Tag Archives: Star Wars

The Five Stages of When a Pretty Girl Talks to You

Spring is in the air, which means attractive women will be popping out of the woodwork left and right in your everyday life. Now don’t worry, most of these hot girls won’t even notice you, and the ones that do definitely won’t want to interact with you…however, the law of averages says that at some point a cute gal is going to need you for something (like doing her math homework or giving up your place in the movie theater line so her and her friends can see Spring Breakers, etc.), so in order to give you a fighting chance when that situation arises, I’ve written a brief guide to assist you…

Wait...why is she looking over here? Oh God, her mouth is making sounds at me, OH GOD SAVE ME!

Wait…why is she looking over here? Oh God, her mouth is making sounds at me, OH GOD SAVE ME!

The Five Stages of When a Pretty Girl Talks to You:

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Ten for Ten: It’s Good to be the King

Ten years ago is a nice, around number, ripe for reminiscing. It is with that in mind that I present to you the start of an ongoing series I’m calling Ten for Ten — basically I take something really cool, underrated, badass, or just really worth remembering from ten years ago and tell you about it here, a decade past its prime (hashtag: topical). You may even notice similar themes pop up on the 20th and 30th of each month, too. Because as a child I was always told to recycle and they never said that concept doesn’t apply to gimmicks, too.

Two-double-ought-three was the year where the sequel finally became king; properties like The Matrix: Reloaded and The Matrix: Revolutions, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Bad Boys 2, X-2 (the X-men movie), 2 Fast 2 Furious all did outrageously well and as a result the moviemaking industry decided to slowly phase out all non-sequels/remakes by the year 2020 (trust me, it’s coming…or have you not seen the trailers for The Fast and the Furious 6, Top Gun 3D, Die Hard 4, or heard about the fifth Pirates of the Caribbean movie getting greenlit?).

But in a year where both twitter AND facebook hadn’t been invented yet and Netflix was still MAILING disc to its client base (I bet if video streaming had never been created the US Postal Service would still be delivering on Saturdays), what else were people to do besides go out and see movies? Talk? Yeah right, good one Dr. Phil. However amidst the turmoil of the pre-internet-addicted era, one 2003 sequel stands out above the rest…some would even go as far to say that it spawned the “threequel” craze that followed soon after (though I’m sure Star Wars, Back to the Future, and Indiana Jones franchises would disagree). I’m referring of course to The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

Like a boss.

Like a boss.

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“You Have Plenty of Time” and Other Falsehoods I Need to Jot Down in the Next Three Minutes

You’ve heard it said, reassuringly, patronizingly, relentlessly your whole life (or at least you will have by the time you’re my age). “You have plenty of time” they say. Whether it’s your parents comforting you after a rough break up, or the lady taking your order at Bennigan’s, people just want to remind you that you have plenty of time to do whatever it is you need to do, and not to worry.

Well, that’s not entirely true.

Sure, the statistical probability that you and I will wake up tomorrow alive and well is pretty high, but that’s not what people mean when they say you have plenty of time. What they’re actually saying is that they want you to feel comfortable in your present situation, and that, if you want, I can go check on a couple of other tables and check back with you in a few minutes.

The danger there is that thoughtful decision-making can lead to complacency, complacency can lead to stagnation, and stagnation can lead to the Dark Side.

(Wait sorry scratch that last part, there’s just a Star Wars marathon on right now on TBS, like always. They show that series of films so frequently that I thought TBS stood for “Turner Broadcasting StarWars until I was 23. True Story*).

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30 in 30, Day 27: The Five Best Gifts to Get Your Man

Whether the occasion is a birthday, holiday, anniversary, or Jewish high holy day, a constant frustration I hear from many girlfriends/wives is that they’re almost never sure what would be the best gift to get their man. Well fret not, considerate ladies of the world, because I’m here to tell you the five gifts that any man you’re dating will want (so I hope you saved the receipt for that 70th Anniversary Collector’s Edition of Gone with the Wind).
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Han Solo Says: Patrón Tastes Even Better When It’s Free

It’s 7:59pm on a Monday night. Do you know where your Boston Celtics are?

