Today, I purchased a wide variety of items for my personal use. Because the internet is a vast wasteland of useless information and documentation, I’m going to share them with you. And let’s face it, if you had to willpower to resist the useless, you wouldn’t be here in the first place. So here we are, in no particular order…
THINGS I BOUGHT TODAY! (and why).
A videogame (FIFA Soccer 2012 (PS3))
An increasingly-rabid fan of the FIFA Soccer videogames (and soccer in general) since the early 2000’s, I can hands-down say this one is the best of the series to date. All the usual graphical improvements, but with a host of additional refinements that will really please people who love sports as much as they love pretending to play sports.
Hanes Undershits (3 crew, 3 V-neck, 3 tank), Boxers (2-count)
One of the habits I’ve really gotten into recently is wearing underwear, and not pitting out my dress shirts. A variety of Hanes products (endorsed by Michael Jordan AND myself, in that order) keep my collared shirts looking nice. And wearing these boxers keeps me from getting kicked out of malls when I’m using the fitting rooms to try on pants.
A book (The War of Art, Steven Pressfield)
Suggested to me by my buddy Gabe, I picked up this book to round out my current reading list, and quell rumors that all I read are the issues of Cosmopolitan that I steal from my dentist’s office. I’m excited to see how this book will allow me to come up with ideas that are more creative than posting pictures of things I’ve purchased throughout my day.
A Pedal Tuner (Boss, TU-3 Chromatic)
The best chromatic pedal-tuner on the planet, (like a) Boss came up with this design for the TU-3 in the summer of 1891, and hasn’t changed a thing about it since. Buying a new one of these sends the message of, “Hey! I play music on a professional level, and it’s rarely in tune.” Tuning is a solid investment for anyone who is looking to perform live and kill a lot of time between songs in their set.
A BluRay Disc (Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop)
A glitch in the matrix kept me from seeing this documentary on the one night it was in theaters, but now, just like British Parliament, I own Irish people. Or at least one. On the for reals, I get giddy just thinking about this movie, and I wanted to let you know right up front that I won’t be letting any of you A-holes borrow it. At least not until you return my season of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Seriously, I need that back. You can be so flaky sometimes.
A workout bag (Adidas, medium, black)
As much as I like rolling into the gym wearing a backpack like it’s my first day of kindergarten, I felt like it was finally time to purchase a big kid bag. And as part of my elaborate façade to convince people that I’m really Euro and that I don’t totally suck at soccer, I got an Adidas one. It’s black, which should make it nearly impossible to correctly identify if I ever need to pick it up from the baggage claim carousel at the airport. Also, because it was on sale, I bought one size bigger than I probably need, so now I look like I’m walking into the gym carrying a bag of nothing, which as you may have guessed, has done wonders for my street cred. Great find.
A ukulele (Oscar Schmidt, soprano)
Believe it or not, I’ve been meaning to snag a ukulele for a long time. If I’m being honest, I don’t fully understand the appeal they hold for me, but I’m excited to learn the only three songs you’re legally allowed to play on the ukulele: Tonight You Belong to Me (as made famous by Steve Martin in The Jerk), Somewhere Over the Rainbow (as made famouser by that Hawaiian dude whose last name I can’t even guess at spelling, and who may have died recently so I hope this doesn’t come off as disrespectful), and Enter Sandman (by Metallica). My roommate already made a joke about me learning/playing that miserable Train song, Hey Soul Sister. In an unrelated story, I took a dump in his shoes.
Beer (Oktoberfest 1810, Elevator Brewing Company)
Actually my roommate bought this, but I think I drank the most, so I believe technically that bestows ownership upon me. It was good. I’ve always wanted to drink 201-year-old beer before. Take that, Jay-Z.
Food and gas (not pictured)
Some delicious food, and some less-delicious (but still necessary) fuel was purchased today. If my calculations are correct, this gas should give my car the energy it needs to function. Only time will tell. As far as the food, I’ve already digested it and turned it into excrement…which I then deposited in my roommate’s shoe for suggesting that I’d ever willingly play a Train song.
A compact disc (Neighborhoods, Blink182 & Major/Minor, Thrice)
Yes, I still pay for music. Yes, I still buy physical copies of CDs sometimes so I can listen to them in my car. Yes, I still listen to the same music I did in high school. On the for reals though, the Blink CD is good, the Thrice CD is a must-own.
So there you go, gang, if you need ideas for how to waste your money, I hope this inspired you. And let’s not forget, my birthday is just a couple weeks away, so take this list with you to make sure you don’t buy me any duplicate gifts by mistake. Wouldn’t want you to embarrass yourself…I’m really considerate like that.