Monthly Archives: April 2009

No One in the Cyrus Family is Even Remotely Attractive

It’s a foggy morning in LA by the ocean, and I started today like I start most of my Mondays — looking through Brandi Cyrus’ myspace page (she’s Miley’s older half-sister). Now Brandi might only be 50% related to teen star Miley, but she certainly got 100% of the ugly genes that are floating atop that family’s genetic pool like fermented, mutant algae. Misshapen, asymmetrical faces, hair like a bad wig, and the world’s worst tooth-to-gum ratio on record are just some of this family’s trademark looks. Now I realize that I’m not the most handsome man in the world…wait, scratch that, I just got a phone call from HMI (Handsome Man International) informing me that I actually AM this year’s “Most Handsome Man in the World” so I guess that means I’m extra qualified to call out the Cyruses and the achy-breaky effect their faces have on mirrors. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against unattractive people in general (Tori Spelling), I just think that if you have the kind of face that makes babies reflexively burst into tears (Howard Stern), then you shouldn’t be plastering that face all over my tv/movies/internet/city. Luckily, we live in a society where men are primarily judged by what’s on the inside, not the outside, so I’m gonna be just fine for years to come — well after my stellar, boyish looks fade into the wise, rugged handsomeness that comes with age — but women aren’t that lucky. Sorry ladies, I don’t make the rules, I just alienate people by pointing out said rules. You’re welcome. Continue reading


Report: James, Williams & Literacy Lead Cavs to Big W Against Pistons

Cleveland, OH — The former NBA champion Detroit Pistons dropped their second straight playoff game to the hosting Cleveland Cavaliers, as LeBron James (Cleveland’s super-athlete small forward), Mo Williams (The Cavs all-star point guard) and Literacy (the ability to read, understand and communicate in the written English language) all combined to give the Cavaliers a huge 94-82 victory today at Quicken Loans Arena in Cleveland. Ohio-native James gave Cleveland his usual support with 29 points and 13 rebounds, while Literacy made it possible for the Cavaliers to comprehend concepts ranging from who was on the starting lineup, to what hotel/roommate assignments were, to what time the game was scheduled to start, and everything in between. LeBron James — who is currently in his sixth season in the NBA — has had a long history of working with Literacy on and off the court, and many believe Literacy was directly responsible for James’ graduation from St. Vincent-St. Mary High School located in nearby Akron, Ohio. Literacy has become a staple of the Cavaliers’ media interactions as well, with both LeBron and Cleveland Head Coach, Mike Brown, making sure Literacy is prominently featured in their on-court interviews and postgame press conferences — frequently using teleprompters and statistics printouts to assist in making their points.

“Everyone knows this is a team that centers itself around Literacy” Coach Brown told reporters, “that was my philosophy even when I was an assistant coach, and it will continue to be as long as I’m in charge of this franchise.”

Point guard Mo Williams, who the Cavs acquired this year in an offseason trade, agreed with Brown, adding, “Literacy really allows us to read what’s going on, and make adjustments accordingly. [It] really opens up a lot of options for us compared to some of the alternatives.”

When asked his thoughts on how Literacy would affect them in Game 3 — scheduled back in Detroit — LeBron shared that, “Detroit’s never had an understanding or respect for what [Literacy] can do, and that’s a big part of what’s keeping them from reading the writing on the walls. I think there’s a good chance everything’s going to go right over their heads.”

As usual, any trace of the Cavs and Literacy were long gone by the time the Detroit Pistons’ press conference began.

Reporting for the Los Angeles Gazette Times Tribune Dispatch Herald Informer Chronicle Examiner Register Times Post Journal, I’m Dustin Heveron.

“The LA GTTDHICERTPJ, your number-one source for acronyms.”

“I’ma fowl’d! Refs be giving ‘Sheed mah points or da Rip beet me on teem bus! Cheetoes is yummers! Boom!” -Rasheed Wallace, on the complex internal collapse the Pistons have suffered this season.

Can You Smell BMS? (Dustin’s Summer Movie Preview ’09)

I love…



…blockbuster movie season (BMS…known as summer to those of you who don’t live in a place where it’s summer 24/7). Although I enjoy almost all genres of cinema, I particularly like the stereotypical, big budget summer blockbuster movies with their shiny FX, barely-there plotlines and their “hottie du jour” starlets. Maybe that statement gives you a glimpse into what sort of shallow, easily-entertained person I am. Or maybe that’s just my way of reverse psychologying you into thinking I’m actually deep by saying I’m shallow. Boom, reverse psychology’d (like a boss).

