Twitter?! I Don’t Even KNOW Her!

Somehow the weeks pass and I feel as if I’ve accomplished nothing, yet somehow was too busy to call friends, visit with locals, write on this thing, or generally accomplish anything productive. How is it possible? Two words, compounded into one word:


I just got done musing with a friend about how we ever got along without facebook, and after conversing for a bit, realized the simple truth: we didn’t. Oh sure, we all walked and talked and went through the motions, but none of us really lived till we’d received facebook. And just I was about to suggest that we add “Thou shalt join facebook at exactly age 12” to the Bible’s 10 Commandments (we can probably do away with that one about coveting your neighbor’s manservant, maidservant and donkey, right? …What do you mean that one still applies to other possessions? Oh, I get it. Clever, God. Very clever.) my friend pointed out how incredibly thankful she was that there weren’t facebook pictures of her from middle/high school. And just like that, the memories all came flooding back to me. The hair. The fashions. The braces. The erections. All of it would’ve been documented and cemented in my own personalized hell, complete with streaming wall-feed and the option to poke. Since I totally blocked out the entirety of my memories from age 11 until about three weeks ago, I completely forgot that if facebook had been around when I’d been in middle/high school, that there would be PICTURES of me from middle/high school freely available on the internet to anyone who had a modem and a fetish for lanky 90-pound boys from Ohio. Shudder. So in retrospect, it seems as though it was a good thing that facebook didn’t arrive until the mid-collegiate stage of my life so that way I won’t be fully embarrassed about those pictures until my kids are old enough to have their own facebooks and then ask me, “Dad, why are there so many pictures of you with women who aren’t Mommy? And why are you drinking that apple juice out of a funnel attached to a plastic tube?” To which I will reply, “You’re grounded. Now go search for pictures of your mother from Halloween ’05. I bet you didn’t know she was a Nursing major for a night.” So to all you young whippersnappers who are gleefully surfing the pages of facebook right this second, IM-ing your friends, tagging pictures, and bumper-stickering each other’s walls: enjoy it while you can. Because someday you’ll be called in to your boss’ office so you can explain to him and your coworkers that Twilight dress-up parties were actually really cool back in the day. No sir, I’ll never fall into the trap of overly-loving technology ever again.

Now twitter on the other hand, what harm could possibly come from that? Oo, a new notification! Apparently stalkerchica25obsession is following me now on twitter! I’ll bet she’s a nice, harmless gal…

Until my next post (which will most likely be from some psycho-chick’s basement, tied up), cheers.

P.S. Twitter Dustin! Do it!


2 thoughts on “Twitter?! I Don’t Even KNOW Her!

  1. Travis says:

    Dare I begin to make corrections to your misuse of commas, omission of words and general run-on sentences?

    Negative. For the blogosphere needs no such formality. D*ck.

    “It’s semantics” … On the day/blog announcing our engagement no less. I’ll say it so the rest of the world doesn’t have to: What an ass.

  2. Colin Rigsby says:

    It is quite the phenomenon…. Twilight, that is.
    But also Facebook. And Twitter. I revere both these marvels as much as I loath and fear them, and try to be as minimally involved from a maximum distance.
    Now, I can only imagine what my highschool time would’ve been like had I a cellphone w/texting capabilities. Ahh the possibilities. That is the topic for your next blog D.

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