If Fast Food Restaurants Were Girls I’ve Dated:
McDonald’s = The slutty one. Too available, too eager to please, and kind of gross when you find out some of the behind-the-scenes, next-level details. Over six billion served.
Taco Bell = The girl that I was ashamed to be seen with. Sure we got along great, same interests, fun chemistry…but for whatever reason, I found myself embarrassed to be seen with her. Maybe it was her lack of intelligence, maybe it was her off-putting style, maybe she was the kind of girl I didn’t think would get along with my friends — whatever the reason, I kept our relationship on the down low the same way I sneak my bag full of chalupas in the back way to my apartment, then dispose of the evidence in the trash before the roommate gets home.
Wendy’s = The boring one. As all-American as the redhead with pigtails on the front door, this girl is as plain and simple as the good, old-fashioned hamburgers we’ve had for years. Unfortunately, plain, simple, and old-fashioned aren’t always the adjectives you want to describe your relationship, and this girl gets stale as quickly as a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger that isn’t eaten in the first 90 seconds of being served.
Burger King = The doormat. Whatever you want, that’s what she wants too. Burger King wants you to “Have it your way” and so does this girl. Her favorite movie? Whatever you want to see. Her favorite hobbies? Anything you’re in to. Her ideal date night? Doesn’t matter as long as it’s with you. This girl is fine if you’re the sort of guy who doesn’t want to be challenged or questioned in a relationship, but the rest of us prefer to date equals, not just Yes-Men/Yes-Women.
Carl’s Jr./Hardees = The one that stopped trying. For some women, the goal is just to get a boyfriend, any boyfriend, and that’s as ambitious as they’ve ever gotten. At some point in the ‘80s, the Fast Food Civil War was declared a three-way victory between McD’s/BK/Wendy’s, with everyone else left to just snap up whatever scraps of success they could. For Carl’s Jr, that was plenty. No desire or ability to shoot beyond their current level, they’re just happy to be in the game at all, and if that means settling for less than the best, then come on in, because we have an order of microwaved chili-cheese fries and some B-rate marketing with your name on it.
Subway = The fake. If you like your ham to come from a tube and your tomatoes as soft as a Drake album, then this is the place for you. This is the girl who sings your praises as “world’s best boyfriend” to your face, then rips you to shreds with made-up maladies in front of her girlfriend crew just so she can have some drama to dish about. You could never figure out why her family didn’t like you the same way you couldn’t figure out how all these pro athletes stay in Olympic shape on a diet of footlong meatball subs. Only after the fact do you realize that your girlfriend was painting a picture of you that was drastically different from actual reality — the same way Michael Phelps is only eating Italian BMTs after his medical marijuana-induced munchies have kicked in.
In N Out Burger = The Keeper. Quality ingredients, happy and confident in what they are, and a delicious menu that seems simple at first glance but actually has a much more-than-meets-the-eye complexity to it; this is The Mrs. Right of restaurants. Smarts, looks, and a great heart all swirled together like a delicious Neapolitan shake, this is the one that you compare all the others to — and realize they don’t even come close. And of course, always worth the wait (even when the drive-through line is wrapped around the block).
…But then again what do I know? I’m just an Arby’s — overpriced, overrated, thinks it’s better than it actually is, past its prime, and nobody’s first choice. But hey at least we’ll always have that Jamocha Shake to look forward to, right? …RIGHT?? :’(
NOTE/DISCLAIMER: I am generalizing types of women from MY LIFE that I HAVE MET/KNOW, not all women as a whole. So if you think that this jokey list doesn’t thoroughly/accurately represent every type of woman that exists: you’re right. Women are a diverse and wonderful species and this is meant to be a jovial/exaggerated documentation of my own experiences with a handful of them, not an exhaustive catalog of all the majesty that is womankind. This isn’t an objectification of women, it’s a personification of fast food restaurants. So spare me the hate mail. :) And if you’re still offended, then no worries, I’ve already written you an apology here.
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