30 in 30, Day 21: The Best Diet Ever (And Why It Won’t Work)

If you’ve ever turned on a television during America’s holiday season (and for all intents and purposes, it’s right around the corner), you’ve already seen it. The next greatest cure to the shortcomings you never knew you  had, THE best way to get in shape, THE must-have supplement, THE “can’t miss” diet of <insert year here>. Everybody wants to help you lose weight, look great. And as long as you’re willing to shell out a few easy payments of $whatever.99 you’ll have this season’s “it” fix. Atkins. South Beach. P90X. Insanity. Hell, I heard that if you snort a few lines of OxiClean you can drop a couple extra pounds before fruitcake season (people, this is sarcasm, please do no snort OxiClean under any circumstances, then come complaining to me when you’re dead. RIP, Billy Mays). And the worst part is, they’re not wrong. These products/services/plans can get results, and oftentimes DO (I mean, those “after” pictures are coming from somewhere, right?). No, friends, these pitchmen (and women) and their latest wonder-products are not the reason you’re not seeing the results you want. To quote a truly bad Hoobastank lyric (even by Hoobastank standards), the reason is YOU.

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Swearing. Drinking. Christian. An Essay on Double Standards

It is with heavy heart that I have to tell you ahead of time: this post will not be funny.  It will be long (that’s what she said) and it will likely be quite boring (…that’s what she said?) for most of you.

I struggled for the better part of 90 seconds trying to force myself to abandon the topic on my mind and write something purely funny so you guys could have a laugh to cap off your Monday evening. It seems like it’s been forever since I’ve written something on here that was for purely humorous purposes, and I really wanted this post to break the trend. But alas, after the aforementioned thinking, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. So all ye who fear the real, jump ship now and I shan’t hold it against you. That said, I’ll try to still make this a read that’s worth your while…assuming I haven’t bored you to tears already.