Monthly Archives: December 2007

Myth: Confirmed

So it’s the last day of the year — in the Eastern Time Zone we’re only a handful of hours away from kicking 2007 to the curb, and replacing it with the younger, hotter 2008. I will do my usual celebratory practice of getting inebriated to the point where I forget most (if not all) of my own personal information, and then proceed to make wildly fanciful claims about my life and/or the people in my life (such as: “I love you guys more than indoor plumbing,” “I am going to climb Mount Everest,” “I invented open-heart surgery,” etc.). I can, however, say that today is shaping up to be a great end to a great year. I had lunch with a longtime friend, played football for a couple of hours in actual sunshine (rare in Ohio this time of year), I’m about to go to a great jazz show at church headlined by some of Columbus’ best musicians, followed by the latest Coen Brothers’ movie (No Country for Old Men), and of course I’m capping it all off with my trademark all-night partying. Throw in a MythBusters marathon to fill in the gaps, and you’ve got the formula for a pretty kick ass day.

There’s not much update content to this post (I’m still jobless, but not homeless or friendless, so two out of three isn’t bad), it’s really just more of a chance for me to give an official “thank you,” to everyone who has made my year (and my life) as amazingly awesome as it has been. You are all incredible, wonderful people, and I wouldn’t trade the friendships and relationships I’ve had here for anything. I pray that you all keep in touch, and I thank you for the endless grace and love you’ve shown me over the years. I probably don’t tell you guys how much I love you often enough, and I figure if I tell you at 5pm it’ll sound far more sincere than if you get a call from me saying the same thing at midnight. God bless all of you, I love you very much and wish nothing but the best for you in the pending year. Everyone be safe tonight, and have a great time ringing in 2008!

Much love,
Dustin

P.S. After years of research, the myth that I have kick ass friends and that God has truly blessed me has been officially: CONFIRMED. Props to you guys for making it all possible.

The Final Fortnight

Merry Belated Christmas to all of you illegal-music-downloading web-dwellers,

It’s the Thursday after Christmas — two weeks till I say bye to the 614 and hello to higher gas prices —at about 1500 hours Eastern Standard Time in Upper Arlington, Ohio, and at the moment I’m splitting my time and attention between SportsCenter, some leftover pizza and The Muppets Take Manhattan on DVD (the only Muppet film that I can’t quote at least 75% of and the foundation for the less-entertaining ‘80s spinoff animated series, Muppet Babies).
It’s the kind of day that has me thinking about life, love, and how I really feel about interspecies marriage (for the record, I think I’m ok with it, though I question whether pig/frog progeny is really a good idea), and anytime there’s that much thinking going on, it usually results in a blog for the DHeveron Reader Faithful (which is apparently just the Jasons K. and F., thanks guys, it’s good to know someone’s out there). But enough about you, let’s talk about me.

-Home is Where the Heart Is-
First up on my list of new info is that I officially have a place to live in LA, with people I know, to boot. Much thanks to everyone who offered their home or couch to me out west as a place to crash, but it is my pleasure to officially decline your offers since I’ll be sleeping in my own bed, in my own place out there. If you’re feeling extra stalker-prone, you can see a nice satellite view of my future abode right here. It’s nothing extravagant, and it’s a little more inland than I’d choose to live on my own, but it’s with folks I know and the price is unbeatable, even by Ohio standards. Feel free to drop by and visit me anytime (SkyBus, hint hint).

-iPhone is Where the Heart Is-
After a few weeks of iPhone ownership (iPhonership?), I’m delighted to say that I have no complaints with it aside from not making the switch in June and the inability to send picture-texts (though truthfully I have very little use for that feature in the first place). Battery life is tremendous, better than any mobile phone I’ve ever had, everything functions properly all the time (a nice change from my crash-prone BlackBerry), the sync system is unprecedented in sophistication and ease-of-use, and sometimes, late at night, I can hear the iPhone whispering sweet nothings to me in my sleep. But I’m sure that’s normal.

