A Formal Apology to Everyone

In 2014, every single person in American is stuck somewhere along the never-ending loop of either being incredibly offensive, immeasurably outraged, undeservedly morally superior or insincerely contrite…or occasionally, all four at once (here’s looking at you, Roger Goodell).

Recognizing that I am currently offending several different people and people groups in a wide variety of ways — just by existing, let alone by my day-to-day actions — I have decided to take the only responsible course of action, and compose a formal apology for myself and my actions, to everyone.

Dear Everyone,

It has come to my attention that I have offended you with my recent [action, statement, viewpoint, or persona], and I am deeply and sincerely sorry. The aforementioned offense was the result of a brief lapse in judgment on my part and is not accurately reflective of the thoughts, beliefs, priorities or respect I have for you, both individually and the larger people group to which you also belong. The unfortunate incident was merely the result of residual mental clutter left ricocheting around my head from when I was a younger man— less educated and less aware of the deep hurt that my words/thoughts/deeds/existence could potentially cause people such as yourself. Furthermore, you have my assurance that I am taking all the necessary steps to correct this issue within myself and/or my organization, and that no corners will be cut nor shortcuts taken in my relentless pursuit to make amends for the injustice that I have inflicted.

…I acknowledge that in certain extreme cases, even further action may be needed to prove how specifically sorry I am to you and the high quality and well-respected sort of people that you represent, either directly or indirectly. In these extreme cases, please locate yourself and/or your organization/cause in the list below. You may select all apologies from me that apply to your particular situation

To my ex-girlfriends, I am sorry.

To my coworkers; past, present, and future; I am sorry.

To black people, I am sorry.

To astrophysicists, I am sorry.

To Mrs. Klebe’s First Grade Class at Anasazi Elementary, I am sorry (but to Mrs. Klebe herself, I am not sorry).

To The O.C. Supertones, I am sorry.

To Claire Peterson, I am sorry.

To the mid-90s Swing Music resurgence, I am sorry.

To the 2014 Michigan Wolverines, I am sorry.

To women, I am sorry.

To The Pepsi-Cola Corporation, I am sorry.

To the creative team behind SeaQuest DSV, I am sorry.

To Tim Couch, I am sorry.

To the internet, I am sorry.

To the pre- and post-LeBron-era Cleveland Cavaliers, I am sorry.

To NASA (and specifically to the Glenn Research Center in Cleveland, Ohio), I am sorry.

To the 1996 Cincinnati Bengals, I am sorry.

To Groucho Marx and Harpo Marx, I am sorry (but to Chico Marx, Zeppo Marx, and Karl Marx, I am not sorry).

To any and all of the women I swiped left on during the week-and-a-half that I was on Tinder, I am sorry.

To my friends, family, and loved ones, I am sorry.

To the Petco right off of Route 33, I am sorry.

To Subway’s Jared, I am sorry (but to Subway the corporation, I am not sorry).

To every tour group and visiting club that took a tour I led at Otterbein University from Fall 2002-Summer 2006, I am sorry.

To the Enjoy Theatre Production of “King Arthur’s Calamity,” I am sorry.

To Erin, whose last name I was never aware of, I’m sorry.

To print media, I am sorry.

And lastly, to David Hasselhoff, I am sorry I’m not sorry. (He knows what he did).

(This list to be updated with future specificity as needed)

Play on,
Dustin

v sorry

v sorry

…Want more Mind Bullets? New posts go up every Wednesday at noon PST (or as close to that as I feel like), and you can subscribe if you want them delivered right to your inbox! …Or if you’re too impatient to wait that long you can follow me on twitter, instagramyoutube (new videos every Monday), and my boring personal website. Whew, that’s a lot of self promotion…even I don’t like me enough to keep up with all that.

Dustin Heveron’s: Less Good Versions of Well-Known Songs — Something

Hello, chum! If the colder autumn weather and constant threat of the zombie apocalypse (trust me, it’s closer than you think) have you feeling down, then allow me to recommend a solution that’s even better than anything your local apothecary could whip up with their entire vault of sundries! That’s right, I’m talking about the dulcet tones and delightful rhythms of Dustin Heveron’s Less Good Versions of Well-Known Songs™ (patent pending). On the butcher’s block in this inaugural episode is a legendary song by the Fab Four from Frankfurt, The Beatles! If you’ve ever heard The Beatles’ song, “Something” and thought to yourself, “Hm, I wonder what that song would sound like without all the instruments and other band members and musical ability?” than THIS is the version for you! If you enjoy it, share it with your friends so they can enjoy it too! Or if you hate it, still share it with your friends and you can all bond with one another by mocking it mercilessly as a group! It’s 2014, and hatred is every bit as valuable as positivity when it comes to the internet.

Play on,
Dustin

…Want more Mind Bullets? New posts go up every Wednesday at noon PST (or as close to that as I feel like), and you can subscribe if you want them delivered right to your inbox! …Or if you’re too impatient to wait that long you can follow me on twitter, instagramyoutube (new videos every Monday), and my boring personal website. Whew, that’s a lot of self promotion…even I don’t like me enough to keep up with all that.

