If you were one of the unlucky few who missed the giant Apple keynote presentation on Monday, let me give you a brief summary of the speech: iPhones are awesome, Macs are amazing, and Apple Inc. will be running all civilized countries by 2054. With Barack Obama having finally put the overeager, under-funded Hilary Clinton back in her place (I could make a chauvinist, sexist joke here, but it wouldn’t be appropriate…since Hilary isn’t actually female), I think the best choice for Obama’s running mate is none other than Apple CEO and co-founder, Steve Jobs. …Not certain that an Obama/Jobs ’08 ticket would be the best thing for America? Let me convince you otherwise by pointing out the benefits of an Obama/Jobs political union:
+Sick of boring political speeches, needlessly long rallies, and humdrum debates? With a master showman like Jobs on the ticket, political press conferences and presidential addresses would be transformed from useless CNN fodder to amazing, multi-sensory presentations that we would actually look forward to. Plus, Jobs’ would probably end each of them with some amazing news or innovation that would change the world for the better. Add in Obama’s intellectual prowess and we’re looking at what could be the most compelling and captivating stuff on television. What would it be like if presidential addresses pulled the same kind of ratings as the season finale of American Idol? We’d have a country full of people who actually cared about what was going on in their government, that’s what. And to keep all the girls interested, maybe they could appoint David Cook as the Secretary of Sexy. The Sexretary. You’re welcome, ladies.
+Obama is the first African-American ever up for presidential nomination, and I think that’s awesome — but what about all the racists? People who still fly the confederate flag on their gas-guzzling mega-trucks from the 80’s, KKK members, and the majority of Hilary Clinton’s supporters all get a vote the same as the rest of us. And with Hildawg off the market, their votes could easily switch from Hilary to the McCain camp. But with Steve Jobs in our corner, we’d have the kind of commanding, powerful white man that ignorant, less-powerful white men naturally respect and listen to. If Steve Jobs were running for VP, he’d probably gather all the country’s racists in one place (like a big conference room in a Cupertino, CA) and say, “Hey! Quit it! Stop being racist! Good. Now vote for Obama and I. And buy an iPhone.” And that would be the end of racism.
+Regardless of how you feel about the war in Iraq, the one thing we can all agree on is that we wish it was over. Steve Jobs is as famous for being a certified genius as he is infamous for being a certified madman. All it would take is for someone to tell Steve Jobs that somehow the war in Iraq was hurting Apple Inc. stock prices, and he would go ballistic and immediately fly over there and start kicking every Iraqi ass (without taking names) until there wasn’t anyone left to challenge his authority. He would use his abilities as a master strategist and his superior technology to lead the US Armed Forces in locating and dispelling every single Al Queda cell in the Middle East. Finally, he would track down Osama bin Laden and challenge him to a winner-take-all fight to the death streamed live on apple.com (and available for purchase on iTunes for just $1.99 immediately following the bout). Having already beaten cancer into submission, Steve Jobs would have no trouble thrashing Osama. Once victorious, he would then instate Justin Long and John Hodgman (the guy who plays PC in the Mac commercials) as Iraq’s new leadership, and they would transform it into a hilarious place to be — which would increase tourism commerce and bring safe, well-paying jobs to the Iraqi people. Once the area was secured, Jobs would build the world’s largest Macintosh computer-assembly factory in Iraq, which would bring even more jobs and create an even healthier economic environment. He would call this Apple mega-factory The iMaq. Within two years, Iraq would be the number seven funnest country on earth, and the fifteenth-best place to have your honeymoon.
+As Vice President of the United States, Steve Jobs would have the answer to skyrocketing gas prices, too! Using his connections at Pixar, SJ would commission a computer-animated movie about an adorable little fuel cell named Greenie who spends his whole life being bullied by gallons of gas called The Petroleum Pigs, who live in a giant Monster Truck that travels the world terrorizing everyone with their evil, ozone-destroying fumes. In the climatic final battle scene of the movie, Greenie has been cornered, and is about to be crushed by the giant wheel of The Petroleum Pigs’ Monster Truck — when just in the nick of time, Greenie’s best friends Wendy the Windmill-Generator and Sunny the Solar Panel show up! Wendy reverses her windmill rotation to send a gust of wind that blows the gascap off The Monster Truck, and Sunny reflects a concentrated beam of sunlight into the gas tank, igniting all The Petroleum Pigs and causing them to catch on fire. At the last second before the Petroleum Pigs and their truck explode, Greenie grabs the steering wheel of The Monster Truck and points the truck upwards. Our heroes jump into their electric getaway car and speed away at a blistering 27mph just as The Monster Truck explodes and launches into space along with the evil Petroleum Pigs, ending the reign of gas companies forever. This movie inspires a whole new generation of kids who quickly use their combined intelligence and think-out-of-the-boxery to invent safe, alternative methods of fueling and powering our society, thus ushering in an era of peace unlike any before it. In an act of true grace, Steve Jobs makes the movie available for free, unlimited HD viewings to anyone who buys an AppleTV system for their HDTV. The world rejoices.
…Mind you, these are just a paltry few of the thousands of positive things that would begin to take place once we put Barak Obama and Steve Jobs into office. So do the right thing, and petition your local Apple Retail Store Manager to petition their Regional Manager to petition their Apple Corporate Vice President to petition their Executive Board Member in Charge of Operations to petition Steve Jobs to run for office beneath Barack Obama. Because the only way we’re going to see positive change in this country is if we let Steve Jobs force it down our collective throats while Barack convinces us we like it. It’s the iMerican way.
Happy Friday the 13th,