I was thinking about firing up my weekly review of some of the mega-hits I’m excited for this BMS, but I may be too poor to see all of them in the theater and I think they frown on it when you spend your unemployment money at the Arclight Cinemas. Boom, recession’d (like a boss). That said, here’s a list of the movies that I will definitely be Netflixing (aka Blockbuster Online-ing…but that’s too many syllables) six months after their theatrical release and why I’m excited about them (or not, if I think they’ll be bad).

— MAY —
Battle for Terra: Weak CGI + made by a Canadian production company = flop.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past: Matthew McConaughey makes this exact movie every 8-12 months with a slightly different premise and a slightly different female lead. But the exact same level of yawn.

X-Men Origins, Wolverine: I’ll see it, you’ll see it (and apparently some of you interweb pirates already HAVE seen it), it won’t be that great, but hopefully it won’t be as bad as X-2 and X-3 were (minus Kelsey Grammar as Beast, which was still my fave part of that entire trilogy).

Star Trek: Because the Star Wars fans are too rabid to let George Lucas do a true Star Wars reboot, AND because Star Trek fans all secretly know how truly awful the original Star Trek shows and movies were, this movie has been made. I’m only going to see some hot aliens and Sylar from Heroes (season finale next week! And just as it’s finally starting to get good again, too).

Next Day Air: I heard the working title for this movie was “Madea’s Pothead, Slacker Nephew Who Makes Poor Decisions for 90 Minutes at the Risk of His Dead-End Job.”

Angels & Demons: Great, now I have to see The DaVinci Code (but might be worth it to have an excuse to read the books).

Terminator Salvation: Say what you will about Christian Bale being an asshole (you wouldn’t be wrong), the Terminator series being overplayed (you wouldn’t be wrong), and Linda Hamilton being hot (you wouldn’t be right); but I am PUMPED for this movie and all the preliminary signs point to this movie actually being good (maybe even the second-best Terminator movie behind T2).

Night at the Museum 2, Battle of the Smithsonian: And so Ben Stiller drifts slowly into the low stakes world of family-friendly, safe comedies just like Cuba and Eddie and other before him. I’m down with anything that gives Ricky Gervais more work stateside, though.

Dance Flick: Thankfully not made by the same D-bags who are endlessly peddling the Scary Movie franchise of feces, the Wayans Bros. might have enough latent comic ability to make this fly. Or it could be White Chicks 2: Sports Brahs.

Up: Disney, Pixar, adorable premise. You know the drill, let’s just cut Mickey his check for $300 million right now and go home.

— JUNE —
Land of the Lost: Will Ferrell is that strange combo of someone who is commercially hilarious AND actually hilarious (unlike Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Tyler Perry, and most everyone else who’s making comedies these days), plus you mix in Danny McBride in the role he was meant to play (i.e. any sort of sidekick comic relief character) and a remake franchise that’s actually worth remaking, and baby, you’ve got yourself a stew going.

The Hangover: Watch the trailer, become a believer. Zach Galifinakis and Co. are all hilarious, and this one has the cult classic sharpied all over it. Hopefully it’ll make enough money for people to take a chance on this sort of movie again in the future (about the same time I’m ready for my leading feature debut).

My Life in Ruins: My Big Fat Greek Wedding “star” capitalizes on the huge trend of making movies about average-looking, middle-aged women and their love of Greek heritage. Oh, wait.

Imagine That: This is the kind of movie Ben Stiller will be making in a few years if he stays on the path he’s currently on. Now ask people if they like this Eddie Murphy or the old school Eddie Murphy better. You’ve been warned, Ben.

Year One: Superbad with an amped up budget, plot, and a bigger/better star than Jonah Hill? I can smell the quotability from here.

Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen: The first movie about my favorite robots in disguise was one of the only truly successful 80’s reboots in my book, and the sequel should be as large as Shia’s Lebeouf’s head has gotten since last summer. And to quote myself from last year’s movie preview, Spielberg as producer should keep Michael Bay’s tendency to suck at *ahem* bay.

— JULY —
Brüno: Picture an even wilder, even more shocking version of Borat. I’m as afraid as I am ready to laugh. I just hope America gets the joke at some point.

I Love You, Beth Cooper: Hayden Panettiere? Sold. Boom, pedophile’d (like a boss).

Harry Potter and the…Blah blah blah, aren’t these guys like, out of shaman school yet? Yeah, I’ll keep seeing these movies…if only so I can avoid reading the books to see how the series ends.

