Monthly Archives: March 2009

Supermarket Sweep Style

So for those of you familiar with the old game show, Supermarket Sweep, the concept works like this: contestants were given a cart and had a set amount of time to shove as much free swag into it as they could before the clock ran down. I am doing the same thing with this blog. It is 11:55pm right now, and I have given myself EXACTLY five minutes to throw as much as I can into this post without really thinking or editing, very free form style and (probably) very discombobulatedly (not a word, I know, but that’s part of the fun of the internet, the rules of the real don’t apply here). Line breaks will signify new topics of thought. Try and keep up with the train.

On my mark.

Get set.

Wait, grab a quick chug of milk for thirst quenching and brain fueling.

Wait again, need to have something non-baseball in the background because baseball blows. SportsCenter seems to think anyone cares about the WBC. I don’t even care enough about the WBC to de-abbreviate WBC.

South Park. The Lord of the Rings spoofisode. Perfect.


Ok so the first thing that pooped into my head (that’s supposed to say popped, but no time for undoing typos, and it actually works just as well since ideas can kind of poop into your head, in a way. Especially the s***ty ones), is that today has been a great month for music (I know one day can’t be a month, that’s the joke and it was intentional). House of Heroes (search for them on iTunes or myspace, they rule) rereleased a new album. It’s amazing. Then MxPx decided to release another cover album as a faux-follow-up to their first covers album 13 years ago. It also rocks. There’s other music I’m forgetting, but if you wanna know, just google it, you lazy FOB (I like calling people Fall Out Boys instead of Sons of B****es. It’s still just as disrespectful though). I also recently got into a couple bands called Hit the Lights and School Boy Humor. So far I really like Hit the Lights, and I only kind of like School Boy Humor.

Ok, I’ve drawn my first blank. Uncool. I don’t smoke weed, but I think I’m ok with it being legalized so everyone will SHUT THE F*** UP ABOUT IT! No one cares that you got a sweet medical card so you can smoke. I also think I just kind of copied a bit of Daniel Tosh’s, but it’s ok because I’m giving him credit for it (google him, he’s funny and the actual bit of his is probably much longer than one sentence).

Chicks are hot, I like to makeout with them.

Sports are awesome, LBJ is gonna win MVP or else I’m going to assassinate Kobe Bryant be sad. DWade is having a hell of a season, too, but LBJ has done more with less. Thus, LBJ = MVP.

I think I’m almost out of time and it’s really freaking me out. I get to do some awesome acting stuff soon.

Oh, I’m also writing a sitcom. Pilot. No, I will not show it to any of you.

I think I just saw the lead dude from Twilight in a trailer for some horror movie about Connecticut. I wonder if the thing everyone is afraid of is his terrible, terrible acting and how he’s a hardcore pedophile. I read all the Twilight books as a read-along with my little sister, ask me about them some time. I’m a little pissed they didn’t cast the girl playing Bella for the movies as someone hotter. I know the point is that she’s supposed to be average and it’s love that makes them love each other, not looks, but still, this is Hollywood and I regularly get drunk fall in love and makeout with hotter girls than that and I’m just an average lanky dude with pretty eyes, so I’m sure a super-powered vampire/model/telepath who’s cruising for hardcore jailbait in Oregon could find someone hotter.

Also, I’m starting a pop-punk band whose name I’m not releasing yet. I’m thinking of having my friend Doug be in the band with me, and hopefully I can get my roommate J to learn to love pop-punk music enough to play in our band (he likes country, but somehow we’re still friends). If my younger brother had ever learned to play an instrument or sing well, he could’ve been in it as well.

I’m coming home to visit Ohio in exactly one week from when this timer ticks down (aka midnight. Aka a week from midnight. Aka Tuesday. Next Tuesday).

Ok, there’s the timer, what did I score? Did I win? Probably. Because I’m awesome.

Also, check out my buddy Colin’s blog if you ever want to meet someone who’s superior to you at almost everything artistic (no time to link it, just google him or look it up in my previous posts).



Twitter?! I Don’t Even KNOW Her!

Somehow the weeks pass and I feel as if I’ve accomplished nothing, yet somehow was too busy to call friends, visit with locals, write on this thing, or generally accomplish anything productive. How is it possible? Two words, compounded into one word:


I just got done musing with a friend about how we ever got along without facebook, and after conversing for a bit, realized the simple truth: we didn’t. Oh sure, we all walked and talked and went through the motions, but none of us really lived till we’d received facebook. And just I was about to suggest that we add “Thou shalt join facebook at exactly age 12” to the Bible’s 10 Commandments (we can probably do away with that one about coveting your neighbor’s manservant, maidservant and donkey, right? …What do you mean that one still applies to other possessions? Oh, I get it. Clever, God. Very clever.) my friend pointed out how incredibly thankful she was that there weren’t facebook pictures of her from middle/high school. And just like that, the memories all came flooding back to me. The hair. The fashions. The braces. The erections. All of it would’ve been documented and cemented in my own personalized hell, complete with streaming wall-feed and the option to poke. Since I totally blocked out the entirety of my memories from age 11 until about three weeks ago, I completely forgot that if facebook had been around when I’d been in middle/high school, that there would be PICTURES of me from middle/high school freely available on the internet to anyone who had a modem and a fetish for lanky 90-pound boys from Ohio. Shudder. So in retrospect, it seems as though it was a good thing that facebook didn’t arrive until the mid-collegiate stage of my life so that way I won’t be fully embarrassed about those pictures until my kids are old enough to have their own facebooks and then ask me, “Dad, why are there so many pictures of you with women who aren’t Mommy? And why are you drinking that apple juice out of a funnel attached to a plastic tube?” To which I will reply, “You’re grounded. Now go search for pictures of your mother from Halloween ’05. I bet you didn’t know she was a Nursing major for a night.” So to all you young whippersnappers who are gleefully surfing the pages of facebook right this second, IM-ing your friends, tagging pictures, and bumper-stickering each other’s walls: enjoy it while you can. Because someday you’ll be called in to your boss’ office so you can explain to him and your coworkers that Twilight dress-up parties were actually really cool back in the day. No sir, I’ll never fall into the trap of overly-loving technology ever again.

Now twitter on the other hand, what harm could possibly come from that? Oo, a new notification! Apparently stalkerchica25obsession is following me now on twitter! I’ll bet she’s a nice, harmless gal…

Until my next post (which will most likely be from some psycho-chick’s basement, tied up), cheers.

P.S. Twitter Dustin! Do it!

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