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Live, Die, Repeat…Repeat

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Tom Cruise’s summer action movie, Edge of Tomorrow, was more lackluster than blockbuster, so when they released the movie on BluRay and digital, they retitled and rebranded it as “Live. Die. Repeat.” hoping the more straightforward title would attract viewers that passed over it the first time. But what you probably didn’t know is that it kickstarted a trend with the studios that has made retitling movies the new hot marketing tactic in Hollywood. Here is a guide to the films you may recognize and their new release titles, feel free to use and share it with your friends.

MORE ACCURATE REBRANDED MOVIES:

X-Men: Days of Future Past = The Original Jennifer Lawrence Leaked Nudes

Divergent = Hunger Games

Transformers: Age of Extinction = Michael Bay’s Three-Hour Explosiongasm (Plot Optional)

Neighbors = A Less Good Version of the Movie ‘Old School’ for People Too Young to Remember ‘Old School’

A Million Ways to Die in the West = Forty Million Dollars to Waste in New Mexico

Captain America: The Winter Soldier = Avengers 1.5

The Fault in Our Stars = How to Lose a Guy in Eight Days

Godzilla = Breaking Dad

Blended = The Brady Bunch (with Fewer Laughs)

Guardians of The Galaxy = Christ Pratt & The Quest to Determine Who You’re Less Familiar With: The Alien Characters on His Superhero Team or The Actors Playing Them

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 = The Only-Amazing-By-Comparison-to-the-Tobey-Maguire-Trilogy Spider-Man

300: Rise of An Empire = 300: Fall of a Franchise

Grand Budapest Hotel = Wes Anderson and The Exact Same Actors As Always Make a Movie Only Your Elitist Hipster Friends Saw

Aaron Paul’s Need for Speed = Aaron Paul’s Need for Work

Noah = Anything As Long as Russell Crowe Isn’t Singing

Draft Day = First Round Bust

22 Jump Street = 22-Year-Olds Love This Movie

The Purge: Anarchy = Leaving Las Vegas

Wish I Was Here = Zach Braff’s Ponzi Scheme

TMNT = Megan Fox’s Last Shot

The Expendables 3 = theexpendables3.torrent

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For = Sin City: An Audience to Kill For

The Maze Runner = Hunger Games

Sex Tape = All Your Favorite References From Five Years Ago

Malificent = #YesAllWomen

The Giver = Hunger Games

And there you have it…remember boys and girls, if you’re gonna watch, watch educated.

Play on,
Dustin

…Want more Mind Bullets? New posts go up every Wednesday at noon PST (or as close to that as I feel like), and you can subscribe if you want them delivered right to your inbox! …Or if you’re too impatient to wait that long you can follow me on twitter, instagramyoutube (new videos every Monday), and my boring personal website. Whew, that’s a lot of self promotion…even I don’t like me enough to keep up with all that.

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The TV Show Gotham Deserves?

It's Batman, with less Batman.

It’s Batman, with less Batman.

With the return of Fall television right around the corner, stations are gearing up to give us their newest, best and most original ideas. …HA, just kidding! They’re just mining the same dry well they’ve been pumping away at since the ’50s, and this season’s lineup is no exception. A show that’s garnering a lot of attention is the new Fox program, Gotham. Based on the early childhood of Bruce Wayne, before he dedicated his life to becoming a superhero, Gotham explores the people and events preceding the crime fighter’s crime fighting. Gotham may or may not do well, but to me the idea of a Batman show without Batman sounds like a real snoozer. However — competition in the entertainment industry being what it is — every network is probably going to want their own pre-prequel in the near future. So with that in mind, here are my pitches for shows based on superheroes, before the heroes were around.

Small(er)ville: Set in the same town where Superman will eventually land, this show will focus on Jonathan and Martha Kent’s early lives as corn farmers in Kansas, who also struggle with conceiving a child.

Central City: This pre-prequel for the speedster superhero known as The Flash will center on Barry Allen working his way through medical school to earn his Ph.D in forensic science.

Mars: An entire show set in real-time as the future Martian Manhunter makes the five-year journey to Earth alone in his spaceship without any disruptions.

Star City: The story of young billionaire Oliver Queen, living life as a carefree child before he grows up to become the superhero Green Arrow. Basically exactly like Gotham except nobody dies.

Oa: Named after the home planet of the extraterrestrial group known only as The Guardians — the alien politicians who will eventually form The Green Lantern Corps. — this show follows The Guardians in their earliest days as they legislate policy and discuss what sort of jewelry best lends itself to intergalactic law enforcement.

Paradise Island: The early story of Diana Troy (the future Wonder Woman) and her early years on the mythical and magical island of Themyscira, honing her powers and fighting off mythological threats of all sorts while also exploring mystical islands. Despite being the only even marginally interesting pre-prequel story, this show will get cancelled after the first episode just because the primary superhero character is female.

