Bible 3!

I was internetting recently and I came across this headline/banner ad:

I have no idea what that link refers to, but at first glance, I interpreted it as a movie/sequel title akin to Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. As in, Bible 3: Whoa! and the article was about some fun moments they had on set. This leads me to my next set of thoughts, in a segment I like to call:

Dustin’s Pitch for Bible 3: Whoa!, a treatment for the threequel Hollywood never knew it didn’t want to make.

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Dustin’s Three to See: January

Don’t get out to the movies as often as, say, a single 29-year-old manchild with an escapism complex? Well don’t fret, I’ve taken all of Hollywood’s shoddy offerings and narrowed them down to the three that won’t make your $20 movie ticket feel like a total waste. I call it Dustin’s Three to See because I am as creative as a kindergartner. As always I keep things as spoiler free as possible.

As any even casual observer of movie culture can tell you, January is a bad month for movies. Generally considered the graveyard of the release calendar, January is where bad movies go to die. After the holidays people usually have less in the budget for activities like moviegoing or tipping their bartender, and as a result, movies that are deemed not as good as movies like Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Witness Protection end up here. Whether it’s rewrites, poor focus group results, or just an overall bad film…if you think of a movie as a toddler, January is the timeout-chair its sent to when it’s misbehaved.

That said, there were still a couple diamonds to be found in the rough of this January, and if you got an AMC giftcard for Christmas like I did, here are the January releases that are worth your while.

Movie 1) — Gangster Squad
Remember a second ago when I said how January is full of mediocre movies? Gangster Squad is not a good movie. However, it’s not a terrible movie, either. And against the rest of the January slate, that makes it…watchable. The awful tragedy in Aurora, Colorado last summer meant that Gangster Squad’s much-publicized scene where the gangsters shoot through a movie theater screen and into the audience instantly became extremely inappropriate, meaning that the newly-infamous scene and the ending of the movie both needed to be rewritten and reshot before the film could be released. Whether it was those drastic post-wrap changes or something else that made Gangster Squad only okay, we’ll never know. But if you like Ryan Gosling (and just a cursory glance at any social media suggests that you do…a lot), flapper-style Emma Stone, and some cool period-accurate visuals, Gangster Squad is worth a go…if only to whet your whistle for when The Great Gatsby comes out.

Hey girl, sorry you couldn’t be in Drive.

30 in 30, Day 19: Celebrity Crush Power-Rankings and Why It’s Not Sexist

As we enter the time of year where friends are drawn near, loved ones are cherished, and family is still taken for granted, just slightly less so, I felt it would be a good time to mix in some good, ol’ fashioned chauvinism and rank my top celebrity  objects  crushes.  Disclaimer: these rankings are totally subjective to me and my personal preferences, and are in no way a reflection of my value of women or relationships as a whole. Considerations include, but are not limited to: attractiveness (both physical attractiveness and whatever sort of mental/personality/emotional attractiveness I assign them based on tv/radio/print or fabricated interviews), career sustainability, drug use (or in particular, the lack thereof), chances that said crush would sleep with me, potential parenting skills, hotness (different from attractiveness), industry cred, proximity in age (sort of), chances that said crush wouldn’t sleep with me, predicted fidelity, and likelihood she won’t randomly go batshit crazy at some point (at least relative to most women, since there’s no such thing as women who don’t have at least some chance of randomly going batshit crazy at some point).