The WORST Horror Movies of All Time

It’s February, the month of love, black history, groundhogs, and awards shows (and if they ever have an award show honoring the most lovely groundhogs in all of history, you can bet that event would take place in February). With the Academy Awards and love on the brain, it seemed like the right time to countdown the worst horror movies of all time. So here they are. (I’m not big on segues).

The WORST Horror Movies of ALL TIME

The Passion of the Christ
Blood! Guts! Zombies! While this movie contains all the staples of a good horror movie, it really fails to deliver that jump-from-your-seat terror that we’ve come to expect from modern horror movies. Mel Gibson just doesn’t have the directorial chops to pull off a horror movie of this magnitude, hopefully things will look up for his career after this misstep.

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
This may be a movie about a blood-thirsty alien that crashes into Earth with the intention of savagely devouring its inhabitants to slake its bloodlust, but the only thing that crashes and burns here is the idea that this alien could be a danger to anyone. Drew Barrymore as a child pulls off the screaming victim ok here, but ultimately the terror of this film just falls flat.

Toy Story 2
The much-anticipated follow-up to the terrifying legend about one boy’s dolls that come to life and terrorize an entire town, the sequel sadly doesn’t live up to the scare-levels of the original. With not nearly enough blood and gore for die-hard screamsters like myself, Toy Story 2 is at best not scary, and at worst infuriatingly tame. Some parts are even downright laughable. But in true horror movie fashion, once they get one sequel made they just start cranking them out nonstop, so don’t expect Toy Story 3 to be any better (and SHOCKER, there’s already a Toy Story 4 in the works. It’s the Saw franchise all over again).

Mary Poppins
The premise is a tried-and-true one: a supposed children’s caretaker flies into town on the wind of a dark spell and uses her evil magic powers to wreak havoc in the lives of all whom she encounters. Whether it’s trapping her young wards into mystical drawings, or imprisoning children in chimneys, this is one bad-news nanny, but that sadly doesn’t make up for a lack of scares that leave this movie feeling more like a walk in the park rather than a scream-filled fright-fest that viewers want. Even when the nanny summons her dark familiars like her demon-possessed umbrella harpy, or her chimney-sweep henchman, this movie fails to make you feel like there is ever any real danger afoot. Better luck next time, Scary Mary.

The Nightmare Before Christmas
Stop-motion animation can definitely make for some spooky movie-making, but this film about the dark lord of the netherworld rising to take-over Christmas for him and his dark minions feels more like a daydream than a true nightmare. Too many stockings, not enough stalkings for THIS horror-movie-lover.

The Little Mermaid
The well-known Hans Christian Andersen tale — about a young mermaid that wants to steal a part of a prince’s soul so she can get into Heaven but ultimately can’t bring herself to kill him, so she kills herself by throwing herself off a cliff into the craggy rocks of the seaside — FINALLY gets the big screen treatment it deserves. BUT unfortunately the Hollywood Machine does what it does best and totally ruins the source material with this horror movie. Say goodbye to Andersen’s trademark gory details about the Mermaid getting her legs split with a sword and having her tongue ripped out by the Sea Witch’s curse (and who could forget the cost of the spell, that any movement the Mermaid makes with her legs will feel like she is constantly walking on sharp knives), and instead get ready to see a Mermaid that’s so untrue to her source character that she doesn’t even commit suicide at the end. Just like the mermaids in HCA’s tale, this movie turns into sea-foam and fizzles away before we get the horror movie we wanted!

…Hope you got some ointment for those BURNS, would-be horror movies, maybe next time you won’t short us on the scares that we crave! ;) On the upside, I finally got my hands on the film adaptation of the famous Brothers Grimm’s scary story, Snow White, so I’m excited to let that one scream me to new heights of scariness (I’m especially excited to see how they depict the scene where Snow White and her prince force the Evil Queen into a pair of glowing-hot iron shoes and force her to dance until she drops dead as punishment for her attempted murders).

Play on,
Dustin

I haven’t seen this horror movie yet, but I imagine it’s a lot like Taken.

