If Fast Food Restaurants Were Girls I’ve Dated

If Fast Food Restaurants Were Girls I’ve Dated:

McDonald’s = The slutty one. Too available, too eager to please, and kind of gross when you find out some of the behind-the-scenes, next-level details. Over six billion served.

Taco Bell = The girl that I was ashamed to be seen with. Sure we got along great, same interests, fun chemistry…but for whatever reason, I found myself embarrassed to be seen with her. Maybe it was her lack of intelligence, maybe it was her off-putting style, maybe she was the kind of girl I didn’t think would get along with my friends — whatever the reason, I kept our relationship on the down low the same way I sneak my bag full of chalupas in the back way to my apartment, then dispose of the evidence in the trash before the roommate gets home.

Wendy’s = The boring one. As all-American as the redhead with pigtails on the front door, this girl is as plain and simple as the good, old-fashioned hamburgers we’ve had for years. Unfortunately, plain, simple, and old-fashioned aren’t always the adjectives you want to describe your relationship, and this girl gets stale as quickly as a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger that isn’t eaten in the first 90 seconds of being served.

Burger King = The doormat. Whatever you want, that’s what she wants too. Burger King wants you to “Have it your way” and so does this girl. Her favorite movie? Whatever you want to see. Her favorite hobbies? Anything you’re in to. Her ideal date night? Doesn’t matter as long as it’s with you. This girl is fine if you’re the sort of guy who doesn’t want to be challenged or questioned in a relationship, but the rest of us prefer to date equals, not just Yes-Men/Yes-Women.

Carl’s Jr./Hardees = The one that stopped trying. For some women, the goal is just to get a boyfriend, any boyfriend, and that’s as ambitious as they’ve ever gotten. At some point in the ‘80s, the Fast Food Civil War was declared a three-way victory between McD’s/BK/Wendy’s, with everyone else left to just snap up whatever scraps of success they could. For Carl’s Jr, that was plenty. No desire or ability to shoot beyond their current level, they’re just happy to be in the game at all, and if that means settling for less than the best, then come on in, because we have an order of microwaved chili-cheese fries and some B-rate marketing with your name on it.

Subway = The fake. If you like your ham to come from a tube and your tomatoes as soft as a Drake album, then this is the place for you. This is the girl who sings your praises as “world’s best boyfriend” to your face, then rips you to shreds with made-up maladies in front of her girlfriend crew just so she can have some drama to dish about. You could never figure out why her family didn’t like you the same way you couldn’t figure out how all these pro athletes stay in Olympic shape on a diet of footlong meatball subs. Only after the fact do you realize that your girlfriend was painting a picture of you that was drastically different from actual reality — the same way Michael Phelps is only eating Italian BMTs after his medical marijuana-induced munchies have kicked in.

In N Out Burger = The Keeper. Quality ingredients, happy and confident in what they are, and a delicious menu that seems simple at first glance but actually has a much more-than-meets-the-eye complexity to it; this is The Mrs. Right of restaurants. Smarts, looks, and a great heart all swirled together like a delicious Neapolitan shake, this is the one that you compare all the others to — and realize they don’t even come close. And of course, always worth the wait (even when the drive-through line is wrapped around the block).

…But then again what do I know? I’m just an Arby’s — overpriced, overrated, thinks it’s better than it actually is, past its prime, and nobody’s first choice. But hey at least we’ll always have that Jamocha Shake to look forward to, right? …RIGHT?? :’(

Play on,
Dustin

NOTE/DISCLAIMER: I am generalizing types of women from MY LIFE that I HAVE MET/KNOW, not all women as a whole. So if you think that this jokey list doesn’t thoroughly/accurately represent every type of woman that exists: you’re right. Women are a diverse and wonderful species and this is meant to be a jovial/exaggerated documentation of my own experiences with a handful of them, not an exhaustive catalog of all the majesty that is womankind. This isn’t an objectification of women, it’s a personification of fast food restaurants. So spare me the hate mail. :) And if you’re still offended, then no worries, I’ve already written you an apology here.

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…Want more Mind Bullets? New posts go up every Wednesday at noon PST (or as close to that as I feel like), and you can subscribe if you want them delivered right to your inbox! …Or if you’re too impatient to wait that long you can follow me on twitter, instagram, youtube (new videos every Monday), and my boring personal website. Whew, that’s a lot of self promotion…even I don’t like me enough to keep up with all that.

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A Man Who Knows Nothing About What It’s Like to be A Woman, But Has Opinions & Advice Anyway

Girls.

You prance around the party showing off pictures of you and your friends and you say “omg these girls are gorgeoussssss.” And you mean it. You’re not saying it to be unkind or ironic or whatever (not usually at least), you really think your girlfriends are beautiful in any way worth measuring and you want your other and you want everyone else to know it. You’re proud of them for who they are, and that makes them beautiful to you.

Then.

Later on in a different interaction you are fixated on a picture of yourself that you are contemplating deleting or having your friend delete due to the obvious litany of physical flaws that stick out to you like an adult male at a Taylor Swift concert. You look at yourself and go “blah i’m ugly and fat and awful what gives.” Your this is too that, your that is too ugh, and your ugh is the most ew that ever ew’d.

But.

The fact of the matter is that when you look at your female friends you are choosing to see beauty in all the ways that they are, truly, beautiful. But when you look at yourself, you are choosing to see ugliness…so much so that sometimes you’ll even invent ugliness where there is none. This is an unfair, unhelpful, and ultimately unhealthy way to look at yourself — at best it’s limiting your own potential, at worst it’s laying the groundwork for some pretty nasty psychological disorders.