-Work is Where the Heart Is-
I need a job. With the other details pretty much locked up (housing, route for the trip, etc.), the one thing hanging over my head is what I should do for work out west. Being the perpetually indecisive fellow that I am, I don’t even know what genre of work I even want to try for, let alone where I actually want to apply. Should I use some of my “real world” work experience and try for another 9-5 job in the interim? Should I head back to the actor-stereotypical world of waiting tables and tending bar? How much do you think I could get working LA street corners as a lady of the night? These are questions that I should probably have answers to at some point before I pour the whole of my savings into this move.

-Damon’s is Where the Party Is-
After a random polling of my friends, I’ve finally settled on some details for a Getting-Rid-Of party in honor of myself and my departure. As most things are with me, this is all very last minute and low-key, but I’m gonna start spreading the word amongst my circle of comrades (and you’re welcome to spread it as well, I want this info to be as contagious as herpes, and twice as fun) that on Friday, January 4th, 2008, at around 1700 hours until probably 2300 hours (that’s 5pm-11pm, EST), I’m going to be at the Damon’s at Mill Run in Hilliard, downing Coronas and nachos for several hours. During this time I want to see literally as many of you as possible, since it will likely be my last public appearance in Ohio for a good long while. Now I know this is earlier than a lot of you do your “partying” typically, but I wanted something close enough to happy hour that my former work colleagues at Mills James and UALC could all swing by and buy me a round (or chip in to the gas fund :) and then the rest of you can show up later and we’ll all go out to the Arena District after Damon’s kicks us out or something. More details on that to come, watch your facebook/email/myspace for something from me.

-Military Time is Where the Heart Is-
If you ever find yourself intentionally unemployed, but still want to feel good about yourself for sitting around all day in your Superman footie PJ’s watching Nickelodeon’s Legends of the Hidden Temple reruns and drinking expired eggnog from a Tupperware bowl, you should try using Military Time in your day-to-day interactions. It won’t help you get more done, but it might make you sound like less of a bum when you try to explain to your friends why you’re waking up at noon every day.

-Heart is Where the Heart Is-
Look, I’m just gonna put it out there: Ma-Ti (the South American representative given the “Heart” ring on Captain Planet and The Planeteers) totally got the shaft. The rest of The Planeteers got control of cool elements such as (in order of coolness): Fire, Earth, Water, and Wind. While the function of those other rings is pretty obvious (fire controls fire, wind controls wind, etc.), the Heart ring didn’t really have a standard “cool” use — unless you count talking to howler monkeys with your mind as “cool.” I don’t. Even the chant to summon Captain Planet sounds like the Heart element was an afterthought; “Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! …Heart?” Now even though Ma-Ti was easily the least cool character of the five Planeteers, I still didn’t think it was fair that his power should be so lame…but then as I was thinking about it some more (I’m working on a sequel to the popular Dr. Suess tome called “Oh the Thinks You Can Think…When You’re Unemployed.” It’s gonna be big), I realized that love him or hate him, Ma-Ti is part of the team, and he’s not going anywhere. His power might not be as cool as the others; he himself might not be as cool as the others, but at the end of the day, there’s something to be said for a good person who will just listen to you and share their heart with you. As I prepare to move to LA — a city overrun with needlessly-flashy, shallow hotheads like Wheeler (fire ring), stubborn A-holes like Kwame (earth ring), ignorant hippie doormats like Gi (water ring), and alcoholic, fake-blonde party-girls like Linka (wind ring, and she was Russian, so it goes without saying that she was a heavy drinker) — it seems likely that the Ma-Ti’s of the world will be worth their weight in South American gold, and that the value of Heart will finally be apparent…assuming I can put up with the smell of howler monkey.

And on that note, fanboys and girls, I bid you adieu. Look for a new blog before ’07 is spent, and I hope to see everyone on the 4th!

