Who Cares About ’08: July, Aug, Sept

Part 3 of 4 in my look back at the year that was 1908. The year 2008? That’s so yesterday. 1908 is the new black.

1908 Year in Review:
July:
1 – “Damn, I’m late for work” is yelled approximately 75,374,081 times at various housewives around the nation, as if it was their fault. In an unrelated story, 75,374,081 housewives mysteriously developed a headache late that night, right about the time their spouses attempted to initiate coitus.
3 –Major Ahmed Niyazi, with 200 followers, begins an open revolution by defecting from the 3rd Army Corps in Macedonia, decamping into the hill country. The “Niyazi’s” as they were known, would spend the rest of their campaign futilely explaining to people across the globe how they were “different and totally unaffiliated with those douchebags from Germany.”
4 – Fireworks Store senses danger, hops into a nearby telephone booth, removes glasses, and emerges as Fireworks Superstore.
6 – Robert Peary sets sail for the North Pole, only to find “Freddie wuz here” written all over it in sharpie.


The North Pole: Cool weather, cheap haircuts.

August:
24 – After an intense power struggle, Sultan Abd al-Aziz IV of Morocco is deposed, and is succeeded by his brother Abd al-Hafiz. Onlookers knew the battle was over once the elder brother finally got his sibling in a headlock and administered the “Royal Noogie of Deposition.”


This is actually a preferable alternative to the “Political Revolution Wedgie” often used in South America.

September:
8 – The Danish minister of Justice, Peter Adler Alberti, is revealed to be an embezzler — but only after Shaggy and Fred made their incorrect guesses as to who The Embezzler was beforehand.
17 – In Ft. Myer, Virginia, Thomas Selfridge becomes the first person to die in an airplane crash. Thomas would exact his revenge on the pilot, Orville Wright, by forever cursing all who flew to sit through the monotonously boring “stewardesses’ safety brochure speech” before they were allowed to take off.
27 – Henry Ford produces his first Model T automobile. Moments later, Ford invents the first pair of fuzzy dice.


Henry & Mrs. Ford at the first and last themed Christmas party they’d be invited to.

Not bored yet? Then come back tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion to the best of 1908! It’ll be more fun than the bubonic plague!

Much love,
Dustin

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