Steel City: Follows the day-to-day life of full time construction worker John Henry Irons (aka the man who will later become the superhero Steel) as he works 16-hour days doing manual labor in a dead-end job.

Gotham Suburbs: The comprehensive story of Barbara Gordon’s childhood years as an awkward preteen student in Gotham’s upper-middle class neighborhood.

Plasticity: The normal story of Plastic Man, which is already boring enough without having to go back to before he was a hero.

Agents of SHIELD: The agents of SHIELD and what they do when the superheroes aren’t around. …Haha just kidding, no one would want to see a premise that boring, no matter HOW desperate they were.

Play on,
Dustin

…Want more Mind Bullets? New posts go up every Wednesday at noon PST (or as close to that as I feel like), and you can subscribe if you want them delivered right to your inbox! …Or if you’re too impatient to wait that long you can follow me on twitter, instagramyoutube (new videos every Monday), and my boring personal website. Whew, that’s a lot of self promotion…even I don’t like me enough to keep up with all that.

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Robin Williams

Robin

A legendarily talented man lost his battle with depression (among possible other ailments) this week, and regardless of the circumstances surrounding his death, it is certainly that: a loss.

I’ve been surprised at exactly how effected I was by his passing. A man I never met, yet (like may of you) felt like I knew very well. I shed tears for Robin Williams; for other talents I’ve seen pass I felt like I’d lost something precious (like a priceless painting or a family heirloom), for Robin, it felt like I lost a friend.

Robin Williams was every bit as influential for me (along with millions of others) as Bugs Bunny or The Muppets in forming my comedic sensibilities growing up; in later years I discovered his depth and gifts in the dramatic arts as well — the Yin to his own Yang. I wanted to wait a little bit to write this up — the “But daddy, I want it NOW” internet culture we live in means that there have been plenty of accolades and memoriams already uploaded if that’s what you’re looking for (and goodness knows he deserves all those and more) — but I wanted to offer a little personal perspective after the dust had time to settle.

We have lost many talented artists in recent years, and the part of me that enjoys romanticizing them wants to declare that the young artists we produce now can’t even come close to the level of accomplishment and ability of the legends we’ve seen pass this decade. While that remains to be proven or disproven, when we lose a Philip Seymour Hoffman or a Steve Jobs (or even someone as iconic as Don Pardo, whose voice’s absence will be felt more unmistakably than his name’s for most people), we are losing a distinct presence whose void will never be replicated…even if it is replaced by the next generation.

And of course there is the added sadness of knowing that Mr. Williams took his life. In the days immediately following his passing, there was a lot of debate about who as “at fault.” Whether it was truly his own doing or if it was the disease of depression that was to blame; whether it was a freeing act for him to finally find peace or a selfish act leaving his family and friends alone. And whether the fact that he was in the early stages of Parkinson’s Disease made it any more acceptable. I’m neither qualified nor terribly interested in those debates, so I (as always) strive to share only what I know: that regardless of the true “cause,” that we have all suffered and lost as a result. The truth of the matter is that oftentimes (this being one of them) the cause is less important than the effect. He is gone now, which means that his family has lost out on extended time I’m sure they would’ve wanted with their father/brother/etc., his legions of supporters and admirers have selfishly lost out on being able to experience his gift in the public forum, and he himself has lost out on the joy that comes with experiencing God’s delightful details that permeate every new day (though some days admittedly more visibly than others). Without even realizing it I was mourning the loss of being able to show my kids the man who’d brought me such joy as a child and such reverence as an adult. I’ll still be able to thrill them with Jumanji and Aladdin or bond with them over Good Will Hunting and Dead Poets Society, but there’s always going to be an asterisk of sadness now when I think about the laughs we won’t share because a tremendous man was unable to see or tap into the love and respect that was literally waiting to burst forth from an entire world that wanted to tell him that he was appreciated, that he was wanted.

But of course that last bit is the selfishness of someone who will miss a man he never knew along with the simple joys and complex inspirations he cultivated. The bigger takeaway from this is what can we do for the next Robin? The one who isn’t a movie superstar or a comedy legend, maybe the Robin who’s your neighbor or work buddy or uncle that you don’t facetime quite as often as you mean to. Who is the person in your life that needs to hear that they’re wanted, respected, and loved? A concept that I don’t think I can claim credit for, but one that I stand behind more and more firmly as time goes on and tragedies I’ve witnessed pile higher, is to eulogize the living. The concept is simple, everything you need is right there in the name. Basically it’s what can I do to take all those nice thoughts, words, emotions, deeds, feelings, tributes, etc. and lavish them upon my loved ones in the here and now? It doesn’t have to be extravagant, it’s just finding someone who makes you laugh and letting them know they bring joy into your life. It’s being as appreciative for people in the present as we are after they’re gone. It might not have saved Robin from himself, but at least he would’ve been reminded that there were those willing to fight with him when he didn’t have the energy to fight for himself. It’s not a cure, but it’s a start. It might not have been a victory over his demons, but it wouldn’t have been a loss.

Play on, Robin.
Dustin

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