I started my twitter four years ago today, to impress a girl. March 12, 2009. Don’t ask me why I know that. Actually ask me why I know that. I know that because for a while, if you went to your profile page on the twitter app for iPhone, it told you what day you joined and I have a photographic memory. Probably. My first tweet was the exceedingly clever and original: “is trying to figure out what the deuce twitter is for…and how it’s different/better than facebook status updates.”
You’re impressed, I can tell. And now here in March 2013 (and 16,567 tweets later), I’m proud to say that I still have no idea how it’s different/better than facebook status updates, but for whatever reason it’s a lot of fun, so I keep at it.
As a treat to myself disguised as a treat to you, I’ve selected some of my favorite tweets from my first year of tweeting, all the way back in 2009, to share here as an twitterversary present. Enjoy them or dis-enjoy them, it’s up to you. And if you feel so inclined, follow me @ocdustino — sometimes I tweet things that are funnier than my first tweet, if only slightly.
The Highlights of 2009, in tweet form:
Oh you know, just sitting next to Alec Baldwin, no big deal. yep, this is LA. — April 26th (the first of literally thousands of the douchier things I’d tweet)
I wonder if my spray-on sunblock will cancel out the effects of my spray-on tan? — May 1st
I don’t care too much for money…which is a good thing since apparently it doesn’t care too much for me, either. — June 1st
Subway lady messed up my sandwich order 6 different times — I didn’t realize the sandwich artists were taking so many artistic liberties these days. — June 4th
sometimes it gets boring making out with hot girls…solution? make out with EVEN HOTTER girls. I should be president of awesome. — June 18th
I left my heart in San Francisco…but I left my genitals in Las Vegas. — June 27th
I’m celebrating 4th of July just like my forefathers did: oppressing minorities and claiming someone else’s land as my own. — July 4th
Colgate commercial: “When your smile isn’t its whitest, it loses power.” …so Colgate is promoting white power now? boycott racist toothpaste. — July 6th
I’m so bored with racism, you guys. can’t we just hate each other for good reasons like being A-holes, illiterate, and poor? or Mormon? — July 9th (this of course kicked off the tradition of mocking Mormons via twitter that later became the hit Broadway musical, The Book of Mormon…no offense, Mormons)
I want to take a class where you learn to play the didgeridoo, just so I can greet everyone else in class with “how do you didgeridoo?” — July 13th
call me old fashioned, but I just don’t understand why women are allowed to vote or drive…I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic. — July 13th
the only difference between a supervillain and a madman is funding. — July 25th
lost a bunch of followers this week…this must be what scientology felt like after Tom Cruise’s membership went public. — July 28th
trying out the new coffee maker. it’s the best part of waking up. that and the erections. — July 31st
I love to heckle referees. as a result, I’ve been kicked out of a lot of Foot Locker shoe stores. — August 20th
new business venture: it’s Dippin’ Dots, Ice Cream of the Past — we sell people cups of melted, coagulated ice cream from a couple years ago. — August 20th
if you’re surfing during Shark Week and you see a camera crew following you, it’s probably a good idea to get out of the water. — August 20th
I’m annoyed by characters in Harry Potter books always incredulously saying “It’s not possible!” You live in magic world, ok? It’s possible. — September 1st
today we celebrate Labor Day, which traditionally happens about nine months after Failed-Contraception Day. — September 7th
Be the change you want to see in the world…unless that change is the genocide of the Jews. — September 10th
this year I wanna celebrate Christmas the old fashioned way: by having my teenage wife give birth in a stable full of animals. — November 2nd
if you have an affair with a married foot doctor, are you having a podia-tryst? — November 12th
fell asleep listening to Fox News, woke up racist. I guess I took a white powernap. — December 18th
need to find a retailer that sells neon yellow moccasins, skinny loincloths and Kanye sunglasses —gonna head over to Native American Apparel. — December 23rd
they say the early bird gets the worm; but I don’t mind showing up late because I never really liked tequila that much in the first place. — December 30th
So there you go, nine months of tweeting boiled down to only the best. Or as I call it: the best way to spend nine months, next to getting pregnant…I’ve never been pregnant, but it seems like a lot of fun what with all the presents and attention and vomiting. What’s not to love?
What are your favorite tweets from four years ago? Leave them in the comments section and I may very well steal them and claim them as my own. Because plagiarism is the American Way.