G-Force: I was actually excited for this movie for .2 seconds when I thought it was a remake of a Japanese cartoon show I liked as a child. But I lost my erection as soon as I found out the “G” in G-Force stands for gerbil. Yeah, gerbil force.

Funny People: I’ve never really thought Adam Sandler was that funny, and he’s doing his best to prove me right beyond the shadow of a doubt in his latter years.

G.I. Joe, The Rise of Cobra: I have a basement full of decapitated action figures and half assembled heli-tanks (half helicopter, half tank. You heard me) that says I have to see this movie. And in no way is that depressing.

Julie & Julia: A chick flick, best-selling novel adaptation and supposed Oscar-contender slated for a summer release? That means one of two things: 1) either this movie blows beyond fixability or 2) Meryl Streep lost a bet. Either way, avoid at all costs.

Inglorious Basterds: Sure they spelled it wrong, but Brad Pitt plus an excuse to swear in public for most of August and September is a good enough reason for me to support a film.

The Post Grad Survival Guide: Alexis Bledel is hot, but I’m secretly afraid of going into this movie and having them show Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 instead. And I’m not sure anyone would be able to tell the difference.

…And there you have it. Those are the 90-120 minute godsends that are going to help me pass the time once the basketball and hockey seasons are over and I’m going through withdrawal until football comes back into my life. Let’s hope they get the job done.

Eating pizza (like a boss), Seacrest out.

I Need a Desk (and by “Desk” I Mean Job)

I think alcohol sapped all my hilarity last night. Eh well, might as well get my write on anyways — being bad at stuff has never stopped me from doing anything before (isn’t that right, basketball, soccer, and relationships?).

Jaden Smith ruined The Day the Earth Stood Still. Not intentionally in the same way as Keanu’s underacting or the weak ending, but just ruined nonetheless. Jaden’s character (Jacob — what is it with poorly-written Jacobs in films these days? I’m looking at you, Twilight screenwriter) is just really, really poorly written. For those of you who haven’t seen the movie, here’s a spoiler-free synopsis from someone who just watched the dvd this afternoon as a hangover cure (not a particularly effective one, in case you wondered): Jacob is almost 100% unnecessary as a character, he is an absolute brat — beyond what’s believable even by America’s standards of brattiness — he is a jerk to his single-parent stepmom, and he does not serve a purpose to the main plot aside from showing that American children are intolerant D-bags. His acting isn’t great, but he’s also like 10 years old AND working alongside Keanu Reeves (who also has the acting ability of a 10-year-old), so I’m willing to let it slide. Basically, the movie would’ve been significantly improved if that character had just been reduced or written out entirely. That said, I actually enjoyed the movie a fair amount and thought it was a decent remake.

As an aside, I’d like to point out that I honestly don’t think Keanu Reeves is that bad of an actor — I don’t think he’s particularly great, either, I just think that (like most actors) he serves a specific purpose and plays that certain kind of part well. He did a good job in this movie, and he knows kung fu.

On from a criticism to just the opposite. I saw Paul McCartney live for the second time in my life at the Coachella Music Festival this weekend. The level of talent that man possesses is unreal. At 60-something (I think around 65?), that man jumped around onstage, switched between a half-dozen instruments and played an almost three-hour show — all without missing a note. Like seriously, he didn’t even go flat once during the whole show. He shared some heart-warming stories about former bandmate John, former wife Linda…and didn’t share stories about former wife and current gold-digger, Heather Mills (who is an all-around crazy B and unsavory person). I know his shows are pricey, but seriously anyone who has even the slightest respect for and enjoyment of music owes it to themselves to see Paul live. His backing band is über talented (especially the righteous drummer who sings the majority of the harmonies and lays down sweet beats with only one rack tom and one floor tom — nobody needs more than two rack toms and one floor tom, no offense to the greatness of Neil Pert, but come on). Even the Beatles-DJ who opens the show for him and gets the crowd pumped up is awesome. This is the second time I’ve seen him put on an epic concert, and both shows were ridiculously phenomenal, so it wasn’t just like I got lucky with a good performance. The fact of the matter is that even though he still looks like he’s in great shape, and you couldn’t see any evidence of it in his show, he is still pushing 70-years old and he simply won’t be performing much longer. You MUST see him. You won’t regret it, and bootlegs aren’t the same. Anyone who doesn’t want to see Paul McCartney is a communist who should be shot execution-style on a stack of country-music albums.

I don’t care for Boston that much, but I do like Bill Simmons’ writing, and his observations are usually pretty spot-on and entertaining (remind you of anyone you know? …It’s me. You’re supposed to be reminded of me. Jerk).

