30 in 30, Day 19: Celebrity Crush Power-Rankings and Why It’s Not Sexist

As we enter the time of year where friends are drawn near, loved ones are cherished, and family is still taken for granted, just slightly less so, I felt it would be a good time to mix in some good, ol’ fashioned chauvinism and rank my top celebrity  objects  crushes.  Disclaimer: these rankings are totally subjective to me and my personal preferences, and are in no way a reflection of my value of women or relationships as a whole. Considerations include, but are not limited to: attractiveness (both physical attractiveness and whatever sort of mental/personality/emotional attractiveness I assign them based on tv/radio/print or fabricated interviews), career sustainability, drug use (or in particular, the lack thereof), chances that said crush would sleep with me, potential parenting skills, hotness (different from attractiveness), industry cred, proximity in age (sort of), chances that said crush wouldn’t sleep with me, predicted fidelity, and likelihood she won’t randomly go batshit crazy at some point (at least relative to most women, since there’s no such thing as women who don’t have at least some chance of randomly going batshit crazy at some point).

That said, here are your Celebrity Crush Power-Rankings as designed by Dustin Heveron (assembled in China):

5 — Mila Kunis.

Pros: First, let’s assume that a “pro” for everyone on this list is that they’re ridiculously, insanely good-looking, approaching a level of attractiveness that would keep you from looking directly at them for fear of forever searing your retinas with their beauty, in the same way one can’t stare directly into the sun. So let’s go ahead and include that statement in the “pros” column for everyone on this list automatically so I don’t have to repeat myself more than I already do. Assuming this level of hotness, the other qualities that bump Mila Kunis into the top-five for my Celeb Crush Power-Rankings (henceforth abbreviated as CCPR) are that she’s an actress that can actually act.  Do I see an Oscar in her immediate future? No. Not unless it’s a PSA spot on Sesame Street. But she has held her own alongside acting powerhouses like Natalie Portman, but also isn’t above doing voices for Family Guy, or a half-baked comedy like Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Cons: She sort of reeks of the “bad girl/party girl” type, and the last thing that sounds like a good time to me is having to babysit someone all night, or be stuck holding back the hair of my dream girl as she voms up her vodka/RedBull in a Los Angeles SpeedWay.

4 — Alison Brie.

Pros: Funny! Female! Gorgeous! I’ll say it again. Funny! Female! Gorgeous! A truly funny comic actress is a rarer occurrence than Chris Brown at a National Coalition Against Domestic Violence rally, but Alison crafts her one-liners on Community as artfully as Don Draper crafts his Old Fashioned. Toss in a career that’s still — ahem — developing, and it’s a pretty hard to imagine a better lady to share a night on the town with, 50s-style (which I believe just means domestic violence was still kosher…maybe Chris Brown would’ve fit in a little better back then).
Cons: Sort of a boring twitterer (“Hello Kettle, it’s me, Pot.”). Took a role in Scream 4, a horror movie whose plot is centered around a group of people who are trapped in a hell where they have to make the same awful movie, over and over again.

3 — Dianna Agron.

Pros: Has the most natural-looking attractiveness out of the bunch, and exudes the sort of bygone-era glamour that would’ve made Marilyn Monroe look like some druggie in her late 30s (…too soon?). Based on absolutely nothing but the sort of hunch I get from things I’ve seen her in, I think she’d be pretty down-to-earth, and a lot more humble than the others. Almost like a girl who grew up not knowing she was a total knockout, and is all the better for it because it means she actually developed a personality and wasn’t just told that she was perfect her whole life. I could be way off. I usually am. Also she can probably sing a little. And while I don’t trust the auto-tune machine of popular studio recordings, signs seem to show that most of the Glee cast’s talent is based in actual ability, rather than an iMac’s hard drive.
Cons: Associated with Glee. Also seems like she might be a little too straightforward/overdramatic to enjoy/tolerate my wacky ways on a regular basis.

2 — Cerie on 30 Rock.

