Spring is in the air, which means attractive women will be popping out of the woodwork left and right in your everyday life. Now don’t worry, most of these hot girls won’t even notice you, and the ones that do definitely won’t want to interact with you…however, the law of averages says that at some point a cute gal is going to need you for something (like doing her math homework or giving up your place in the movie theater line so her and her friends can see Spring Breakers, etc.), so in order to give you a fighting chance when that situation arises, I’ve written a brief guide to assist you…
The Five Stages of When a Pretty Girl Talks to You:
Stage 1) — Denial
Okay that was weird, that pretty girl accidentally made eye contact with you and didn’t immediately look away and/or point and laugh. Wow crazy now she’s walking over this direction. Quick spot check to make sure that one of her friends isn’t standing behind you. Wait now she’s standing right in front of you, looking at you, there isn’t another one of her friends behind you, and now she’s…talking. To you. …Nah, that can’t be right, I’m just gonna ignore it until she finds whoever she was actually looking for.
You, my friend, are in denial. And it’s a perfectly normal reaction to have when a pretty girl talks to you. The big thing to remember is that even though you aren’t her type — she’s much more in to literally any of the dozens of better looking, better built, better dressed guys in the room — that pretty girls do NOT make mistakes. This is the foundational belief that pretty girls are raised to believe from a very young age, and suggesting anything to the contrary will only disorient and upset them. So if a pretty girl is talking to you, even if it’s by complete accident, you MUST go along with it as if it was their intention the entire time. Remain calm, keep your actions slow and non-threatening, and look directly at the spot between her eyebrows (there’s no way you’re ready for direct eye contact with her at this range, and looking at anything lower than her nose will instantly cause her to label you a “perv,” which is probably accurate, but she doesn’t need to know that).
Stage 2) — Anger
You survived the initial greetings, you’ve overcome your denial enough to respond in short, nervous, one-word answers to anything she says (stick to monosyllabic words until you’re sure you’re not gonna pass out), but now there’s a series of thoughts bubbling up in your mind that you can’t shake; that time you got stood up at the prom because the pretty girl who said yes when you asked her got a better offer, the internship you got skipped over for because the captain of the cheerleaders also applied for it, the 25 minutes you have to wait to get a drink at any bar while the scantily-clad bartender makes a margarita in one of her friends’ mouths. It defies all logic — here you are with a pretty girl talking to you, and all you feel is…anger! Anger for all the wrongs that pretty girls have done to you over the years and all the wrongs they’ll continue to do to you for years to come. Suddenly all you can think about is funneling a lifetime’s worth of rage into one white-hot burst of emotion and making her pay for all the turmoil her kind has caused you by maybe only paying for HALF her drink! Or maybe not laughing at one of her awful jokes! Yeah! That’ll show her! Well slow down there buckaroo, you’re in an emotional place right now, but it’s important to remember that not all pretty girls are the same person. Being mean to the attractive woman talking to you right now won’t make up for getting pants’d in front of the homecoming queen at band camp. Like Yoda says, “…anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering.” And haven’t you suffered enough? (Note: under NO circumstances should you quote Star Wars to the pretty girl talking to you, no matter how relevant or apropos the quote may seem at the time).
Stage 3) — Bargaining
Your anger quelled for the moment, you now find yourself trying to figure out exactly why she is talking to you at all. If previous experience has taught you anything, it’s that pretty girls don’t just initiate conversations with people like you for no reason. That’s what they have the entourage of other attractive people in their group for. Your gut reaction here is to internally inventory the goods, skills or services she could possibly perceive you as possessing, and negotiate their worth relative to the social interaction she’s providing to you. Okay, you think, we’ve been talking for about 280 seconds, so that’s probably worth one domestic beer or well liquor mixed drink. She casually touched my arm a couple minutes ago, that’s about equal to a round of dollar jello shots for the group. If she laughs at more than three of my jokes I may have to hit an ATM. Relax guy, you’re bargaining again, but you shouldn’t. Regardless of whatever dark and evil alignment of the planets made it so that this pretty girl decided to talk to you, you need to realize that in order for her to view you as an equal, you need to view yourself as an equal (this doesn’t actually make you an equal of hers, mind you). Bargaining in any interaction, relationship, or friendship means you will always have a running tally of what is owed by one of you, and it will never break even for either of you, which means you’ll spend all your time calculating who owes what rather than just enjoying the moment. And that’s no way for anyone to live.
Stage 4) — Depression
Well you got past your denial, suppressed your anger, and realized that bargaining is pointless…so now you’re ready to sit back, take a sip of your Piña Colada and enjoy this conversation with a pretty girl…NOPE, just kidding! Right as you get mentally settled into your new social status as “Mister Guy With Whom Pretty Girls Converse” you start to realize the inevitable: something will go wrong. You are going to blow it. It’s not a matter of if, but when. Whether it’s trying to coyly brush her hair behind her ears that results in accidentally spilling your drink down her blouse, or her feeling how your hands are just drenched in sweat when you try to give her a handshake (why were you even trying to shake her hand in the first place?! Who does that??), or even something as simple as knowing you won’t have the balls to ask for her number when she gets ready to leave or any number of other, unforeseen faux pas, you are going to ruin this interaction and ruin it hard. And how does that realization make you feel? Depressed. Just like when you saw that Ewok die in the arms of his brother at the Battle of Endor in Return of the Jedi (dude what did I say about cooling it with the Star Wars references?), your depression is as palpable as the deodorant that’s working overtime to keep you fresh in the presence of this pretty girl. Depression can be as much of a bitch as the last pretty girl that you tried to talk to, but that’s no reason to let it ruin things in the now. Life is full of mistakes, missteps, miscommunications, and misspellings of your favorite comic book characters in popular media (it’s KAL-EL! with a K! from the house of EL! His dad is Jor-El! how hard is that?); but the trick to happiness is not getting to worked up over the really bad parts, and not relying too heavily on the really good parts.
Stage 5) — Acceptance
You did it! You fought through your inner turmoil and outer skin pit-stain issues and now you’re enjoying an actual conversation with a pretty girl. You know that her entire motive for the conversation may just be because she lost a bet with her friends or needs directions to the bathroom, but you’re okay with that. You’ve reached the final stage, acceptance, and it’s such a good feeling that you don’t even care if this pretty girl finds out that you took the city bus to get here or that you have a borderline-encyclopedic knowledge of X-Men codenames. You’re feeling so confident and carefree that you even suggest that if the pretty girl can’t find anyone better looking to makeout with by last call, that she’s welcome to come look you up at your usual spot by the Video-Poker/Erotic-Photo-Hunt touchscreen game. You both know this will never happen, but she’s polite enough to not immediately point that out to your face or throw her drink at you, and buddy, in our book, that’s a win.