Why Latin is the Best Language

Someone said to me the other day (or maybe today or maybe not at all…honestly does the setup really matter?) that the best language is English. These are the sort of deep-thinker conversationalists with whom I am forced to interact. Then they made the mistake of asking me what I thought the best language was. What a boron!

(Boron is a word I made up that means boring moron — I invented this word by combining the words boring and moron. Boron is also the chemical element of atomic number 5, a nonmetallic solid/metalloid, if you’re ever on Jeopardy)

They’re not dumb for asking that question, they’re dumb for not already knowing the answer! Everybody and their step-brother from Daddy’s first marriage knows that there is only one best language (duh, that’s what “best” means), and that language is: Latin.

What’s that? You aren’t 100% sure that Latin is better than any other language that has ever been invented or will ever be invented (probably by JRR Tolkien or more likely by George RR Martin because Tolkien died in World War I fighting off the Nazis and syphilis)? Well take a second to pull the suppositories out of your ears and the Q-tips out of your ass, because you’re about to absorb something more useful than the Plan B you took with breakfast this morning.

For starters, Latin is a dead language — meaning the Italic Latins and Ancient Roman civilizations that spoke that language went extinct probably ten or more years ago. But hold up, even though native Latin speakers are as extinct as the dodo bird or the commercial market for dodo bird leashes that I invested heavily into in the 90s, people all around the world STILL KNOW AND SPEAK THAT LANGUAGE. That means Latin is actually an undead language, a zombie dialect, and that already makes Latin badass enough to be the main bad guy in the next season of The Walking Dead.

…Why won’t you die already?! What kind of language are you??

 

Advertisement

The Extremism of Moderation

Shalom! (That’s the Hebrew word for “I speak English; my ancestors moved here at least 150 years ago.”)

Tonight (today) I have three topics on my heart, but only have time to comment on one of them, so the other two may have to wait for another time. …Fair warning, I am not particularly qualified to share on any of these three topics, but it’s 2012 and that sort of consideration doesn’t seem to stop anyone else, so there you have it. Welcome to the age we live in. Second warning: these topics are somewhat sad and wrenching (to me, at least), so if you’re tuned in hoping for lighter fare, it might be a good time to scoot on over to Perez Hilton — I hear they’ve found evidence of a Kardashian/Bieber/Downton Abbey super-meme that actually memes for you, while you meme. Meme.

30 in 30, Day 27: The Five Best Gifts to Get Your Man

Whether the occasion is a birthday, holiday, anniversary, or Jewish high holy day, a constant frustration I hear from many girlfriends/wives is that they’re almost never sure what would be the best gift to get their man. Well fret not, considerate ladies of the world, because I’m here to tell you the five gifts that any man you’re dating will want (so I hope you saved the receipt for that 70th Anniversary Collector’s Edition of Gone with the Wind).