I started my twitter four years ago today, to impress a girl. March 12, 2009. Don’t ask me why I know that. Actually ask me why I know that. I know that because for a while, if you went to your profile page on the twitter app for iPhone, it told you what day you joined and I have a photographic memory. Probably. My first tweet was the exceedingly clever and original: “is trying to figure out what the deuce twitter is for…and how it’s different/better than facebook status updates.”
You’re impressed, I can tell. And now here in March 2013 (and 16,567 tweets later), I’m proud to say that I still have no idea how it’s different/better than facebook status updates, but for whatever reason it’s a lot of fun, so I keep at it.
As a treat to myself disguised as a treat to you, I’ve selected some of my favorite tweets from my first year of tweeting, all the way back in 2009, to share here as an twitterversary present. Enjoy them or dis-enjoy them, it’s up to you. And if you feel so inclined, follow me @ocdustino — sometimes I tweet things that are funnier than my first tweet, if only slightly.
The Highlights of 2009, in tweet form:
Oh you know, just sitting next to Alec Baldwin, no big deal. yep, this is LA. — April 26th (the first of literally thousands of the douchier things I’d tweet)
I wonder if my spray-on sunblock will cancel out the effects of my spray-on tan? — May 1st
I don’t care too much for money…which is a good thing since apparently it doesn’t care too much for me, either. — June 1st
Subway lady messed up my sandwich order 6 different times — I didn’t realize the sandwich artists were taking so many artistic liberties these days. — June 4th
sometimes it gets boring making out with hot girls…solution? make out with EVEN HOTTER girls. I should be president of awesome. — June 18th
I left my heart in San Francisco…but I left my genitals in Las Vegas. — June 27th
I’m celebrating 4th of July just like my forefathers did: oppressing minorities and claiming someone else’s land as my own. — July 4th