Season 14 Changes

As you may have seen on television (that thing that kills time while your phone is charging), American Idol is about to enter its FOURTEENTH season (another year and it can get its learners driving permit), and like any show that has been on for so long, the team at Idol is implementing some changes to help attract new viewers and keep the old ones. Using my top-secret entertainment industry connections I was able to obtain a list of these changes for you, my loyal readers.

American Idol Season 14 Changes:

• American Idol’s infamously rotating cast of celebrity judges will bump up from rotating every season to now rotating every 15 minutes. Things get especially dramatic when Mark McGrath gives the approving vote to put a contestant through to Hollywood only to have the “rotate judge” alarm go off, with replacement judge Kevin Federline voting the other way for the unlucky contestant.

• In addition to searching for talent in New Orleans, Nashville, San Francisco, Minneapolis, and New York City; the show will also be holding its trademark ten-thousand-person auditions in Metropolis, Atlantis, The Emerald City, Mount Olympus, The Alternate 1985 timeline from Back to the Future 2, and The Negaverse from Sailor Moon.

• In an effort to boost ratings, American Idol will declare every show day also Opposite Day, turning their 1.7 into a 7.1 and “a 25% decrease” into “a 25% increase” and “beating a dead horse” into “entertainment.”

• Keith Urban has agreed to a cross-promotion with a hip, young clothing store, legally changing his name to Keith Urban Outfitters.

• Going to just start referring to itself in all graphics, conversations, and materials as “The Voice” and see if anyone notices.

• Taking its well-known list of mentors like Randy Jackson and Scott Borchetta and adding other legendary mentors such as The P90X Guy, Mister Miyagi, Mother Teresa, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Professor Dumbledore, Your High School English Teacher, Dina Lohan, Rafiki from Lion King, and Gandalf the Grey.

• End every show with one uncut five-minute block of lemmings mindlessly walking to their demise by the ton and see if even a single viewer picks up on the irony.

• Putting Carrie Underwood, Clay Aiken, and Taylor Hicks in fake Groucho disguise mustache-glasses and sneaking them back into the competition.

• Following up all eliminations with on-air, real-time executions of whoever is voted off that week.

• Brian Dunkleman.

• Do a Mythbusters-style special on whether or not Ryan Seacrest has ever said anything sincere with all that feigned enthusiasm in the past 13 years.

• Airing all episodes at once, Netflix style, to help induce binge watching like the kiddies enjoy so much these days.

• Regardless of what the votes say, just declaring Ruben Studdard the winner anyway.

…Should be a fun season!

Play on,
Dustin

casual pic of Brian Dunkleman, Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jackson

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Yelp Review of the First Thanksgiving

In a rare stroke of historical fortune, I managed to get my hands on Yelp reviews from the VERY FIRST Thanksgiving(!). Long considered some of the very first Yelp reviews ever documented, these offer some amazing and unique insight into our country’s history. Peruse and enjoy.

Edward “E.W.” Winslow:
Ugh, where do I even begin? At one time we used to come to the cornucopia at least four times a month, unfortunately in recent years the quality and service has degraded to the point that it is self abuse to even consider eating there.

I think that the management and the employees think that this poor excuse for service and food is acceptable considering how busy they are on Friday and Saturday nights, but most of the activity is outside in the parking lot and we have gone to eating elsewhere prior to showing up at Bobs and seeing our friends.

Here’s what you do.
1. Go to Ribs USA and have ribs and a pitcher.
2. Go Bob’s Parking Lot and look at the cars and see friends.
3. Pick up a latte at Starbucks next to Bob’s.

1/5 Stars, would not recommend.

S.E. Morrison:
Methinks I love it here!

My grandparents used to take me to this sort of thing when I was a kid which contributed to my status of “chubster.”

I have been begging my best friend Eric for years to go and he finally gave in.  We arrived late to avoid the crowds and seated almost immediately.

I remember the burgers being a bit bigger or maybe I just grew into them. They are delicious and the secret sauce is awesome. I enjoyed a diet coke and ended the evening with the chocolate ice cream cake. I nearly stabbed my friend’s hand off when he attempted to hijack some of my cake! It was that good. Of course I’d never resort to violence in a group like this, we just get along too well! :)

4/5 Stars, probably would recommend.

Asst. Chief Kevin “River Bull” Cuadogah:
Cranberry sauce was runny, turkey was dry, but the goose was okay. Stick around for the pumpkin pie though, you do NOT want to miss that! ;) Thought it was odd that several of the cooks asked me for tips on growing corn and catching fish so they could add new courses to their menu, not going to worry about it for now though..besides what’s the harm in sharing some tips & tricks — especially if it means more of that pie 8-)

3/5 Stars, may or may not recommend.