…Want more Mind Bullets? New posts go up every Wednesday at noon PST (or as close to that as I feel like), and you can subscribe if you want them delivered right to your inbox! …Or if you’re too impatient to wait that long you can follow me on twitter, instagram, youtube (new videos every Monday), and my boring personal website. Whew, that’s a lot of self promotion…even I don’t like me enough to keep up with all that.

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Yelp Review of the First Thanksgiving

In a rare stroke of historical fortune, I managed to get my hands on Yelp reviews from the VERY FIRST Thanksgiving(!). Long considered some of the very first Yelp reviews ever documented, these offer some amazing and unique insight into our country’s history. Peruse and enjoy.

Edward “E.W.” Winslow:
Ugh, where do I even begin? At one time we used to come to the cornucopia at least four times a month, unfortunately in recent years the quality and service has degraded to the point that it is self abuse to even consider eating there.

I think that the management and the employees think that this poor excuse for service and food is acceptable considering how busy they are on Friday and Saturday nights, but most of the activity is outside in the parking lot and we have gone to eating elsewhere prior to showing up at Bobs and seeing our friends.

Here’s what you do.
1. Go to Ribs USA and have ribs and a pitcher.
2. Go Bob’s Parking Lot and look at the cars and see friends.
3. Pick up a latte at Starbucks next to Bob’s.

1/5 Stars, would not recommend.

S.E. Morrison:
Methinks I love it here!

My grandparents used to take me to this sort of thing when I was a kid which contributed to my status of “chubster.”

I have been begging my best friend Eric for years to go and he finally gave in.  We arrived late to avoid the crowds and seated almost immediately.

I remember the burgers being a bit bigger or maybe I just grew into them. They are delicious and the secret sauce is awesome. I enjoyed a diet coke and ended the evening with the chocolate ice cream cake. I nearly stabbed my friend’s hand off when he attempted to hijack some of my cake! It was that good. Of course I’d never resort to violence in a group like this, we just get along too well! :)

4/5 Stars, probably would recommend.

Asst. Chief Kevin “River Bull” Cuadogah:
Cranberry sauce was runny, turkey was dry, but the goose was okay. Stick around for the pumpkin pie though, you do NOT want to miss that! ;) Thought it was odd that several of the cooks asked me for tips on growing corn and catching fish so they could add new courses to their menu, not going to worry about it for now though..besides what’s the harm in sharing some tips & tricks — especially if it means more of that pie 8-)

3/5 Stars, may or may not recommend.

Alexander Young:
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is this place so famous??? WHY?

I have an iron stomach, but every time I eat here I get sick. I initially get mentally sick off the taste/smell/consistency of the food and then later I get physically sick off the food itself.

Every time I go here, I ask myself, “Why did you forget that you hate this place AGAIN?”

If you must try this place, please at least refrain from getting a tuna melt. That’s just plain stupid!

1/5 Stars, would not recommend.

William Bradford:
institution? yes
but the food is horrible
ick ick yuck ick ick.

2/5 Stars, probably would not recommend.

Linda Coombs, Aquinnah Wampanoag:
I felt compelled to write a review, even after dining here many times. After seeing some of the other reviews, I think they are giving them a bad rap. If you visit an establishment one time and have a bad experience, don’t shoot down the business on one visit. Give them another chance and go again. Fortunately I have never had a bad experience either inside or with take out orders. Yes we all have our preference for food, so I just stick to the items I like. So far 5 stars for breakfast, the pulled pork sandwich, the turkey burger and the chili. Service has always been 5 stars. It’s a family place and I love the vibe of the noise. We live right across the street and I can tell you that yes parking can be a problem on Friday night, but come down our street (Rose) and park, police won’t bother you in the late afternoon/early evening, and lots of parking on Valley. We love it here, especially because it is an historical site and represents so many memories for so many people. We need more family friendly food places in this day and age of trendy hipster joints. Put down your veggie wrap and green tea and have a turkey burger and cranberry sauce milkshake once in awhile. Life is short. Also, could definitely take these guys in a fight.

