As an eligible, edible, knowledgeable young single man, I’m often approached by eager young women who want to know how to attract and maintain their relationship with “their man.” Since I’m the sort of generous person who always wants to help others achieve their dreams (and because I need the tax write off), I decided to compile this brief list for all the ladies out there who want to land “their man” and then keep “their man” happily in relationship with them. So ladies, just follow these guidelines and you and “your man” will be husband and wife before you know it, and then he’ll have to stay with you regardless of unhappy he is, and you won’t have to worry reading dumb articles about how to please “your man.”
Rule #1) Don’t refer to your man as “your man.” Unlike women — who are used to being objectified through centuries of practice and conditioning — men are fairly new to the concept, and as such find it pretty off-putting. We like to pretend we’re wild and untamable — as incapable of being contained/controlled as the wind or Kobe Bryant’s sexual advances. Deluding ourselves into this mental state is a huge part of where our self-worth comes from, and as a female, you’ll have a lot better luck keeping us around if you don’t challenge this frame of mind. In fact, the strongest/happiest/longest relationships are the ones where the female is so good at keeping the male in his mental illusion of wild freedom and independence that he doesn’t even realize he’s standing around for her, holding her purse while she’s in the bathroom or out on the dance floor. But that’s a pretty advanced move, best to start with baby steps.
Rule #2) Leave sports alone. This rule doesn’t necessarily apply exclusively to sports, but rather that one special hobby or interest that your man has that he obsesses over more than any of the others. For most guys this tends to be sports related (whether it’s watching the game, watching ALL the games, playing pickup sports, playing fantasy sports, getting blackout drunk at a Triple-A baseball game and calling it fandom…or all of the above), but it could be anything at all…however if his special hobby is something like garish broadway musicals of the early 1900’s (I’m looking at you, Porgy & Bess), watercolor abstracts, or needlepoint, then you might be destined for the kind of breakup that no set of guidelines can prevent. But I digress. The biggest mistake girls make with this one is assuming that guys WANT you to learn all about their sports loves — their team, all the rules, the intricacies of the strategic elements, etc. — when really the case is that we just want you to leave well enough alone and let us enjoy them. I’m not saying it’s uncool when a girl knows sports, or can keep up with you in a conversation about your fantasy teams, I’m just saying that if you need to feign interest or ask more than three questions about the rules in one sitting, then it’s probably best if you just check in at halftime and postgame.
Rule #3) The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…as long as your cooking doesn’t suck. This is another one girls tend to just get half right, then misinterpret the rest. Women tend to assume that a guy wants a girl who will cook, and terrible romantic comedies starring any combination of Renee Zellweger, Hugh Grant, Julia Roberts, Matthew McCaughnohey (no idea how to spell that), have shown many a scene where the girl puts herself through monumental effort to prepare a meal for a guy — usually destroying her kitchen and/or her pets in the process — but then gets it ready just in the nick of time; they enjoy dining together, she says “oh, it was nothing,” they laugh, fall in love and a sequel is immediately greenlit. However, the real life version of this is that men do love great cooking…but we could care less where it comes from. If a girl makes a great meal, terrific; if that same great meal comes from P.F. Chang’s to-go in half the time, even better. So play to your strengths, ladies. If you really feel you can produce a quality meal in a reasonable amount of time, then by all means go for it, but don’t sweat it if you can’t — just be ready to go halfsies at Olive Garden every now and again. And if you do decide to cook, for the love of Pete, please keep your kitchen window closed while you’re boiling that stew if you know the neighbor’s cat is out and about.
Rule #4) Trying to make someone jealous rarely ever works. Another classic myth that somehow gets spread through generations of females like herpes at a Kentucky High School prom, girls always seem to think that if a man isn’t showing enough interest you, the best solution is to find another man and flirt with him (preferably his rival or arch-nemesis, if he has one). Nine times out of seven, what this actually does is make the man view you as a bit of a slut — the kind of girl who’s likely to cheat on him — and avoid/ignore you. If the man in question is already your boyfriend, then it’ll probably just piss him off and he will makeout with your younger sister and/or best friend. Oh, and it should be noted that your boyfriend almost always wants to makeout with your younger sister and/or best friend. Try to just accept this knowledge and use it to your advantage instead of pretending that it can’t possibly be true — it will allow you to better plan preventative measures should the need arise.
Rule #5) Use your illusion. Guys are dumb, shallow, and visual. This deadly combination means that we genuinely believe ridiculous things that include (but aren’t limited to): girls don’t fart or have body odor, girls don’t grow hair where they don’t want to, and that girls are the exception to “everybody poops” rule (I’ve bought into this one so hardcore that I can’t even make myself write it out). Don’t even get me started on periods or pregnancy, those are only mythological creatures that health teachers make up to scare us. This could all work to girls’ advantage if they kept up the charade, but girls seem to think that frequently speaking in graphic detail about all of these things will “bond them with their man” or allow them to share an understanding with each other. What it actually does is gross us out. And if there’s one adjective that you don’t want your man using to describe you to his buddies, it’s “gross.”
Well ladies, that’s all the help you get for now, you can thank me later. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go convince myself that I’m single by choice and not as a result of glaring personality flaws or lack of muscle/money.