Whether the occasion is a birthday, holiday, anniversary, or Jewish high holy day, a constant frustration I hear from many girlfriends/wives is that they’re almost never sure what would be the best gift to get their man. Well fret not, considerate ladies of the world, because I’m here to tell you the five gifts that any man you’re dating will want (so I hope you saved the receipt for that 70th Anniversary Collector’s Edition of Gone with the Wind).
One: The rights to the Terminator franchise.
Even if he doesn’t realize it, every man wants to own a piece of the film franchise that defined manhood for a generation. Arnold’s classic broken-English one-liners, female leading characters that were more masculine than some of the male costars, a British actor playing an American action star, liquid metal super-robots, a black guy as a scientist, Claire Danes — this movie series has something for everyone! As sole owner of the rights to this movie franchise and the characters therein, your man could singlehandedly control the fate of the series that made James Cameron and naked time-travel household names. Do you make another terrible sequel like Terminator 3: Rise of the
Apes Machines? Do you do a gritty reboot like Terminator: Salvation? Do you pull a total 180 and head to Pixar to make a 3-D CGI-animated movie called Terminator Inc. or The Terminables? Or do you leave the whole thing on the shelf and never touch it again out of respect, like George Lucas should’ve done with Star Wars? Like George Lucas should’ve done with Indiana Jones. Like George Lucas should’ve done with The Land Before Time. It’s your man’s call, and that’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Two: A professional athlete friend.
At some point, regardless of whether the sport was football, soccer, badminton, competitive ice-dancing, etc., your man wanted to play a sport. By the time he hit 25 years old, put on about 40 extra pounds of beer-weight, and his hairline started retreating like the French National Army in ANY documented war in history, it became apparent that this wasn’t going to happen. Luckily, the next best thing to being a professional athlete is having a friend who’s a professional athlete (and it’s much safer, statistically speaking). Maybe your man could be in Michel Vick’s dogfighting posse, or start writing letters to jailed members of the Cincinnati Bengals, or get a job at an Human Growth Hormone factory to meet some pro baseball players, or maybe add Chris Bosh on facebook — he seems pretty desperate to hang out. Whatever your man’s favorite sport, there is a professional athlete waiting to be friends, and if you facilitate that connection as a gift for your man, he’ll never forget you for it (although if you value your relationship, I probably wouldn’t let your man hang out with Tiger Woods too often).
Three: A day as a rockstar.
I’ll let you in on a secret: your man wants to be cheered for uncontrollably. He wants to have a rabid and faceless fanbase. He wants to be worshipped for doing things that he already does pretty easily. He wants underwear launched at him from strangers. In sum, your man wants to be a rockstar. While it’s unlikely you can get your man signed to a major record deal without any musical talent (unless your man is Chad Kroeger), you can still make him feel like Bono in his everyday life. Instead of his alarm clock, get five of your sorority sisters to join you, and wake him by screaming at the top of your collective lungs whenever his normal alarm clock would’ve gone off. It’s literally a wakeup call he’ll never forget. Hire some groupies to follow him around and ask him to autograph his TPS reports. Make giant cardstock signs and homemade banners for the big presentation he’s giving, and chant and bang on the glass of the conference room like you’re 15-year-olds at a Bieber concert. Chuck your underwear at him when he places his order at the Starbucks counter. The options are limitless, and your man will end his day feeling like the million bucks that Nickelback never should’ve been paid for “How You Remind Me.”
Four: A kidnap/getaway.
This is not a metaphor for you and your man taking a private, island-getaway-style vacation where you can cuddle, eat chocolate-covered-cheese, cuddle, and share your feelings. This is you, hiring a group of untrained thugs off the street, memorizing your man’s daily schedule, following him to his car in a dimly-lit parking lot after work, and ambushing/overpowering him before you beat him unconscious and throw him into the back of an unmarked, windowless van as you speed off into the night. When he comes to, blindfolded and bound in the bathroom of your local Motel 6, you have one of your henchmen pop him once in the eye just to remind him who’s in charge, then demand he tell you where the money is. As his panicked cries of “I don’t know” drift into pain-induced wails for you to put him out of his misery and end his suffering, fake a scenario that gives him the opportunity to escape his captors — as long as you’ve already sufficiently threatened his life and loved ones so that he doesn’t try to identify you (wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise of his special day!). Your man will have a new lease on life, and a newfound appreciation for you and his loved ones — the best gift ever! And you’ll have some fun memories and a knowing wink to give next time he wakes up in a cold sweat. ;)
Five: If all else fails, you can probably just get him a giftcard. Maybe to IHOP.
So there’s your gift-giving solutions, ladies. You can thank me for my advice by getting me a nice bottle of whiskey and a nicer bottle of aspirin.