For those of you who don’t follow my twitter (huge faux pas on your part, by the way), you probably don’t know that my computer has been suffering through a pretty serious…something…the past week or so. In Mac’s defense, this is the first major issue it’s had in almost three years of use, and thanks to the beauty of the AppleCare program, I can send it in to be fixed for free. However, a questionably-functioning computer means fewer blogs than I prefer to put up. And it’ll likely be another week or so before I get my MacbookPro back and in blogging condition. So as a thanks to the four of you who read this thing, here’s a bonus post to tide you over while I send it off, and I’ll see you in a week-ish.
I know a lot of you are interested in being as cool as I am. Clearly this is the sort of thing that takes years — if not decades — to master, but an easy way to get started is by improving your brocabulary. If you’re unfamiliar with that term, your brocabulary is the section of your vocabulary that you use to communicate with and build your friend base. Mostly it consists of putting the prefix “bro” on top of normal words you’d use. Here’s a list of a few of my favorites, along with their definitions, but feel free to come up with your own and submit them for my scrutiny here. Who knows, if you’re creative and lucky enough, you may just find yourself in the Bro Hall of Fame (aka any bathroom in any frat house in America and parts of Mexico/Canada).
Brotacular: adj; awesome, but in a very dude sort of way, as in “Dude, the three-story beer bong at that frat house was totally brotacular.”
Bropinion: noun; your bro’s belief (his brolief?) about something bro-related, as in “What’s your bropinion on Shawn Merriman beating up Tila Tequila? I thought it was totally brotacular.”
Brohemian Rhapsody: noun; the Wayne’s World movie’s arrangement of the popular Queen song, performed live by everyone bro in the room whenever it comes on — with no more than 60% of the correct lyrics sung, and everyone at least a half note flat on the high note in the bridge (for meeeeeee) before busting into the simultaneous guitar solo. “Dude, you totally wailed on Brohemian Rhapsody at that bar last night, I can’t believe they kicked you out just for puking during the solo!”
Brotocol: noun; the proper brocedure for behaving in the most appropriate bro way in a given situation, as in “What’s the proper brotocol for making out with your best friend’s ex? Do I need to wait longer than a week after they’ve broken up?”
Brolific: adj; producing something bro-worthy in great abundance, as in “Brah, the number of dudes we brought to the tailgate was truly brolific.”
Brologue: noun; the history or preamble as it relates to two or more bros, as in “Dude, before you make any jokes at this poker game tonight, you should know that K-Dawg, The Chadster, and Hambone all got into a pretty big fight last week over whether Steve Nash is a better basketball player than Rick Nash is a a hockey player, so steer clear of that subject.” “Cool, thanks for the brologue, brah.”
Bromission: noun; withholding information (whether accidentally or on purpose) on a bro-related topic, as in “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me Calvin Johnson was hurt before you traded him to me in our fantasy football league, that is an unforgivable bromission.”
Brohavior: noun; how a bro carries himself at sporting events and bars, i.e. “hey man, your brohavior was pretty sketch last night…you really gotta stop peeing in public.” *Note: “brohavior” shouldn’t be confused with the less-used phrase, “bro, Javier” as in, “Hey guys, have you met my bro, Javier Bardem. He’s totally legit.”
Brobituary: noun; a listing of former bros who have gone into the great and unfathomable abyss known as marriage. Although some bros continue to retain some of their bro-past even into marriage, it’s never quite the same, and an entry into the brobituary is a way for bros to remember the good times. “Did you hear that Fullenator got engaged? Looks like we’ve got another entry for the brobituary coming up.”
Brolympics: noun; the Brolympics are the trifecta of things that all bros pursue on any given weekend: chicks, beer, and watching/playing sports (not necessarily in that order). Successfully attaining all four in a single weekend is a bronze medal (a brah-nze medal, to be specific), doing all of them well (getting a hot chick vs. any chick; watching good sports vs. baseball; drinking Guinness vs. Bud Light; playing football vs. badminton at a cookout) is a silver medal, and doing all of them well AND in a single day/night is a gold medal (waking up early to play football on a Saturday, then tailgating by watching football while drinking good beer, then going out after and ending up with a chick who is hotter than an 8 on the 10-point scale). “Brah, but you look terrible…what happened?” “Dude, I took a gold medal at the Brolympics yesterday, but I’m paying the price today.”
Bropponent: noun; a natural rival in your circle of friends, this is the dude who you probably wouldn’t call to hang out with one-on-one, but you can’t seem to ditch him because he’s friends with all the rest of your friends. So what’s the brotocol in this situation? You just make nice and bide your time, meanwhile you wait for any competitive opportunity to present itself — billiards, MarioKart, alcohol-consumption, women, etc. — and then you go toe-to-toe to passively aggressively try and prove which of you is the cooler bro. “You missed all of pregaming with us because you wouldn’t stop playing Halo 3 against Crazy Carl, what the hell, man?” “Sorry dude, I just had to stick it to him — that guy’s my bropponent.”
Brovaries: noun; the dangly part of the male anatomy where kids are produced, and the first place women instinctively want to kick you when they’re angry — although they’re primarily used for teabagging by most bros, research suggests that once a bro gets married, they are somehow magically converted into testicles. “Yo man, I noticed you were a little slow getting up from that last pass, you ok?” “Sorry brah, that basketball caught me in the brovaries pretty hard, so I needed a few extra seconds to recover.”
Obviously I could go on like this for days, but you get the idea. Now if you want clarification on when to use the word “bro” vs. the word “brah,” you should check out some of my older posts where I define what a brah is, and the brahper way to brohave while at the gym, etc. The biggest rule is to pay attention when adding to your own brocabulary, and know when to use bro instead of brah as a prefix. For instance, someone who’s less cool than you getting you a beer at a party when you tell them to is being brobedient; whereas someone who has a job that requires very little skill but a lot of false enthusiasm has a brahcupation (like being a Bud Light salesman).
As I said at the outset, there’s a lot more to being as incredibly cool as I am than just this, but practicing and expanding your brocabulary is a great way to get started down the path to coolness, and should give you plenty of homework to complete while my MacBaook is on its vacation in Cupertino, CA.
Thanks for a great birthday weekend, everyone — and remember, if someone doesn’t vibe with you, don’t sweat it because there’s always more fish in the brocean.