Today’s Top Ten Twilight Teachings

I have read the entire Twilight series. I even saw the movie. In theaters. For the most part, I chalked these activities up to the duties of being an elder brother to my high-school-aged sister, however I’ve since realized that Twilight and its subsequent books have valuable lessons to teach all of us, not just the Pattison-crazed teenagers. Since most of you are dense and unenlightened, I will spell out these important teachings for you now…because like I just mentioned, you are too slow-witted to figure them out on your own (I had to say it again because you probably forgot why I was telling in the first place — that’s how moronic you are).

On an unrelated note, I just read someplace that belittling other people improves your self-esteem and helps you lose weight — all while putting on valuable muscle, so I’m trying that out. At least I think that’s what it said. I only read at a third-grade level, so I’m not really sure. But I digress (anyone know what that word means?!).

Today’s Top Ten Twilight Teachings (and every day’s — I don’t think this will be an ongoing thing, I just wanted to add to the alliteration by throwing “today’s” in front).

1) You are only as young as you feel. And look. Subsequently, you are only bound by rules and laws that apply to however old you feel/look. For example, I used to think it was illegal to date 17-year-olds if you were older than 18. However, thanks to Twilight, I now know that it’s NOT illegal to date 17-year-olds as long as you look 17 or act 17 or are in high school! Even if you’re 18! Even if you’re 20! Even if you’re an undead creature with no soul pushing 90-something! It’s all good in the hood as long as you still resemble that picture on your temp driver’s license.

2) Immortals are sharp dressers. It’s a rule that the older you get, the better dresser you are, and the cooler you become in general. Observe our society: whom do we turn to when we need to know the next hot fashion trend or a when we need a guide to this season’s “in” look? The elderly, duh! So it stands to reason that if someone lived for centuries ad nauseam, that they would just endlessly adapt to current trends and fashions and gadgets — just like all octogenarians do as they age. Whoops, I lost track of time, I need to run to the local senior citizen center so I can get a sneak peak at 2010’s hot looks.

3) Vampires love baseball. Well not baseball in general, just the Cubs. Mostly because frozen-in-time vampires from the 1800’s are the only people still around who remember the last time the Cubs won a world series.

4) Vampires aren’t affected by girls on their periods. Even intrinsic, demonic bloodlust has its limits. …Yeah, I even grossed myself out on that one, so I’m just gonna go ahead and stop that one there.

5) Vampires can’t ever be seen in the sunlight because it would blow their cover. Unless they need to plan an impromptu trip to Phoenix in the spring just to get away from it all. All vampires look like they’re covered with a million tiny diamonds that glisten and flicker and shine when they’re exposed to direct sunlight, so the only time they’re allowed someplace sunny is when they just really, really need to go to Phoenix for a few days. Or if they’re attending an outdoor Bette Midler concert, since most of her fans would be covered in sparkly sequins anyway, and they’d fit right in.

6) Stephanie Meyer isn’t a very good writer. Good come-up-with-a-story-person, but not really much for prose. Next time, pay a ghostwriter. Or an editor who will cut out about 450 pages’ worth of “he’s so dreamy, he can’t possibly love me…even though he says he does. Oh, I’m so insecure!” inner-monologues over the course of the series.

7) Vampires are anorexic and/or bulimic. Eating disorders are real and serious, not just some imaginary teen fiction fare like Italian vampire regimes and the swine flu. All through Twilight, we see that the vampires don’t let themselves eat human food, just so they can maintain the ridiculous standards of vampire attractiveness forced upon them by the liberal vampire media and its unhealthily-pale, malnourished and sickly models. And when they do eat, they just puke the human food back up later. Not cool. My personal philosophy is that everyone should eat what they want, when they want, as often as they want. If you’re worried about getting out of shape because of it, just go exercise a reasonable amount. I thought vampires would’ve figured out something that simple by now.

8) Vampires can only spend money on gifts. Over the centuries, the Cullen family has accumulated a vast amount of wealth and untold treasures. But just like their curse of not being able to wear any clothing that isn’t a shade of white/gray, vampires can only spend their money on gifts for each other, or other people. For instance there’s a car this one girl vampire really, really wants for most of the books, but instead of tapping into her family’s vast riches and buying it for herself like an adult, she’s forced to wait until one of her adopted siblings buys it for her. Mo’ money, mo’ problems. Even in vampire world.

9) It’s totally cool to sneak into a random girl’s bedroom and watch her sleep all night — as long as you don’t get caught and you can’t read her thoughts. I always thought this was a felony, but it turns out it’s actually just a really good way to get to know your crush. Personally I prefer social-network stalking (have you updated your facebook or twitter or blog or linkedin in the past sixty seconds? I have!), but Twilight taught me that if you have a crush on someone and you really like them, then it’s much quicker to watch them sleep at night. All night. Every night. Just imagine how much you’ll have to talk about when you finally get introduced! It’s more informative than an eharmony profile, and way less expensive!

10) The best way to handle a rough breakup is to fall into a coma, or to pursue near-suicidal hobbies. Nothing says “hey young female readers who are still trying to figure out how to cope with life, this is the example you should follow” more than having your female lead completely go mental after her first real breakup. The specific way to carry out this technique — known as the “Meyer Method” in most psychiatric wards across the country — is to first dive headfirst into a sort of living coma where you neglect all your family, friends and loved ones and basically just shut out the entire world while you cling desperately to the shattered remains of a high school relationship that lasted less than a year. You’ll know you’re doing step one properly when you can’t remember entire chunks of your life, food has no taste, the world has no colors, and you go for months on end without smiling or engaging in a full conversation with another human. The second part of this can’t-miss reconciliation technique is to regularly put yourself in any and all life-threatening situations you can think of, in the hopes that you can have an imaginary conversation with your ex-boyfriend for a few fleeting moments as the byproduct of your broken and shattered psyche. This is particularly effective if you’re a somewhat frail and uncoordinated teenage girl, as it’s easier to create potentially deadly situations out of everyday circumstances. Base jumping, Russian roulette, unprotected sex with someone carrying the AIDS virus — anything goes as long as it results in your battered mind producing some sham interaction with your former high school fling.

Welp, that’s all the knowledge I’m legally allowed to share with you at this point — and I’ll tell you what, if there’s one thing I can’t call Stephanie Meyer out for, it’s being long-winded. Because good Lord, I certainly take the cake on that one.

Ok kids, the Heat are up by 31, forcing the second most interesting game seven of the first round of NBA playoffs, so I’ma run to the gym and share my vast knowledge of teen vampire drama and pointless NBA stats with all the women who are about to shut me down. It should be a good night.

Peace, love, and rock!

“Well you certainly don’t FEEL 17 when I hold you like this. You feel more like 19 or 20. That probably makes it ok.”

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