Much love,
Dustin

28 Days Prior

Not just the title of my can’t-miss, coming-of-age screenplay about a young zombie’s foray into the world of competitive ice-dancing, it also happens to be exactly 28 days prior to my exodus out west. And with 1/11 right around the corner, I find myself with plenty of new info to share with y’all, so sit back, take a sip of your Chai Tea Latte (they taste like Christmas), and prepare to have more Dustin thrown at you than is legally allowed in some states (I’m talking to you, Iowa).

Well boys and girls, it’s been a couple weeks since I’ve spoken to the internet, so I’m dedicating most of today to (in order):
+Writing a new blog
+Responding to ignored emails
+Commenting back to everyone I’ve neglected on facebook/myspace
+Setting up some sort of group or event to get people my new phone #
+Uploading pictures from the wedding, etc.
+Potential Party-Planning
+And much, much more!
I hope you realize how much I go through just to make you guys happy! Now, on to the blog!

-AAA Commercial-
For starters, I want to say thanks to everyone for being awesomely supportive of my most recent faux-acting endeavor. For those of you who don’t know, I was recently featured in a national commercial for AAA (the Auto Club) as Chris Kringle’s teenage son, Zak Kringle. The commercial was an entirely improvised shoot (shot in September) where they pretty much just put me in a beard and a costume and said “go.” A couple of hours later, they had enough material to cut a duo of 30 second TV spots together, and apparently enough extra footage to launch www.zakkringle.com — a website featuring videos, games, pictures, etc. based on the character that I created. Check it out if you have a free second, and keep my residuals coming. And though it’s a supposedly national commercial, I think it’s only running in places where winter driving happens, so apologies to my Cali brothers and sisters who will probably miss this rare gem (luckily I’ve linked to this commercial like mad, so you can still get the full experience! God bless narcissism!)

-Zak in Real Life-
And speaking of superfluous material, the people at the ad agency for whom I portrayed Zak Kringle thought it would be cool to give Zak facebook and myspace accounts, as well as a blog — which you can find respectively at:
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=790718488
http://www.myspace.com/zakkringle
and http://zakkringle.blogspot.com
Now even though I went a little self-promotion crazy when the ZK stuff first went to air, it’s important for me to stress that the person/people behind Zak on facebook, myspace, youtube, etc. is/are NOT ME. So while I fully encourage you to friend them and check out the material for a good laugh, it’s important that you don’t leave them overly-personal comments like, “Hey dude, remember that one time we almost got caught sneaking heroin into the country from Mexico?” or anything else that you wouldn’t want a perfect stranger to know about you or me. Because remember the First Rule of Logic and Reason: if it looks like me and talks like me, it’s me — except on the internet.

-As Nick Swardson Would Say…-
Party. If I had a nickel for every person who’s suggested to me that I throw some kind of going-away bash/fundraiser/party/event, I’d have enough money to throw a party/event/bash/fundraiser. Suffice it to say, I’m actually considering the idea, but I need you internet-dwellers to help get me past a couple of hurdles first.

+For starters, where? I’m not the captain of the football team or anything popular, but none of the places I live or have lived are big enough for me to open the doors to everyone I’d want to invite. So where’s a good place to host upwards of 100 people on a Friday night or something?

+Second, when’s a good time to schedule it? If I go pre-Christmas/New Year’s, will most people be too busy to attend? Or if I go after, will people be too partied-out to attend?

+Third, theme. Should there be some sort of theme to the gathering (the “ugly Christmas-sweaters” theme is being done to death this year, by the way), or is kicking me out of town reason enough?

+Lastly, is it tacky to put out a tip jar at your own party? Having recently left my job has put a real damper on my income, but would anyone actually toss in a buck or two to the “Ditch Dustin” fund, or should I just sell lemonade instead?

I’ve got questions, you’ve got answers. Now get to it.

