Tag Archives: women

The Five Stages of When a Pretty Girl Talks to You

Spring is in the air, which means attractive women will be popping out of the woodwork left and right in your everyday life. Now don’t worry, most of these hot girls won’t even notice you, and the ones that do definitely won’t want to interact with you…however, the law of averages says that at some point a cute gal is going to need you for something (like doing her math homework or giving up your place in the movie theater line so her and her friends can see Spring Breakers, etc.), so in order to give you a fighting chance when that situation arises, I’ve written a brief guide to assist you…

Wait...why is she looking over here? Oh God, her mouth is making sounds at me, OH GOD SAVE ME!

Wait…why is she looking over here? Oh God, her mouth is making sounds at me, OH GOD SAVE ME!

The Five Stages of When a Pretty Girl Talks to You:

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30 in 30, Day 27: The Five Best Gifts to Get Your Man

Whether the occasion is a birthday, holiday, anniversary, or Jewish high holy day, a constant frustration I hear from many girlfriends/wives is that they’re almost never sure what would be the best gift to get their man. Well fret not, considerate ladies of the world, because I’m here to tell you the five gifts that any man you’re dating will want (so I hope you saved the receipt for that 70th Anniversary Collector’s Edition of Gone with the Wind).
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30 in 30, Day 19: Celebrity Crush Power-Rankings and Why It’s Not Sexist

As we enter the time of year where friends are drawn near, loved ones are cherished, and family is still taken for granted, just slightly less so, I felt it would be a good time to mix in some good, ol’ fashioned chauvinism and rank my top celebrity  objects  crushes.  Disclaimer: these rankings are totally subjective to me and my personal preferences, and are in no way a reflection of my value of women or relationships as a whole. Considerations include, but are not limited to: attractiveness (both physical attractiveness and whatever sort of mental/personality/emotional attractiveness I assign them based on tv/radio/print or fabricated interviews), career sustainability, drug use (or in particular, the lack thereof), chances that said crush would sleep with me, potential parenting skills, hotness (different from attractiveness), industry cred, proximity in age (sort of), chances that said crush wouldn’t sleep with me, predicted fidelity, and likelihood she won’t randomly go batshit crazy at some point (at least relative to most women, since there’s no such thing as women who don’t have at least some chance of randomly going batshit crazy at some point).
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The Theory of Thirteen

I have a scientific theory.  It’s scientific in the sense that I once took a science class, and it’s a theory in the sense that it’s not based on any sort of fact or experience.  Kind of like Scientology.

The theory is that everyone in life has thirteen people that they could potentially fall in love with (this theory is exclusive to romantic love, we’re not talking about the love that mothers have for their children or the unrequited love I have for the Cincinnati Begnals).  This might sound contradictory coming from someone who’s a self-proclaimed “hopeless romantic”, so let me break it down for you:

Out of the (roughly) six billion people in the world, let’s say about half of them are male, half of them are female, and two of them are Jamie Lee Curtis and Lady Gaga (it’s a hermaphrodite joke. If you don’t know that word, please don’t google it).  So depending on your preference, you have either three billion women or three billion men to choose from.

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