The Final Fortnight

Merry Belated Christmas to all of you illegal-music-downloading web-dwellers,

It’s the Thursday after Christmas — two weeks till I say bye to the 614 and hello to higher gas prices —at about 1500 hours Eastern Standard Time in Upper Arlington, Ohio, and at the moment I’m splitting my time and attention between SportsCenter, some leftover pizza and The Muppets Take Manhattan on DVD (the only Muppet film that I can’t quote at least 75% of and the foundation for the less-entertaining ‘80s spinoff animated series, Muppet Babies).
It’s the kind of day that has me thinking about life, love, and how I really feel about interspecies marriage (for the record, I think I’m ok with it, though I question whether pig/frog progeny is really a good idea), and anytime there’s that much thinking going on, it usually results in a blog for the DHeveron Reader Faithful (which is apparently just the Jasons K. and F., thanks guys, it’s good to know someone’s out there). But enough about you, let’s talk about me.

-Home is Where the Heart Is-
First up on my list of new info is that I officially have a place to live in LA, with people I know, to boot. Much thanks to everyone who offered their home or couch to me out west as a place to crash, but it is my pleasure to officially decline your offers since I’ll be sleeping in my own bed, in my own place out there. If you’re feeling extra stalker-prone, you can see a nice satellite view of my future abode right here. It’s nothing extravagant, and it’s a little more inland than I’d choose to live on my own, but it’s with folks I know and the price is unbeatable, even by Ohio standards. Feel free to drop by and visit me anytime (SkyBus, hint hint).

-iPhone is Where the Heart Is-
After a few weeks of iPhone ownership (iPhonership?), I’m delighted to say that I have no complaints with it aside from not making the switch in June and the inability to send picture-texts (though truthfully I have very little use for that feature in the first place). Battery life is tremendous, better than any mobile phone I’ve ever had, everything functions properly all the time (a nice change from my crash-prone BlackBerry), the sync system is unprecedented in sophistication and ease-of-use, and sometimes, late at night, I can hear the iPhone whispering sweet nothings to me in my sleep. But I’m sure that’s normal.

-Work is Where the Heart Is-
I need a job. With the other details pretty much locked up (housing, route for the trip, etc.), the one thing hanging over my head is what I should do for work out west. Being the perpetually indecisive fellow that I am, I don’t even know what genre of work I even want to try for, let alone where I actually want to apply. Should I use some of my “real world” work experience and try for another 9-5 job in the interim? Should I head back to the actor-stereotypical world of waiting tables and tending bar? How much do you think I could get working LA street corners as a lady of the night? These are questions that I should probably have answers to at some point before I pour the whole of my savings into this move.

-Damon’s is Where the Party Is-
After a random polling of my friends, I’ve finally settled on some details for a Getting-Rid-Of party in honor of myself and my departure. As most things are with me, this is all very last minute and low-key, but I’m gonna start spreading the word amongst my circle of comrades (and you’re welcome to spread it as well, I want this info to be as contagious as herpes, and twice as fun) that on Friday, January 4th, 2008, at around 1700 hours until probably 2300 hours (that’s 5pm-11pm, EST), I’m going to be at the Damon’s at Mill Run in Hilliard, downing Coronas and nachos for several hours. During this time I want to see literally as many of you as possible, since it will likely be my last public appearance in Ohio for a good long while. Now I know this is earlier than a lot of you do your “partying” typically, but I wanted something close enough to happy hour that my former work colleagues at Mills James and UALC could all swing by and buy me a round (or chip in to the gas fund :) and then the rest of you can show up later and we’ll all go out to the Arena District after Damon’s kicks us out or something. More details on that to come, watch your facebook/email/myspace for something from me.

-Military Time is Where the Heart Is-
If you ever find yourself intentionally unemployed, but still want to feel good about yourself for sitting around all day in your Superman footie PJ’s watching Nickelodeon’s Legends of the Hidden Temple reruns and drinking expired eggnog from a Tupperware bowl, you should try using Military Time in your day-to-day interactions. It won’t help you get more done, but it might make you sound like less of a bum when you try to explain to your friends why you’re waking up at noon every day.

-Heart is Where the Heart Is-
Look, I’m just gonna put it out there: Ma-Ti (the South American representative given the “Heart” ring on Captain Planet and The Planeteers) totally got the shaft. The rest of The Planeteers got control of cool elements such as (in order of coolness): Fire, Earth, Water, and Wind. While the function of those other rings is pretty obvious (fire controls fire, wind controls wind, etc.), the Heart ring didn’t really have a standard “cool” use — unless you count talking to howler monkeys with your mind as “cool.” I don’t. Even the chant to summon Captain Planet sounds like the Heart element was an afterthought; “Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! …Heart?” Now even though Ma-Ti was easily the least cool character of the five Planeteers, I still didn’t think it was fair that his power should be so lame…but then as I was thinking about it some more (I’m working on a sequel to the popular Dr. Suess tome called “Oh the Thinks You Can Think…When You’re Unemployed.” It’s gonna be big), I realized that love him or hate him, Ma-Ti is part of the team, and he’s not going anywhere. His power might not be as cool as the others; he himself might not be as cool as the others, but at the end of the day, there’s something to be said for a good person who will just listen to you and share their heart with you. As I prepare to move to LA — a city overrun with needlessly-flashy, shallow hotheads like Wheeler (fire ring), stubborn A-holes like Kwame (earth ring), ignorant hippie doormats like Gi (water ring), and alcoholic, fake-blonde party-girls like Linka (wind ring, and she was Russian, so it goes without saying that she was a heavy drinker) — it seems likely that the Ma-Ti’s of the world will be worth their weight in South American gold, and that the value of Heart will finally be apparent…assuming I can put up with the smell of howler monkey.

And on that note, fanboys and girls, I bid you adieu. Look for a new blog before ’07 is spent, and I hope to see everyone on the 4th!

Much love,
Dustin

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