I see you there. Staring at me from across a crowded room. Giving me that sexy look as you twirl your hair and playfully chug your 22-ounce glass of Guinness. Oh yeah, you want me. You motion for me to come over and buy you a drink. I shrug my shoulders and despondently turn my pants pockets inside-out — the universal sign for “I’m poor” — and then point back at you suggesting that you should buy this round. You laugh because you think I’m joking and being coy; I laugh because I know there’s only $3.98 in my checking account and a Los Angeles bar charges $15 for a long island. When you bring over my beverage and start to talk with me, you immediately become enamored with my wit, charm, muscular physique, rugged good looks and humility. I’m attracted to all the cute little things you do when you’re near me like slurring your speech (probably because you’re nervous about impressing me) and coughing up spurts of saliva on my sleeve after we do a shot. It’s adorable. But alas, just as things seem to be going so well, everything screeches to a halt. Why? Because you, like so many women before you, have committed a dealbreaker. And just like the dozens of denizens who have tried to win my heart over the years and failed, your chance has passed. If you’re one of the lucky ones who are still biding your time before you hit on me, here’s an abbreviated list of things to NOT do/have/be if you’d like to be considered for my affections:
Gauges should be saved for describing shotguns and the dashboard of your car; I’ve never seen a girl walk by and thought to myself, “my, she’d be so much prettier if she had earholes big enough to squeeze a PVC pipe through.” If you need to rebel against corporate America or your parents that badly, why don’t you just a get a tattoo or date a minority like everyone else does.
Bad fashion sense.
I know it might feel weird to be judged about how you dress by someone who regularly wears flame-streaked Cons and a Jewel Concert t-shirt with jeans that are about five sizes too small, but that’s just how it is. Your best bet is just to try to be you and dress like yourself. Unless yourself is someone I don’t like. Then you’re hosed.
I’m tall, and while I have nothing against short people (some of my best friends are hovering right around or below 5’), I prefer someone who can at least look me in the eye when they’re glaring at me for making another one of my hilarious sexist jokes.
If you’re taller than me and we’re dating, I probably wouldn’t be able to focus on the relationship since I’d be constantly worried about getting you back to the circus on time before the ringmaster realizes you’re gone.
Exceptions include Rachel Bilson, Alexis Bledel, Mila Kunis and a small handful of others. Ironically enough, actresses tend to be too much drama in a relationship. No one needs to see you make a scene when I break up with you in the non-smoking section of a Denny’s. Save it for the monologue.
Look at Demi Moore: years of critical and financial success, then she does one movie where she shaves her head, and all she’s really had since is a co-starring role in The Hunchback of Norte Dame 2 (straight to DVD) and Ashton Kutcher (who is probably only dating her as part of a giant prank for Punk’d). Now you might say to me, “But Dustin, isn’t all that a bit superficial?” And the answer is yes, yes it is.
Sometimes this one can be hard to pinpoint, but if you’re really into things like Matthew McConaughey movies, country music, reality TV, prohibition, wacky broaches, and sitcoms like Two and a Half Men, then guess what? You’re also into bad taste! Congrats!
This one should be a no-brainer. Either brush your teeth more often, quit smoking, lay off the chewing tobacco, tone down your coffee intake, or keep gum on hand at all times.
As soon as you cross over from being the person who bums cigs off other people, to being the person who people go to bum cigs off of, then you are smoking too much. And probably gross-tasting.
Anyone below a 7.5 on the traditional 10-point scale of attractiveness need not apply. If you’re not sure where you are on that scale, just ask me, and I’ll tell you (but odds are if you have to ask, the answer isn’t going to be a pleasant one).
It’s the middle of another frigid winter in the Midwest, yet your complexion is that of a Brazilian fisherman. That’s messed up. If you can’t get your tan the natural way, learn to look hot while pale (it worked for Gwen Stefani…kind of).
Funky Spellings of Names.
Katie with a Q? Jenny with all E’s? Tiffany with the I and Y switched? Your personality should be unique, your name should be uniform. If the only way you can make yourself stick out is by dotting your I’s with hearts, then we are not going to get along. Get it fixed, ladies.
That should be enough to get you started down the path of self-improvement for now, if you already meet all these qualifications and want more suggestions from me, then call me and we can set up a one-on-one coaching session. I’ll even let you buy dinner.
Here’s a group of people who meet all of my standards.