Brocabulary

For those of you who don’t follow my twitter (huge faux pas on your part, by the way), you probably don’t know that my computer has been suffering through a pretty serious…something…the past week or so.  In Mac’s defense, this is the first major issue it’s had in almost three years of use, and thanks to the beauty of the AppleCare program, I can send it in to be fixed for free.  However, a questionably-functioning computer means fewer blogs than I prefer to put up.  And it’ll likely be another week or so before I get my MacbookPro back and in blogging condition.  So as a thanks to the four of you who read this thing, here’s a bonus post to tide you over while I send it off, and I’ll see you in a week-ish.

I know a lot of you are interested in being as cool as I am.  Clearly this is the sort of thing that takes years — if not decades — to master, but an easy way to get started is by improving your brocabulary.  If you’re unfamiliar with that term, your brocabulary is the section of your vocabulary that you use to communicate with and build your friend base.  Mostly it consists of putting the prefix “bro” on top of normal words you’d use.  Here’s a list of a few of my favorites, along with their definitions, but feel free to come up with your own and submit them for my scrutiny here.  Who knows, if you’re creative and lucky enough, you may just find yourself in the Bro Hall of Fame (aka any bathroom in any frat house in America and parts of Mexico/Canada).

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Metabsolution: Does This Thyroid Make Me Look Fat?

Since I was about eight years old, I’ve had this exchange at least once with 90% of the people I’ve ever met:

Person Who Isn’t Very Good with Small Talk: Say Dustin, you’re awfully skinny, aren’t you?

Dustin: Yes. And thank you for pointing it out, I was unaware.

PWIVGwST: You need to eat more! Put some meat on those bones!

Dustin: I actually eat quite a lot already — more than most anybody else I know, actually.*

PWIVGwST: Wow, you must have a really fast metabolism.

Dustin: Yes, that’s the likely explanation. Excellent deductive reasoning, that.

PWIVGwST: Well enjoy it while you can, because once you’re <insert upcoming age and/or milestone here> that’ll all stop.  I used to be skinny like that when I was your age, too.

And this is the part where I — being fairly competent with small talk — don’t point out that the person I’m talking with is usually decently overweight, and their implication is that once they were as skinny as I am, but due to circumstances beyond their control, they couldn’t stop eating (or start exercising) once their metabolism crapped out, and it’s only a matter of time before I turn into a fat glob of a human like them.

American Idle: The Land Before Timeshares

So let’s get one thing perfectly clear: I’m funny. Like, really, really funny.  That doesn’t mean everyone finds me funny…but not everyone thought slavery was a bad idea, either.  People are always entitled to their opinions — especially when those opinions are wrong.  However, I’d like to take a few un-funny minutes to explain in all seriousness why I choose to be funny, and how it’s just as important as people who are smart, strong, or good looking (I’m all of these things, too, but we’re just gonna focus on the funny aspect for today).