So I’m going to be an extra in the movie Alvin & the Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel this week. I’m equal parts excited and frightened. I’m excited because “acting” is going to pay for my food this week, but scared of what being associated with the A&TC franchise is going to do to my self-esteem. I’m sure it’s a violation of my contract, but I am planning on keeping my camera phone hot so I can twitter my humiliation globally so all of you can share in my official defeat as an actor (LA 1, Dustin 0).

Ok, tomorrow begins the no-holds-barred showdown between me and the recession (so far Recession 1, Dustin 0), and I’m predicting a big W for team Dustin — speaking of wins, how awesome is it that the Cavs AND Jackets are both in the playoffs against Detroit-based sports teams (although it looks like the Cleveland Cavaliers are more likely to win the Stanley Cup than the Columbus Blue Jackets with the way the CBJ played the first two games)?

For now though, I need to decide if 11:41pm is too late to have lunch, and see if I can get back the hours that the Mythbusters marathon has stolen from me today (Mythbusters 1, Dustin 0).

Much love to the Dustin Nation (the Dustination?), we’ll talk again soon.

60+ years old, 60+ feet high — but Paul doesn’t need screens to be larger than life. Rock on.

Being Really, Really Productive, You Guys

I have invented a word.

The bird isn’t the word that I’ve invented.

Oh, before I venture any further, let me quickly plug one of my fave modern-day bands, House of Heroes, by letting you know you can download a FREE song of theirs here and buy their ultra-cheap ($2.49, American! Cheaper than a ShamWow!), recently released EP here. Ok, done plugging, back to the nonsense.

Inventing a word isn’t an entirely new thing for me, since I invent words pretty regularly, the only difference is that this word isn’t a derivative of an obscenity, or slang, or innuendo for anything. So that makes it special AND appropriate for posting on the internet (because we all know what a clean and family-friendly environment the internet is).

The word came to me as I realized my life was missing a couple of vitally important functions. One, new pictures of me aren’t taken and posted on facebook as frequently as they used to be. This is a shame because I’m really, really good looking, you guys. I’m also really, really hilarious, and I often ruin improve pictures by being really, really hilarious in them.

Exhibit A:

My first thought was that I simply needed to take more pictures in general and to keep my camera on my person more often. However, I quickly realized that while this might help things a bit, it’s not a perfect solution because I wanted more pictures OF me, not more pictures taken BY me (I’m very self-centered and egotistical, to briefly recap the last 25 years of my life).

Exhibit B:

That means I needed someone else to be taking pictures of me. Normally this wouldn’t be a big deal, because in this situation you usually just hand your camera to the least attractive most talented of your friends and have them take it for you, but if you want a lot of pictures of yourself, this strategy doesn’t fully work either because your friend taking the picture is also usually really unpopular busy and has to leave the party early to go home and whack it study. This is especially brutal because nothing’s worse than missing classic late-night pictures like these.

Exhibit C:

And then it dawned on me. To fully realize my dream of having a lot of pictures taken of myself, without totally pissing off my circle of suckers friends, I’d need someone from outside that circle to take the photos. The solution came to me that I could pay some kind of personal assistant to take pictures of me, and they’d have to like it because I was paying them. And they couldn’t leave because I was paying them. Just like a relationship with a girl. I thought about hiring a normal photographer, but that wouldn’t be ideal because photographers are usually too arsty and concerned with what makes a “good picture” vs. what I want, which is just someone to take a bunch of pictures of me all the time.

So the word I came up with is Narcissistant. It’s an employee who works just for me, whose only job is to go around and take photos of me and post them on various websites, college cafeteria corkboards, high school newspapers, singles chatrooms, and anywhere else where the environment would be improved by displaying a photo like this one.

Exhibit D:

I don’t know how much a Narcissistant makes annually, although I’m almost certain that the payment would involve money or a close facsimile. Full benefits (wink) and a nice retirement package are all included, plus there are a ton of perks! Like for instance, I would acknowledge you in public places on a semi-regular basis, you would probably get to be friends with me on facebook, and you might even get to drive me home after I’ve had too much to drink! And that’s just the beginning, I’m sure there a ton more that I haven’t even thought of yet!

If you want to apply for this incredibly awesome, exclusive and perky job, then I probably won’t stop you! Just send me your resume, and try to be more attractive than a 7.5 on the traditional 10-point scale of hotness. Dustin Heveron Inc. is an Equal Opportunity Employer (no dudes, no old chicks, no weirdos, and no religions that I think are made up or lame — example: sikhs or scientologists). Apply today!

Seacrest out,

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