5/5 Stars, would definitely recommend.

Sarah Josepha Hale:
Forget Denny’s or IHOP! This place is awesome! Food is just as good if not better than those other places, but you mainly come here for the environment and nostalgia. And every Friday, they have car shows! Waitstaff seemed like mostly English-as-a-second-language speakers, but what they lacked in service skills they made up for in passion for their craft and work ethic. Could def take them in a war, though, if that sort of thing ever went down.

5/5 Stars, would definitely recommend.

Chief Temecuah “Beverly” Massasoit:
Flashback! OMG! Too bad there are not more of these places like when I was a kid! I loved taking pictures with the ginormous statue outside the building wearing his red and white pants! Good times, good times!

So I went back as an adult and got the original combo because I know how it’s supposed to taste! And OMG! THE SAME. NOTHING has changed except the location! :-D That is probably a good thing because I’d be a regular fixture and they’d be paying me to stay away! I of course washed it all down with a Coke! I WAS SO NOT WATCHING MY WAISTLINE THIS NIGHT, maybe watching it expand! ;)

The sauce — which you can buy in some grocery stores — was SOOOO YUMMY DELICIOUS! I was such a piggy! I of course could NOT finish it all but I sure had fun trying!

I needed to be rolled out of there by the time I was done! I certainly couldn’t drive so I had to just sit and wait for some of my food to go down! YIKES! Can somebody say “GLUT ALERT!” LOL So shameful! But I certainly enjoyed myself!

But it was DELICIOUS and I WILL BE BACK! The wait staff was really nice and friendly. They always were! I remember when I was a kid I learned a big money lesson here one year around Christmastime, which I have NEVER FORGOTTEN! In fact I am REALLY GOOD with money NOW! Try to take advantage of me, cheat me, steal from me and it will be the last thing you do!  LOL! ;)

I LOVE YOU!  Don’t evaaaa leave me! ;)

Could def take them in battle tho, and their knowledge of growing corn and netting fish is like NOPE. lol. Looks like they’re gonna need us for a long, long time. 8-)

5/5 Stars, would definitely recommend.

Squanto:
Yawn, felt like a worse version of what I could’ve made for myself at home. Points for effort tho.

3/5 Stars, may or may not recommend.

Eleanor Billington:
just another place where me and my ride or die betches can GET TURNT UP (lol i’m looking at you Elizabeth Hopkins, Mary Brewster, and Susanna (White) Winslow :-* xoxo). The vibe can get WEIRD if you stay long enough to wear out your welcome, but me and ma gurlssz always know how to keep the party going ALL NIGHT LONG ;) did someone say SHOTS? YASSSS PLZ.

5/5 Stars, would definitely recommend.

Play on,
Dustin

…Want more Mind Bullets? New posts go up every Wednesday at noon PST (or as close to that as I feel like), and you can subscribe if you want them delivered right to your inbox! …Or if you’re too impatient to wait that long you can follow me on twitter, instagram, youtube (new videos every Monday), and my boring personal website. Whew, that’s a lot of self promotion…even I don’t like me enough to keep up with all that.

Hollywood: The Great Sequelizer

We all hate needless sequels/remakes/reboots/big-screen-conversions/bastardizations of our favorite franchises, yet moviemakers in LA are pumping them out faster than ever. Can you imagine pre-ordering tickets for a remake of a played-out 80s teen franchise or a movie about a newspaper comic strip dog (The Karate Kid and Marmaduke, both scheduled for release later this year)? Me neither. It wouldn’t be quite so painful if we didn’t all know ahead of time that these movies will be terrible, but alas, the quality of these movies is often as predictable as their poor plots…and take a moment to realize what you’re saying about the quality of a movie when you know going in to it that the movie adaptation isn’t going to “live up” to the original Dukes of Hazard. But Hollywood’s erection for pre-established and thus cheaper-to-market brands clearly isn’t going away any time soon, so rather than fight the beast, I say we agree to a compromise, as I present:

Five Movies Hollywood is Allowed to (re)Make: