Bible 3!

I was internetting recently and I came across this headline/banner ad:

Bible 3

I have no idea what that link refers to, but at first glance, I interpreted it as a movie/sequel title akin to Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. As in, Bible 3: Whoa! and the article was about some fun moments they had on set. This leads me to my next set of thoughts, in a segment I like to call:

Dustin’s Pitch for Bible 3: Whoa!, a treatment for the threequel Hollywood never knew it didn’t want to make.

• Henry Cavill plays Jesus. Fresh off rebooting the Superman franchise, why not have him be the new face of Jesus to generation whatever letter we’re on? Playing Superman is basically playing Jesus to comic book nerds anyway, so he’d be well suited (well caped?) to the pressure.

• We CGI a Blossom-era Joey Lawrence (thus the “whoa” in the title) to play Jesus’ street-wise step-brother/sidekick/freeystyle rapper, Joey Lawrence-Christ (his mom remarried after Jesus’ death and took both names). Joey gets into big trouble after conning a group of guys out of some money in a game of Three Card Monte and pick-pocketing a watch. What he doesn’t know is that the guys he just swindled are actually mafia high-ups and the watch was a remote-control device for — you guessed it — a stolen prototype time machine built out of a Segway!

• Now, trapped in time, Jesus and Joey are in a race against the clock (and the mob) to get the stolen diamonds (oh yeah btw there’s stolen diamonds) returned to their rightful owner, gather the evidence the DA needs to prosecute the mobsters responsible, and get Joey back in time for dinner! And don’t forget about the dinosaur that’s terrorizing Manhattan and threatening to blow their cover by making the evening news (oh yeah btw there’s dinosaurs).

• Jesus will need every last bit of his cunning, connections (and maybe even some good ol’ fashioned water-into-wine style miracles) to keep them one step ahead of the mafioso and keep from altering the entire course of time and space.

• With LeVar Burton as God, always upbeat and encouraging…and whose trademark wink and smile seems to convey that he always knows a little more about what’s going on than he’s letting on to our protagonists, and Louis C.K. as The Holy Spirit, who has the unsavory job of trying to keep track of Jesus and Joey as they get into their wacky adventures, all the while giving unsolicited advice that’s ignored as soon as it’s offered. Co-starring Jeff Bridges as the increasingly-frustrated mob boss, and Jesse Eisenberg as his lackey — whose circumstances have put him in the service of the mafia, but can’t hide his heart-of-gold personality shining underneath. And Emma Stone as the scrappy FBI agent trying to prove her abilities, while finding herself growing fonder and fonder of Joey…despite her suspicions that Joey and Jesus know more than they’re letting on; and Helen Mirren as Mother Mary.

• Original music by Hans Zimmer available on the soundtrack, along with the hit single “I Always Find Time for My Pals” by Randy Newman and Norah Jones.

So get ready to see Bible 3: Whoa! …This July, time waits for no deity.

…And block off your calendars in summer 2015 for Bible 4: Hell Breaks Loose.

Play on,

Up for more? Check out my dated post on the 1980 cast of Saturday Night Live, my dated post on The Hurt Locker, and my post of predictions on the 2010 Academy Awards…which is, as you may have assumed, a bit dated.

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