Today.

Just today, give yourself the same benefit of the doubt and grace that you extend to those around you. See the picture of the four of you and when you get to you, choose to see the same type of beauty that you create for your friends. The gorgeous qualities they see in you, the unity and freedom that comes from not having to say “make me look skinny” before you ask a friend to take a picture of the group and hoping that people with think you’re just being funny when you say it. Choose to see a better you and a better you will emerge.

We.

All have flaws. No one is saying you have nothing to work on, or that one of life’s great (and most rewarding) challenges is self-betterment (whether physically, mentally, emotionally, or otherwise). But make your elimination of flaws a celebration and a focused journey, akin to successfully surmounting Everest, rather than just a struggle to trudge your way out of the swamp and eliminate the deficit between you and the “normal” people. Change what you can (healthily) change, accept what you cannot, and find joy in the moments in between. Use your friends for support, not comparison, and you will find yourself much improved as you face the true difficulties in store. And PLEASE don’t wear crocs. Ugh.

Play on,
Dustin

Post script/disclaimer: This post was mildly directed toward women because they — both from societal and individual standpoints — tend to have to more pressure and focus put on their physical attractiveness than men and (at least in my experience) have echoed (or quoted directly) the statements above. HOWEVER, this obviously applies just as equally to men who might struggle with similar issues and/or any human that has ever had any self-doubts or self-esteem issues based on their own flaws (whether real or perceived) at any point in their lives or in the entirety of human history. So there.

…Want more Mind Bullets? New posts go up every Wednesday at noon PST (or as close to that as I feel like), and you can subscribe if you want them delivered right to your inbox! …Or if you’re too impatient to wait that long you can follow me on twitter, instagram, youtube (new videos every Monday), and my boring personal website. Whew, that’s a lot of self promotion…even I don’t like me enough to keep up with all that.

The Five Stages of When a Pretty Girl Talks to You

Spring is in the air, which means attractive women will be popping out of the woodwork left and right in your everyday life. Now don’t worry, most of these hot girls won’t even notice you, and the ones that do definitely won’t want to interact with you…however, the law of averages says that at some point a cute gal is going to need you for something (like doing her math homework or giving up your place in the movie theater line so her and her friends can see Spring Breakers, etc.), so in order to give you a fighting chance when that situation arises, I’ve written a brief guide to assist you…

Wait…why is she looking over here? Oh God, her mouth is making sounds at me, OH GOD SAVE ME!

The Five Stages of When a Pretty Girl Talks to You:

Happy Fourth Twitterversary! Twenty-Five Tweets for You!

I started my twitter four years ago today, to impress a girl. March 12, 2009. Don’t ask me why I know that. Actually ask me why I know that. I know that because for a while, if you went to your profile page on the twitter app for iPhone, it told you what day you joined and I have a photographic memory. Probably. My first tweet was the exceedingly clever and original: “is trying to figure out what the deuce twitter is for…and how it’s different/better than facebook status updates.”

You’re impressed, I can tell. And now here in March 2013 (and 16,567 tweets later), I’m proud to say that I still have no idea how it’s different/better than facebook status updates, but for whatever reason it’s a lot of fun, so I keep at it.

As a treat to myself disguised as a treat to you, I’ve selected some of my favorite tweets from my first year of tweeting, all the way back in 2009, to share here as an twitterversary present. Enjoy them or dis-enjoy them, it’s up to you. And if you feel so inclined, follow me @ocdustino — sometimes I tweet things that are funnier than my first tweet, if only slightly.

And how did I end up with this as my twitter background picture? No one knows, and more importantly, no one cares.

The Highlights of 2009, in tweet form:
Oh you know, just sitting next to Alec Baldwin, no big deal. yep, this is LA. — April 26th (the first of literally thousands of the douchier things I’d tweet)

I wonder if my spray-on sunblock will cancel out the effects of my spray-on tan? — May 1st

I don’t care too much for money…which is a good thing since apparently it doesn’t care too much for me, either. — June 1st

Subway lady messed up my sandwich order 6 different times — I didn’t realize the sandwich artists were taking so many artistic liberties these days. — June 4th

sometimes it gets boring making out with hot girls…solution? make out with EVEN HOTTER girls. I should be president of awesome. — June 18th

I left my heart in San Francisco…but I left my genitals in Las Vegas. — June 27th

I’m celebrating 4th of July just like my forefathers did: oppressing minorities and claiming someone else’s land as my own. — July 4th

Twenty for Twenty: Trax on Trax on Trax

Are some of you 20 years old out there? Nice! Would you be interested in hearing about a show that debuted the year you were born? Well you’re in luck, because I just had a totally original idea to take the 20th of every month to celebrate something from 20 years ago, which is in no way a cheap repurposing of the 10 for 10 gimmick that I came up with along with hundreds of other people.

The year was 1993, electricity had just recently been invented, and with it, came the advent of something called televised-vision (or television, for short). Along with an endless stream of gameshows, talk shows, and soap operas, televised-vision (or television for short (or TV for SUPER short, because acronyms hadn’t been invented yet)) came original, fictional programming.

Nineteen-Ninety-Thrice produced several breakout TV hits in this genre, but the one that was dearest to my heart while simultaneously being the most obscure reference I could make in this post is: Time Trax! What’s that? Never heard of Time Trax?! Well as Mister Rogers would say, “STRAP THE F*** IN, NEIGHBORS, IT’S TIME TO TAKE THE PARTY TROLLEY TO THE LAND OF MAKE-BELIEVE!”

The year 2193: where we finally replaced “cks” with X, just like you always knew we would.