Pros: As a favor to the four people actually reading this, I googled Cerie’s name, and it’s Katrina Bowden. I’m currently in the process of having it tattooed on my ass, so that way if I ever run into her by accident I’ll have a good conversation starter (assuming that “by accident” you mean “violating court orders”). I’ve been told quite often that I don’t have “a type” when it comes to women, and while I largely agree with that, if I did have a type, Katrina probably comes closest to depicting it. At 23, her age means that I have a better chance at meeting her and hooking something up before she settles down and marries someone who’s actually in her league (that is to say having a one-in-a-million chance is technically better than having a one-in-a-trillion chance).
Cons: Probably the highest-ranked girl but with the most cons (which in and of itself is probably a con), she seems like she’s got a bad case of the “I’m hot and I know it. And so does everyone else. This inherently makes me better than all of you” sort of vibe. And while she’s probably not wrong, it’s still off-putting. She seems like she’d be a terrible mom, if she’s planning on having kids at all (hard to determine, since she won’t return my texts). Also, if I’m being total honest, her career is in the dumper, entertainment industry-wise. No steady modeling gigs, a super-part-time role on 30 Rock, and nothing else really noteworthy in the works, she’s a couple more years and one botched “enhancement” surgery away from showing up for the same low-tier auditions I usually have…so wait, maybe I should move this item to the “pros” category. Maybe we can take an acting class together!

1 — Rachel Bilson.

Pros: Sure, she’s a total babezilla, but what makes it all the more impressive is how long her reign as Queen of the Shawties has been. She’s been dropping jaws (among other things) since before The OC was just a punch line (we’re talking minimum ten years ago, mind you), and has stayed successful despite making movies alongside Hayden Christensen (the man who made a seven-foot-tall black scuba mask look like a good actor by comparison). So she’s got drive, she’s got the looks, and she’s got the top spot on my list of Celeb Super-Crushes (which is the most important of those to her, I’m certain). She seems like the ideal of hot-meets-fun-meets-smart-meets-grounded-meets-pleasemakeoutwithme. Whoops, sorry, lost focus there for a second. But yeah, she’s cool. Trust me.
Cons: I might star in a major motion picture that doesn’t lose money before she does. Not a great career-indicator. Also, a couple years older than me, which means we’ll potentially have to have the biological clock conversation before I have a chance to brag to every single person on the planet that I hooked up with Rachel Bilson. Also, deep down I’d feel like I was making her cheat on Adam Brody. Just kidding that wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.

So there you have it, the latest edition of the CCPR as told by this guy. On the practically-statistically-impossible chance any of these ever happen, you all owe me a hundred dollars. Each. Just because. Oh and if you were actually waiting for an explanation from me about how a list that totally objectifies — then ranks — women I’ve never met before and only have minimal knowledge of aside from their physical attributes is somehow not completely sexist, then you are probably reading the wrong blog.


PS Wanted to give an Honorable Mention to a few lovely ladies who didn’t make the cut this time, or were booted from the list recently (hey, it happens) along with an one-liner explanation for their absence.

Alexis Bledel — A longtime staple of the CCPR, I saw her on Conan a while back looking weirdly tan, and with a bit of a lisp that wasn’t there before, and she seemed almost unhealthily thin. Sorry Rory, nothing personal.

Sarah Hyland — Better known as the spoiled daughter from Modern Family, Sarah is incredibly cute, but a bit too young to handle the pressures associated with Dustin’s CCPR (despite being 21 going on 22 years old, I can still see taking a lot of flack for including her).

Olivia Wilde — Tron made me an Olivia believer, but there are times where she just seems a little too…I don’t know, perfect, looks-wise? I know that makes no sense given the premise for the list, but she’s almost inhumanly good-looking, and that’s a weird sort of turn off.

Kristen Kreuk — Another founding member of the CCPR, Kristen is still hot, but years without legit work (not counting the Chun-Li movie because, honestly, who would?) dropped her off the best of the best. Hopefully she’ll be back some day.

Carey Mulligan — British accent plus being a very girl-next-door sort of cute make her a frontrunner for future lists, but I haven’t seen enough of her work to determine if she’s über-crush worthy.

Alex Morgan — Easily the hottest member of the US Women’s National soccer team, I can’t fully tell if she’s really THAT hot, or if she just seems hotter because she’s usually surrounded by less-attractive people and she shares one of my major interests. Ask me again in a few years.

Emma Stone — Seems almost too obvious of a choice, like the indie band you liked but then bailed on once they went mainstream (I’ve always hated people like that, by the way). Ask me again after the new Spiderman movie comes out.

Keely Hazel — Incredibly hot, incredibly British, she’d be on the list if I knew anything — literally, anything — about her aside from the first two facts I just mentioned. If she ever stars in a Transformers movie, she might be on the list forever. Hooray accents.

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