Are some of you 20 years old out there? Nice! Would you be interested in hearing about a show that debuted the year you were born? Well you’re in luck, because I just had a totally original idea to take the 20th of every month to celebrate something from 20 years ago, which is in no way a cheap repurposing of the 10 for 10 gimmick that I came up with along with hundreds of other people.
The year was 1993, electricity had just recently been invented, and with it, came the advent of something called televised-vision (or television, for short). Along with an endless stream of gameshows, talk shows, and soap operas, televised-vision (or television for short (or TV for SUPER short, because acronyms hadn’t been invented yet)) came original, fictional programming.
Nineteen-Ninety-Thrice produced several breakout TV hits in this genre, but the one that was dearest to my heart while simultaneously being the most obscure reference I could make in this post is: Time Trax! What’s that? Never heard of Time Trax?! Well as Mister Rogers would say, “STRAP THE F*** IN, NEIGHBORS, IT’S TIME TO TAKE THE PARTY TROLLEY TO THE LAND OF MAKE-BELIEVE!”
The premise is simple: a future-cop (well, technically a present-day-cop to him) travels 200 years into the past armed with nothing besides a sentient credit-card computer, a car-key-fob laser, and a boatload of mommy issues. His mission? To catch bad guys smart enough to figure out time travel, but not smart enough to evade capture by the lowest-level local authorities of their time. Right. His secondary mission: to not accidentally impregnate a woman from 1993 and have their offspring create a time paradox that would eventually rip the universe in two and end all of creation in one fell swoop. …Okay they never come right out and say that second part, but I’m sure it was covered in his pre-time-travel orientation or a during-time-flight pamphlet or something. Future-lawyers are very thorough.
Why it matters 20 years later: any pitch JJ Abrams has ever made started as an episode of Time Trax (no idea if that statement is accurate), so if you’ve ever enjoyed Lost, the Star Trek reboot, Fringe, Alias or Felicity, you have Time Trax to thank for that enjoyment (okay maybe not Felicity). Tom Cruise’s Minority Report might as well be called “Time Trax: The Movie, With the Exception of The Fact That They Just See the Future So They Don’t Technically Travel Back in Time.” Also, who had the idea for a pocket-sized, voice-controlled computer with a sassy personality? iPhone engineers? Yeah right, the Time Trax writers had them beat by a good 14 years. Plus it’s just a good ol’ fashioned, action-packed romp through the past with a man and his wallet computer — and who can’t relate to that?
Fact: you can bring up Time Trax to any girl at any bar and that girl will immediately go home with you and be your wife. That’s how awesome this show is.
Worried you can’t own this show on DVD? WE GOT YOU, HOMESLICE. YOU CAN OWN THE $#!T OUT OF SEASON ONE AND MAYBE SEASON TWO ALSO BUT I DIDN’T GOOGLE THAT ONE. Order season one for yourself, and then buy 19 extra copies for all your close friends and immediate family. Who’s got two thumbs and finished his Christmas shopping in February? This guy! (That’s you. Assuming you have two thumbs…sorry if this post alienates the thumb-amputee crowd).
Not convinced yet? Well check out some youtube footage and get wise, son…because in the future, NOT liking Time Trax is considered a felony, and don’t think for a second that Darien Lambert won’t march right back into the past and zap your ass off to Future Jail where you’ll be sold amongst the inmates like a piece of future-meat and future-prison-raped (which is essentially the same as the modern-day version).
Until the next time (or maybe the previous time if you’re reading this in the year 2193).
Looking for other posts of mine on time? Well there aren’t many but I dusted this gem off for you, FROM ALL THE WAY BACK IN 2012!!! Read it, and try to imagine what life was like back then.