Wherever they are, they certainly weren’t on the court tonight. Because the top seeded, over-60-win Celtics were just beat for the second time in a row by the eighth seed Atlanta “We Hope to Break .500 Someday” Hawks. Mind you these Celtics are the same team that some have hailed as “the greatest team in the league…and possibly NBA history,” (quote courtesy of ESPN writer and Boston-ophile Bill Simmons). I don’t care one way or the other about Boston-area pro sports teams (although I’ll root for Tom Brady any day), but it certainly doesn’t do much to refute talks about how Eastern Conference NBA teams are less-talented than their western counterparts when the supposedly best team in basketball history drops two in a row to the 2,749th-best team in basketball history (right between the ABA’s ‘74 Virginia Squires and some guys from a pickup game in North Dakota in the summer of 1991). However, I can’t be truly unhappy after the Cavs snagged another win from the Washington “Bark > Bite” Wizards on Sunday, and are prepped to close out the series with another one back in Cleveland on Wednesday.

But enough banter, you’re here for the same reason I am: because you love me and you love hearing about me. So with that in mind, here is what you need to know to be in the now. As in, “now go get me some coffee.”

-I’m Not in it for You, Princess. I Expect to Be Well Paid-
I went in for my first day of training the other day, and so far the new job looks like it’s gonna rock. For those of you who didn’t tune in last week, I recently secured a job working for Harrison Ford’s son, Ben Ford at an upscale restaurant in Culver City called Ford’s Filling Station. The people are awesome, the atmosphere is just right, and I really feel a connection with this place. And they bought me a $35 steak for dinner last week. Very cool. I’ll keep you updated as I settle in more and learn the nuances and intricacies of saying complicated phrases like “welcome to Ford’s, how many?” It’s going to be rough.

-Great Kid, Now Don’t Get Cocky-
Had a very busy week, capped off with an equally busy weekend. And it’s looking like this week is going to follow suit. I’m overlapping my last week at UCLA Medical with some training shifts at Ford’s, so that is going to make for one very tired Dustin starting Thursday night. But oh yeah, I just remembered, I’m a baller and I don’t need sleep because I kick ass, so it’s not gonna be a challenge. Whew, good thing I thought of that ahead of time.

-Traveling Through Hyperspace Ain’t Like Dusting Crops, Boy-
I finally got a haircut from a stylist named Rhonda over the weekend (who is as talented at haircutting as she is portly. Which is very, if you didn’t know). I asked her to give me a shorter, more summery haircut than the one I had, and she kind of took that to mean that I wanted something that if I got drafted into the Army tomorrow, I’d fit right in. My hair is short, is what I’m saying. But in her defense, it did feel light and summery when I was on the beach, and I probably won’t need to get it cut again before I visit home and have Irene do it properly.

-So What Do You Think? A Princess Like You and a Guy Like Me-
I saw that movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall with a few people last night, and I must say, it was decent. Which was better than I was expecting. By far the best character in the movie was the self-centered, oblivious British rockstar character. He was more of a second-tier character, but the movie would not have been the same without him. The second best part of the movie was costar Mila Kunis. Longtime fans of That 70’s Show (not I) will probably already know this, but Mila Kunis is really really hot. I don’t know if I never noticed because she’s the voice of the very un-hot Meg on Family Guy, or if I overlooked her because I thought That 70’s Show was an abomination, but the fact of the matter is: she is really really hot. There was a bit too much male nudity for me to give the movie an A+, but that British dude’s performance coupled with the fact that Mila Kunis is really really hot pretty much make the movie worth the price of admission right there. Also, Mila Kunis is really really hot, you guys. Seriously.

-She May Not Look Like Much, But She’s Got it Where it Counts, Kid-
Ok, so this isn’t interesting, but too bad, I’m telling you anyway. On nice, sunny California days, sometimes I like to fire up the ceiling fan in my room to help circulate some air. But for some unknown reason, my ceiling fan doesn’t work. Don’t get me wrong, it turns on, it spins the blades, it even makes all the appropriate ceiling-fan-related noises. But it just doesn’t generate any wind or breeze or cooling sensation at all. I’ve tried reversing the rotation on the fan, in case it was set wrong, I’ve tried it at all the different speed settings, but nothing helps. All my ceiling fan is really good for is taking the all the dust that’s been collecting on it since the 60’s and evenly distributing said dust around the room.

Ok, I’m off to catch a show at The UCB Theater (using acronyms gives me a false sense of superiority), so I’m outie for now. And remember, don’t drink expensive tequila unless someone else is paying for it. Conversely, if you’re a random stranger and you offer to buy me and my friends a round of fancy tequila at the bar to prove what a badass you are, really all you’re doing is spending $85 to have us mock you all night.


We already have a lime tree, now all we need is a tequila tree to go along with it…

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