Alexander Young:
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is this place so famous??? WHY?

I have an iron stomach, but every time I eat here I get sick. I initially get mentally sick off the taste/smell/consistency of the food and then later I get physically sick off the food itself.

Every time I go here, I ask myself, “Why did you forget that you hate this place AGAIN?”

If you must try this place, please at least refrain from getting a tuna melt. That’s just plain stupid!

1/5 Stars, would not recommend.

William Bradford:
institution? yes
but the food is horrible
ick ick yuck ick ick.

2/5 Stars, probably would not recommend.

Linda Coombs, Aquinnah Wampanoag:
I felt compelled to write a review, even after dining here many times. After seeing some of the other reviews, I think they are giving them a bad rap. If you visit an establishment one time and have a bad experience, don’t shoot down the business on one visit. Give them another chance and go again. Fortunately I have never had a bad experience either inside or with take out orders. Yes we all have our preference for food, so I just stick to the items I like. So far 5 stars for breakfast, the pulled pork sandwich, the turkey burger and the chili. Service has always been 5 stars. It’s a family place and I love the vibe of the noise. We live right across the street and I can tell you that yes parking can be a problem on Friday night, but come down our street (Rose) and park, police won’t bother you in the late afternoon/early evening, and lots of parking on Valley. We love it here, especially because it is an historical site and represents so many memories for so many people. We need more family friendly food places in this day and age of trendy hipster joints. Put down your veggie wrap and green tea and have a turkey burger and cranberry sauce milkshake once in awhile. Life is short. Also, could definitely take these guys in a fight.

5/5 Stars, would definitely recommend.

Sarah Josepha Hale:
Forget Denny’s or IHOP! This place is awesome! Food is just as good if not better than those other places, but you mainly come here for the environment and nostalgia. And every Friday, they have car shows! Waitstaff seemed like mostly English-as-a-second-language speakers, but what they lacked in service skills they made up for in passion for their craft and work ethic. Could def take them in a war, though, if that sort of thing ever went down.

5/5 Stars, would definitely recommend.

Chief Temecuah “Beverly” Massasoit:
Flashback! OMG! Too bad there are not more of these places like when I was a kid! I loved taking pictures with the ginormous statue outside the building wearing his red and white pants! Good times, good times!

So I went back as an adult and got the original combo because I know how it’s supposed to taste! And OMG! THE SAME. NOTHING has changed except the location! :-D That is probably a good thing because I’d be a regular fixture and they’d be paying me to stay away! I of course washed it all down with a Coke! I WAS SO NOT WATCHING MY WAISTLINE THIS NIGHT, maybe watching it expand! ;)

The sauce — which you can buy in some grocery stores — was SOOOO YUMMY DELICIOUS! I was such a piggy! I of course could NOT finish it all but I sure had fun trying!

I needed to be rolled out of there by the time I was done! I certainly couldn’t drive so I had to just sit and wait for some of my food to go down! YIKES! Can somebody say “GLUT ALERT!” LOL So shameful! But I certainly enjoyed myself!

But it was DELICIOUS and I WILL BE BACK! The wait staff was really nice and friendly. They always were! I remember when I was a kid I learned a big money lesson here one year around Christmastime, which I have NEVER FORGOTTEN! In fact I am REALLY GOOD with money NOW! Try to take advantage of me, cheat me, steal from me and it will be the last thing you do!  LOL! ;)

I LOVE YOU!  Don’t evaaaa leave me! ;)

Could def take them in battle tho, and their knowledge of growing corn and netting fish is like NOPE. lol. Looks like they’re gonna need us for a long, long time. 8-)

5/5 Stars, would definitely recommend.

Squanto:
Yawn, felt like a worse version of what I could’ve made for myself at home. Points for effort tho.

3/5 Stars, may or may not recommend.

Eleanor Billington:
just another place where me and my ride or die betches can GET TURNT UP (lol i’m looking at you Elizabeth Hopkins, Mary Brewster, and Susanna (White) Winslow :-* xoxo). The vibe can get WEIRD if you stay long enough to wear out your welcome, but me and ma gurlssz always know how to keep the party going ALL NIGHT LONG ;) did someone say SHOTS? YASSSS PLZ.

5/5 Stars, would definitely recommend.

Play on,
Dustin

…Want more Mind Bullets? New posts go up every Wednesday at noon PST (or as close to that as I feel like), and you can subscribe if you want them delivered right to your inbox! …Or if you’re too impatient to wait that long you can follow me on twitter, instagram, youtube (new videos every Monday), and my boring personal website. Whew, that’s a lot of self promotion…even I don’t like me enough to keep up with all that.