World Cup Confidential: Tiebreakers

With one of the tightest group standings in the entire 2014 World Cup, some of the more casual US soccer fans are fuzzy on what, exactly, the FIFA rules are if either the Ghana/Portugal and USA teams should end up with the same number of points after today’s matches.

 

For a refresher, here are the current standings for World Cup Group G (USA’s group):

Current Group G standings as of 6/25/14

What does that mean? Well simply, if the US wins or draws against Germany, we advance to the Round of 16 and all is well.

 

However, if the US loses against Germany AND the Ghana/Portugal match does not end in a draw, then a series of tiebreakers will come into play, per FIFA regulations.

 

Here are the FIFA Tiebreaker Protocols, pulled verbatim from the FIFA regulations guide, in the order they will be implemented if necessary:

1) Total points earned through the course of group play. If that results in a tie, then:
2) Goal differential. If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
3) Total number of goals scored by each team. If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
4) Goal difference in games for each team. If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
5) Goals scored in games between the two tied teams. If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
6) Total goals scored without prancing around the pitch like some kind of douchebag. If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
7) Number of “balls” euphemisms made during the course of the tournament. If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
8) Overall attractiveness of team (including manager) on the traditional ten-point scale. If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
9) Total number of abs on a team. If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
10) Largest dollar amount paid to referees and/or FIFA executive board. If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
11) Overall number of Luis Suarez bites received during group play. If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
12) Number of times God thanked during players’ postgame speeches. If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
13) A round of “One two three NOT IT.” If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
14) An on-the-spot “who wore it better” between any two players from the involved teams who exchanged jerseys after a match. If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
15) Nose goes. If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
16) Number of Landon Donovans on team. If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
17) Number of World Wars won. If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
18) Best of three in Rock/Paper/Scissors. Okay well best of five. Wait I wasn’t ready, best of seven… If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
19) Total number of players on each team that are actually Amanda Bynes just dressed up like a man, secretly hoping to win the affections of one of her teammates. If that ALSO results in a tie, then:
20) …Ah f*** it, just flip a coin.

 

So there you have it…here’s hoping it doesn’t come to any of that. Come on you Yanks!

 

Play on,
Dustin

Artist rendering of what the US victory will look like tomorrow.

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The Friday Five: Five Rules for Choosing Your Karaoke Song

“For this I will lament and wail; I will go stripped and naked; I will make lamentation like the jackals, and cry out like the ostriches.”

…That verse from Micah (chapter one, verse eight) probably marks one of the earliest references to karaoke in the Old Testament (that’s the first half of the Bible, to all you pagans out there). The simple fact of the matter is that at some point in your life, you are going to have to sing (or at least co-sing) a song in some sort of karaoke situation. Oh sure, I’ve heard all the excuses before “I’d never let myself sink that low” “I’m too careful to end up like that” “I’m a good person”, etc. but the fact of the matter is you can either prepare mentally and spiritually for this kind of thing, or you can just live in denial and be caught totally off guard when it happens to you (and trust me, it will). Bachelorette parties, housewarmings, cookouts, bar mitzvahs…technology has progressed in such a way that karaoke can strike anywhere, at any time, and even if you take every precaution available, karaoke will find you. And when it does, karaoke will show no mercy. Luckily, I’m here for you, and if you follow a few simple guidelines, you can survive karaoke as unscathed as possible…and heck, you might even come out of it with a good story to tell.

Five Karaoke Rules that will keep you from ending up like this guy. You’re welcome.                                                     (Note: The National Anthem is not a great karaoke song choice)

Rule 1: Know your level of vocal ability.
I always think this one is a no-brainer, but then every year I see a new set of American Idol promos (I haven’t watched an actual episode of American Idol since the Clay Aiken/Ruben Studdard season, I was too hurt after watching Clay unjustly lose to ever go back…plus those types of shows are pretty played out) where an astoundingly high number of people can’t sing. It’s one thing to be blissfully unaware that you’re singing is off-pitch (shout out to whoever was standing behind me in church this week*, but you do you, homeslice), but there’s a special level of pain I feel for people that are terrible singers and have NO IDEA! Like whoever is the Paula these days will be like “sorry sweetie, you’re no good” and the contestant will be all like “Psh YOU DON’T KNOW MY WORLD SON, I’ma take my voice and go out and make a million dollars without your show! I voted green party!” and then we never hear or see them again, with the sort-of exception of William Hung, who is on national TV about as often as I am (AKA not very). The moral of the story is: it may be painful, but do whatever you have to in order to figure out how good of a singer you are BEFORE you find yourself in front of a group of people at a karaoke bar or a panel of Randy Jackson types.

Five Rules for Dating Dudes

As an eligible, edible, knowledgeable young single man, I’m often approached by eager young women who want to know how to attract and maintain their relationship with “their man.”  Since I’m the sort of generous person who always wants to help others achieve their dreams (and because I need the tax write off), I decided to compile this brief list for all the ladies out there who want to land “their man” and then keep “their man” happily in relationship with them.  So ladies, just follow these guidelines and you and “your man” will be husband and wife before you know it, and then he’ll have to stay with you regardless of unhappy he is, and you won’t have to worry reading dumb articles about how to please “your man.”

Rule #1) Don’t refer to your man as “your man.”  Unlike women — who are used to being objectified through centuries of practice and conditioning — men are fairly new to the concept, and as such find it pretty off-putting.  We like to pretend we’re wild and untamable — as incapable of being contained/controlled as the wind or Kobe Bryant’s sexual advances.  Deluding ourselves into this mental state is a huge part of where our self-worth comes from, and as a female, you’ll have a lot better luck keeping us around if you don’t challenge this frame of mind.  In fact, the strongest/happiest/longest relationships are the ones where the female is so good at keeping the male in his mental illusion of wild freedom and independence that he doesn’t even realize he’s standing around for her, holding her purse while she’s in the bathroom or out on the dance floor.  But that’s a pretty advanced move, best to start with baby steps.