-I Phone, You Phone, We All Phone for iPhone-
You’ve heard me beg. You’ve heard me whine. You’ve heard me plead on deaf ears. Well I’m hear to tell you, my cries for justice have been satiated, because earlier this week, I purchased an iPhone that I intend to love, cherish and honor till death do us part. So far, I love it, but I’ll try to keep you guys updated on the pros and cons of iPhoning in case you’re on the fence about whether or not to drop 500 Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers on buying one. Also, as I briefly mentioned above, I have a new number (for reasons that are too long and boring to discuss here, I decided to leave my old number in Ohio), and if you want this brand spankin’ new number, be sure to hit me up on here or via email for it or something.

-Housing Projects-
When I last wrote, I had zero (0) places to live in LA, CA. But I’m happy to report that as of this writing, I have two and a half (2.5) potential living situations that are all very do-able, with very do-able people. Since I know you’re all riddled with suspense, I’ll break these options down for you:
~Opt. 1) Getting a place with my buddy AC (an actual person, not an air conditioner) on the “nicer side” of USC’s campus.
~Opt. 2) Living with the fine fellows of Manhattan Beach until Sharvin kicks me out.
~Opt. 3) Living rent-free in one of my uncle’s beach houses in San Clemente till I find a place of my own…this would be option 1 except for San Clemente is about two hours south of LA, and since that makes it about a 17-hour commute with traffic, I’d rather not.

-It’s a Whole Chicken/Egg Situation-
The subtitle of this part is actually a reference to me getting a job (Flight of the Conchords faithful should get the joke), specifically the fact that I don’t have one lined up out West…and that I’m not 100% sure that I want to line one up before I go. Now, as you all should know by now, I’m not a worrier in general…but if there’s any aspect of my move that has me nervous, it’s my employment status post-move. I’ve decided that I’m not going to apply for a job till either I know for sure where I’ll be living in LA, or until I actually move out there and get settled first. This plan is probably a bad idea for a couple of reasons: January is a notoriously slow economic season due to the mass-spending everyone does at Christmas, and since every original show in LA is about to go dark because of the latest failed Writer/Studio strike negotiations, there will be lots of extra competition for the jobs that are available. So like I said, I’m not worried, just mildly nervous. Any suggestions, prayers, positive encouragement, or job offers would be welcome.

-Going to The Chapel, and We’re Gonna…Be Groomsmen-
Last weekend marked the penultimate wedding of 2007 for me, and the last one where I’m a member of the wedding party. I’ve spent more money on tuxedo rental than I have on healthcare this past year, and though I’ve had a blast at each and every ceremony (congrats to Tony/Molly, Isaac/Melanie, Phil/Sarah, Joe/Sarah, Emily/Steven, Paul/Katie, and the dozens of others that I’m forgetting) I will be glad when the final “I Do” of ’07 is uttered next weekend (pre-congrats to Allie/Bobby). Anyway, the moral of this paragraph is simple: if you’re a recent grad (I’m looking at you, Meredith), do yourself a favor and get a frequent flyer membership at After Hours Tuxes or David’s Bridal (or wherever it is that bridesmaids’ dresses come from) NOW, because it wasn’t too long ago that I laughed in the face of an associate who tried to sell me on a FREE membership where I’d receive a free rental for every $500 I spent. “Ha,” I thought, “When am I ever going to spend $500 or more on tuxes in a year?!” Now, after almost $1,000 of tuxedo-laden good times, methinks he’s the one doing the laughing.

Well gang, there you have it. That’s my two cents for the time being, feel free to add your two cents as well via comments or texts or emails or whatever…and if we have enough of them, maybe we can all chip in and buy a cup of coffee or something. And in an effort to make these things less long, wordy, and boring, I’ll try to give shorter, more concise updates in the coming four weeks. God bless anyone with the fortitude to read this far who isn’t related to me.

Much love,
Dustin

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